Self Awareness ... Self Loathing?

So, I'm putting aside my list of blog requests one more time to post something a bit more personal to me. The last few days I've been feeling really down on myself. Just kinda "blah" ... not myself. Lower than usual self esteem, can't seem to find my inner smile, something just ... off. So when I woke up this morning (after a really interesting dream) I did a longer than usual meditation session ... hoping to figure out why I'm in this funk. Unfortunately, I found it.

Usually when I have a self discovery I'm pretty happy about it. Even when it's a discovery that's not completely positive. If we can't look within ourselves and find the areas of improvement we need most, we can never aspire to improve ourselves. However, sometimes those self revelations are painful; and sometimes the truth you find isn't even yours to change.

So, you may be asking yourself "what is this self discovery"? Then again, you might not be asking that -- but since this is my site, I'm going to tell you anyways. If you don't want to know, I highly suggest you stop reading now. :)

So here it is .. and it's not pretty. I've realized that sometime in the past year or so (could be more than that.. maybe a little less) that I've become a "dirty little secret" to a whole lot of people. It seems like everywhere I turn, I'm being asked to hide a major part of myself to make others happy. I'm constantly facing one (or several) of the following scenarios:

"I really want to go out with you, but I don't wanna tell a lot of people, it's really none of their business" (seriously ... who are you hiding me from)?

"I'd love for you to be in my wedding, but you'll have to figure out a way to hide all those tattoos.. my mother-in-law will never understand why you do that to yourself" (cause it's how I express myself, and I'm here to make you happy - -not your mother-in-law)

"My (xx = insert a friend or relative here) can't wait to finally meet you. But don't talk about the fact that you're Wiccan ... they will have a fit" (So, I'm supposed to lie about what I believe in if they ask me directly?)

"(xx) says you're really cool and can't wait to hang out with you again.. but next time don't talk about your work at the haunted house, it creeps them out." (so if they ask me how the "scaring people" is going .. how am I supposed to respond?)

"When you meet (xx) don't flirt with other girls and don't mention your bi. They aren't comfortable with it, and it will make things harder for me" (OK . . A I don't announce it during my introduction. B .. why can't I flirt with whom I want to? Just because it's easier for you?)

"At next week's party don't talk about your cancer. (xx) gets really upset when it's brought up." (So if someone asks me about it, I'm just supposed to say "Oh it's nothing really"?)

"You're really pretty and I'd love to take you out sometime.. just make sure my girlfriend doesn't find out" (umm... just umm)

Don't mention your sexuality, don't mention your alternate lifestyle, don't mention your illness, don't mention you're divorced, don't mention your passion for haunting, don't mention your spirituality, don't mention the fact that you counsel people. All of these things say the same thing to me... "Whatever you do DO NOT BE YOURSELF'.

Now, let me set a couple things straight while I have the opportunity. Most aspects of my life I don't talk "openly" about... like being bi or even my spirituality. I usually side-step a conversation if I know it will be controversial and I'm with people I don't know that well. I realize not everyone is comfortable with certain topics, so it's not like I intentionally start conversations about things. But if someone asks me about my illness, I'm going to talk about it. Same thing with other things that I'm passionate about. I will certainly not lie to people if I'm asked a direct question.

However, when people in my life continually point out things about me that I'm supposed to hide or I hear comments like the following it really starts to wear on me:

"I wish I could tell (xx) about the time you taught me this. But every time I mention you they get upset" (that makes me feel wonderful...the fact that you won't even bring me up in casual conversation with someone)

"Sometimes I catch myself starting to tell (xx) about you and I stop because of (insert lame excuse about such-and-such not liking me or something I do)." So, since they don't like a certain aspect of my life you can't tell them about me at all?

"Someone asked me why I've been so level-headed lately. I was going to tell them about our counselling session and how you showed me how to meditate, but they would think it's stupid, so I just said I was happier about stuff". Embarrassed about me?

I feel like I'm being stuffed into a closet and labeled "not worth the effort of explaining to others" or, more simply "freak who must stay hidden".

So, in a nutshell, I'm OK to hang out with on a one-on-one basis; and even alright in small group settings. However, when it comes to being more in anyone's life it seems to be out of the question. I'm the "dirty little secret" ....because they aren't comfortable enough with me to stand up to the people in their lives so I'm trapped in a cage pretending to be someone less than I am.

Now, where does this leave us, dearest reader? I really don't know. There's nothing I can do to change the thoughts and behaviors of others; so I can only focus on myself in this situation. I've spent a lot of time in meditation and self awareness to be happy and comfortable with who I am. I will not change to make others more comfortable with who I am; because then I wouldn't be true to myself. What I need is to find the path that takes me to a place where the statements I've discussed with you don't bother me. A place where I'm secure enough with myself that when others want to push me into that closet, I can rest comfortably there. A place where being everyone's "second" is OK .. because I know I am my first.

So, I guess that's it then. That's where I am right now, little kittens. As always, thank you for taking the time to read this, and learn more about me. Hopefully my little ramblings give you the change to look inside yourself and find a way to make the world a better place.

Be at peace with yourself and you'll be at peace with the world.

You Always Have A Choice

Hello there, beloved reader. I realized earlier today that it's been too long since I've posted something...and then sat here for a while staring at the blank screen. Usually I have about a million things I can write about; but today there was very little. Not that I'm uninspired, just that I don't know what to say about things.

There have been a whole lot of changes in my life recently. Some good, others bad. Some that have hurt me a lot (even though some people seem to think differently) and others that have made me smile more than I have since 2006. Some that have inspired me to be more helpful towards others, and events that have made me want to completely walk away from people I never thought I'd turn my back on. That's a whole lot of stuff -- and I'm sure I'd bore you to tears if I wrote about all of it.

Then I realized something pretty spectacular. Everything that has happened in the past couple of months - the good, the bad, the happy, the sad, the beautiful, and the ugly; have all happened because of a CHOICE. Sometimes it's not my choice but the choice of someone else. That forces me into a choice for a variety of reasons. Sometimes it's me being faced with two choices; neither of which I like... but there is still a choice to be made.

It reminds me of a movie I once saw with Michelle Pfeiffer - Dangerous Minds. During the movie she says something along the lines of "You have a choice! It may not be a choice you like, but it's still a choice". Even when I first saw that movie so many year ago, that line has stuck with me. We are surrounded by choices, and it's the choices we make that determine our path.

Let me give you a couple of examples. I was recently faced with the very difficult decision of ending a friendship with someone I cared deeply for. It was so not a choice that I wanted to make. Neither choice presented to me was acceptable. I could maintain the friendship even though the person was involved in things I was not 100% comfortable with (nothing illegal mind you; but I have personal standards that I have compromised on in the past -- it's always come back to bite me). If I chose to maintain the friendship, I would be compromising my personal integrity; not something I was OK with. My other choice was to end the friendship and allow us to go our separate ways. This choice makes my heart hurt and my soul cry. I adored spending time with this person and in no way wanted to just walk away -- but I didn't have a choice. The person had made it very clear that they had no intention of not doing what they were doing, and therefore, I had to make the incredibly difficult decision to end a friendship. It was an devastating difficult thing for me to to; but I'm confident that it was also the right thing. Choices -- sometimes there isn't a good one to be found.

Here's another example. I was recently confronted with a major dilemma. Someone I love dearly was acting in a way that made me embarrassed to even be associated with them. It was a ridiculous situation in general filled with actions that I haven't seen since Middle School; starring grown adults. My first thought was "how in the WORLD can you choose to act like that"... and regardless of the defenses provided by those involved, it was a choice. It was a choice that made them look bad, and it also reflected very poorly on those that are closely associated with them. I won't lie -- I went home and cried for several hours over the whole thing while I tried to determine which choice I should make in the situation. You may be sitting there thinking "what kind of choice could you possibly have -- this scenario has very little to do with you directly?" And as true as that statement is, the event does reflect on me, and my reputation in a way; that in itself posed some choices that I have to make. I needed to choose to possibly end another friendship, choose to cut all ties with this person, choose to not do anything at all, etc. I lost sleep (two nights worth) making a choice and I am confident I now made the right one. I didn't like any of the choices all that much; but I couldn't seem to find any other options. However, I made a choice, with the thoughts that MY actions dictate my reputation more than the actions of anyone else. It is with my actions that I can attempt to turn around a bad situation (hopefully).

So, here's the bottom line, my adorable kittens: Your life is the way it is currently because of the choices you made. There is no way to "take back" a choice; but there is always a way to move forward from them. If you don't like a choice you have made -- think about what choices you can make to remedy the situation. Have your hurt someone, or is someone hurt because of your actions? Make the choice to talk to them about it; get their feelings on the situation - TALK to them. Are you feeling sorry for yourself and find yourself in a slump? Make the choice that you can make yourself happy and do it; it's a state of mind (yes, I know sometimes depression is a chemical imbalance - choose to seek help for it in whatever capacity you need). Are you facing a choice that you just don't know what to do with? Find a friend, a counselor, or a relative that you can trust and talk to them about it. They can't make the choice for you, but they can help you in with their advice, their experiences, and their feelings.

Remember, that when it's all said and done YOU have to live with the choices that you make. Be at peace with your choices; think them through. Choose wisely and you'll be at peace with yourself.

Much love <3

Running Out of Time

I have three blogs cued that I need to write, but I had the most intense dream last night, so I felt the overwhelming need to write this one first. I know what prompted the dream, and there's not a whole lot of interpretation to go with it, it was simply one of those dreams designed to remind me of some things.

Before we begin, a bit of background on me for those of you that might not know. I'm a very accomplished lucid dreamer -- which basically means I'm aware when I'm dreaming and can easily change the direction or events of the dream. I do this on a regular basis for a variety of reasons. There are times when my dreams are just that - dreams - and there's no reason to change them; and there are also times when I'm not lucid dreaming and the dreams take me wherever they feel like it. I'm also a very strong believer in the concept that some dreams are meant to teach us something or bring something to light that we need to reflect on. This is what last night's dream was all about, and although I knew I was dreaming, I intentionally did nothing to change the dream as I know I needed to see where it was going.

With that, let me share the dream with you; as usual I have no idea how it started, it was just there in my head suddenly.

I slip into a state of semi-consciousness, in a strange bed and realize that for some reason my eyes just can't open - worse yet I can't move anything. Before I allow the panic to seep in, I assess what I can without being able to see. The room I'm in certainly doesn't smell like home - there's no undertone of Coppertone (aka the Sun and Sand candles I use at home), or anything else that smells familiar. In fact, there's little accentuating smell at all -- mostly just clean. Well, that doesn't help.

I mentally scan my body to see if anything is different... and realize there's a stinging in my right arm, my throat is killing me, my back feels like someone used it for fencing practice, and I can't shake the feeling that there's a bulldog sitting directly over my heart. Helpful, though not really making it easier for me to calm down.

It's when I truly listened to the sounds around me that I realized what was going on. At first, everything seems muted, like I had cotton stuffed in my ears, but the more "online" my brain got, the more clear everything started to sound. I heard a whisper soft, repetitive sound off to my right. Woooosh --- whooosh. The sound was very regular and never seemed to falter in it's strength or it's timing. I hear distant voices coming and going as if they are never actually standing still; unfortunately I can't understand what they are saying, even though I can tell they are speaking English. Other various mechanical sounds are around me, mostly what seems like behind or above me... more wooshing sounds though these one not as soft as the first one I noticed; something that sounds like it's spinning, and some kind of odd pumping noise. Then, when I recognized the last set of noises I knew exactly what was going on. Beep. Beep. Beep. Shit..that's the sound of a vitals monitor -- guess who landed herself in a hospital?

I tried to remember why I could have found myself here - hooked up to the machines. The vitals monitor means there's some kind of pulse sensor on me and probably EKG electrodes. Suddenly, a whirring noise starts and my arm gets tight -- ah yes, blood pressure. Too bad the machine doesn't talk, so I could know what the readouts are. It took me a few minutes to realize the other noises...that whispersoft noise, combined with the fact that my throat felt like it was on fire -- ventilator; that's not good news. I won't get into the other mechanics.. let's just say "life support" was full on.

The voices outside suddenly moved into my room and I recognize the voices talking: Doc (my Doctor), my Mom, my Sister, Sami , some very special friends of mine. Hell it was like a reunion in there -- oh crap. They only let that many people in when it's time to say good bye -- I am not OK with this. My mind starts to go off in a million different directions covering all the things I never got to do, the people I still want to spend time with, etc. etc.

"Here's the problem" Doc says in her most compassionate voice. "She's on life support - under normal circumstances, we can keep her there indefinitely since the machines are providing her with everything she needs. But, with the blackout; the generators have a limited amount of time they can actually keep the machines going -- I give it about 3 hours. If the electricity doesn't come on before then; there won't be anything we can do."

Panic. At least on my part. It's obvious the people in the room are upset, there's soft crying, sniffling and feet shuffling. But they are being strong (they know I'd kick their tails if they weren't ;) ) It's then I realize that my clock really is ticking. 3 hours... to make sure the people in my life remember the good I've tried to do. 3 hours to ensure they know I love them. 3 hours .. to lay here in a near-unconscious state and hope to wake up enough to give them the comfort that they need.

That's when I woke up .. straight up .. wide awake and more than a little bit panicked. It took me a while to calm down and realize what I was being told. DON'T wait until it's too late to live the life you need to live. Focus on the right things now -- so that if your end does come sooner than you're expecting; your legacy is already there. Tell the people that are important in your life how much you love them.

Forgive.

Move on.

Don't hold a grudge.

Allow happiness.

Promote love.

Be at peace.

Set the right example.

Be yourself.

Share joy.

Reflect.

Improve yourself.

Never let a moment go by that the most important people in your life wonder how you feel.

I know this was 'just a dream' but it's a dream that hits very close to home for me... since it's a reality I face on a regular basis. However, it can happen to anyone -- since I have no idea what, exactly, landed me in that hospital bed. So, just remember -- we all have a limited time here; make the most of it.

I love you.

Head Games

Here it is, kittens..the first edition of blogging on demand! One of my loyal followers (you know you who you are) asked me to write about head games... and OH BOY .. what a topic it is.

For those of you not up to date on your "American", head games is a term commonly used in the US to describe a variety of mental and emotional manipulations. It's not easily "defined" .. if you look it up on the web you'll get something similar to: "delusion: the act of deluding; deception by creating illusory ideas". Personally, head games are more to me than that. They are a way of manipulating and controlling a person or a situation to ensure the best possible outcome for the person performing the "head games".

Wow, where to start with this? I've experienced more than my fair share of head games; especially at the hands of my ex-husband. He was quite the expert, continuously reminding me that I wouldn't be anywhere in life without him, that I was no longer a "person" but a "mother" and a "wife", and let's not forget reminding me that with my health conditions and my "mediocre" looks I'd never find anyone "better than him" to take care of me. The good news is that I'm no longer with this .... him and I'm well on my way to healing the damage he inflicted on my soul (the heart was the easy part to heal). I no longer believe the things about myself he insisted were true and know that I'm a strong, inspirational, compassionate and beautiful woman. Self appreciation at it's best right there, kittens.

Another fortunate thing about my 9 year stint with continuous head games was that I finally learned to recognize them and remove myself from the situation. The first part was far easier than the second part at times, but I'm here to help you through the whole thing. Well, maybe it'll help, maybe it won't.. but I can at the very least offer you my thoughts on it and how I handle it.

The first thing you need to learn is how to recognize "head games". Sometimes it's really obvious when someone is playing head games with you. They outright manipulate you, spread rumors about you, or tell you things that you know aren't true. They do this with the intent of getting you to either agree to "be on their side" or to do something they want you to do. However, those who are really good at head games play them without anyone realizing it.. and you suddenly find yourself either doing things that aren't in character for you or alienating yourself from people you would normally want in your life. Of course, there are hundreds of other outcomes, it just depends on what the person is trying to get out of the situation. Remember, head games are NOT about you ... they are about the person playing them.

Below you'll find several of the head game techniques I've come across in my dealings, and the examples I'm providing are ones that have happened to me personally. Yes, they are "significant other" focused, but remember, these games can be played by significant others, parents, siblings, friends, children -- basically anyone. I'm not saying that every time a situation arises that fits one of these categories that someone is automatically trying to manipulate you. It's all about recognizing the pattern when it's happening.

The Guilt Trip.

One of the most "beloved" head games out there is the good old fashion guilt trip; this is one of the many aspects of Passive/Aggressive -- but I think I'll cover that particular topic at another time. I'm sure we're all familiar with how it goes.

Me: "Do you have anything significant planned tonight?"

Him: "Not really, why?"

Me" "I was invited to an early dinner with a couple of friends from work. I think I'll go, I should be home around 7"

Him: "wow.. um ok. Go out with your girlfriends, it's not like I had a surprise planned or anything. I guess I'll just sit at home alone and wait for you to get home. Have fun" Of course, all of this is said with the woe is me Eeyore mentality and you suddenly start second guessing yourself.

Me: "You said you didn't have anything planned"

Him: "Well, I didn't want to give it away, but I guess it doesn't matter now.. go out and have fun, I guess I'll just make a sandwich or something, or maybe I'll just skip dinner tonight."

Sound familiar? Notice the start of the conversation, nothing was planned, and as soon as I said I was going to go out with someone else, it suddenly evolved into "I had something special planned" and suddenly he's not going to eat at all. I'm suddenly in a lose/lose situation - if I go out, he's pouting at home and not eating.. and will certainly tell me all about his boredom and lack of food when I get home. If I stay home, I disappoint my friends (and myself) and we would most likely end up not doing anything at all because "our fight put him in a bad mood." I don't remember a fight, do you?

Back Handed Compliments or Outright Insults

It's hard to feel good about yourself when you're constantly being put down, especially by someone who is supposed to love you. Outright insults are one thing -- they are pretty easy to spot and usually make you feel pretty crappy about yourself right out of the gate. Although keep in mind they may be said "in jest" .. that doesn't mean the person doesn't think it's true.

Him: "Wow, you really suck at this whole cooking thing, don't you?"

Me: "What? It's spaghetti .. and I thought it was pretty good"

Him: "Oh you know I'm just kidding ... you'd better get the kitchen cleaned up before people start thinking you're a slob .. hahahahah"

A three sentence conversation, and I'm pretty much convinced I have no place in the kitchen. Now, remember kittens...it's about pattern recognition - this wasn't a one time thing -- these types of conversations happened on a regular basis.

Back handed compliments are a little harder to recognize and much more effective sometimes. Someone compliments you on something, but marries it together with something that you've done poorly. It works for actions and appearance and just about everything else. I'm going to give two examples, one that's a little more obvious .. and the other that's a lesser recognized form of backhanded compliment.

Me: "I think I'll color and straighten my hair today, I need something different"

Him" "Good idea, it's looking a little dull I'm sure you'll look wonderful " (this, by the way is an appropriate answer and a nice compliment)

Me ... several hours later: "All done, what do you think?"

Him: "I like it, it makes you look older and it's much easier to look at than all those ridiculous curls"

So, as you see above, it's "almost" a compliment.. .he likes the hair - and the older comment was actually taken as a compliment. However, the comment about the "ridiculous curls" is a hidden insult; showing how much he dislikes something about me. (remember, I have naturally curly hair).

Here's a less obvious example of a back-handed compliment

Me: "I got a promotion at work! I'll be the executive administrative assistant to the Vice President!"

Him" "Congratulations, it's about time the recognized your talents" (again, genuine compliment there)

Me: "Yea, I'm so excited"

Him" "I'm happy for you. Glad I'm here to show you what you're capable of"

Not as obvious, but the intent of the sentence was to remind me that I wouldn't have been able to get the job if he didn't tell me I was good enough for it. One of the "backhanded" compliments I dealt with a lot was the "I helped you get to where you are". Um...NO you didn't... I did, thank you very much; I don't remember you being at the office doing my work for me.

Over the top praise / Well timed compliments

Ohhh the over the top praise thing. Other wise known as "false" praise. It's a way for someone to get what they want out of you by making you feel really good about yourself. PLEASE don't get this confused with actual praise from people that love and respect you. We should be able to get compliments from people without them expecting something in return. The pattern recognition comes into play when you realize that the ONLY time you get praise or compliments is right before something is asked of you - or when they tell you something that is wrong about you.

Him: "Wow the house looks great today, you must have worked really hard to make sure everything is clean"

Me: "Thanks,yea it took some time, but I finally got everything done."

Him: "Next time, don't forget about the bathroom floor, it's still sticky from all that hairspray you insist on using"

What happened here is obvious.. good job.. but NOT quite good enough.

or ...

Him: "Have I told you lately that you're amazing? You always understand me, and I really appreciate everything you do for me. I'm so lucky to have you in my life. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me."

Me (blushing of course): "awww thank you so much"

Him: "I have to cancel our plans to go to the zoo on Saturday. Steve is going to take me off-roading. I know you understand because you're amazing like that, you always know when I need to go off and be a guy. You're so perfect"

Overkill much? With all those compliments in one conversation, if I were to argue with him canceling our plans to go out with his friend, I'd look like a total bitch. Manipulation at it's best.

OK, I know that was a lot to ingest; and you're wondering what to do now. Like I said several times, if something like any of the above happens to you once in a while.. try not to put too much into it. We are ALL guilty of being on the giving end of something like this when we don't really mean it. Keep an eye out, though, if it starts to become a pattern - and most of the conversations you have with someone end up with you being manipulated, it's time for you to step back and re-evaluation the relationship.

Sometimes, you can talk to the other person and tell them what you're feeling. "Hey, I realized that the only time you ever really compliment me is when you want something. That makes me feel pretty bad about myself, like I'm only good enough for you when you want something." Or "remember that night I decided to not to go out because you said you planned something special? Did you really just want me to stay home that night?" Hopefully the person you're having the conversation with is mature enough to recognize the issue and will take steps to stop doing these things. If not -- then it's time for you to remove yourself from the relationship -- or at least distance yourself a bit. It's not always easy, and sometimes not possible to remove yourself completely -- but it's important to remember that nobody can hurt you unless you give them permission to. By allowing these types of scenarios to happen over and over; you are allowing someone else to manipulate you. Find some friends, talk to them, get their support and walk away as much as you can.

Here is my personal challenge to you: take a step inward and search yourself. Do you use head games? Sometimes? With any specific person? All the time? I'll be 100% honest with you, I have found myself doing it at times. I've realized that I'm pulling a guilt trip on someone .. or being passive/aggressive, or one of the other things I've talked about here. When that happens I STOP, look inward and try to understand why I did it. Was it because I didn't want to hurt their feelings so I took an alternative approach? If that's the case, I need to buck up and have a grown up conversation with them..not resort to games because it's "easier" for me. Is it because I don't like the person and want them to go away? See answer above. Is it because I don't respect them for some reason -- then there's a real issue and I need to re-evaluate the relationship as a whole.

So, I know this has been incredibly long and a whole lot to take in. I hope I haven't babbled too much about myself and my horrible 2nd marriage. Above everything else, I hope you got something out of it; and that you're able to improve your self and increase your personal happiness because of it. Much Love, Kittens!

Be at peace with yourself and you'll be at peace with the world

What is Respect

I've recently had quite a few discussions with people regarding respect. People really like using that word, though sometimes I'm not really sure they completely know what it means. There are several ways of looking at the word, so I'm going to take a few minutes to explore it.

Of course, there's the standard definition: A feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their ability, qualities, or achievements. That's interesting. Most of the time when I hear people spouting off about respect, it usually has very little to do with this definition. It's more of a selfish standpoint of "My respect is earned..and you should be honored to have it." Um.. No. If you're using that attitude with me, you OBVIOUSLY don't hold any respect towards me to begin with.

With the technical definition aside, I'm going to focus on respecting people with whom you are in a relationship with. Now, this relationship can be a friendship, a partnership, an intimate relationship, even a working relationship. In order for a relationship to work completely, there must be a level of mutual respect. Respect is very rarely equal, but it certainly needs to be present on both sides in order to have a successful relationship. When there isn't any respect, trust goes out the window, and resent moves right in.

I see respect in a different light than a lot of people, so I'll share my thoughts on it here. Respect is more than just a word to me, it's a culmination of several things that, when put together, represent a high regard for the person with which you're dealing. I like to use the word respect as an acronym for a variety of different actions and thoughts; when put together, show the other person you truly do respect them.

R: Responsibility. In a respectful relationship, you take responsibility for your actions and your words. When you do something that hurts the other person, you take responsibility for it and apologize. Only then can you hope to move forward with the relationship.

E: Engage. No, I don't mean engage as in married (gah!). Engaging the other person in your thought process, your decision making, and other aspects of your life as necessary is an excellent way to show your respect for them. If you continue to make all the decisions on your own (especially ones that involve the other person) you are immediately negating their thoughts or feelings on the subject, and in return; proving that you don't respect their wishes or beliefs.

S: Selfless. Be selfless; give yourself to others (to the extent that you can). Remember that the world doesn't revolve around you and that in a strong relationship, it's up to you to keep the feelings, desires and needs of the other person in mind when you act on something.

P: Purge. I know, it's an odd word, but it's important to purge yourself and your relationships of negative energy. Get rid of the "bad" stuff.. if you respect someone, truly respect them, and they have offered an apology for something they have done wrong, forgive them. Purge it from your relationship and don't bring it up again. Respect is about moving forward, not living in the past.

E: Earn. It's said all the time... respect is earned. I believe this to a degree, but I think people take the concept a little too far sometimes. That being said, I think that the best way to earn respect is to respect others in return. Earn respect by showing others that you're a good, compassionate, thoughtful person.

C: Care. Care about others, and show you care. Don't just assume that they know and don't just tell them - words can be very empty sometimes. Put your words into actions and SHOW them you care. Let them lean on you. Lend an ear, or a hand up, or help when they need it. Help them laugh when they are down and cry with them when they are hurt.

T: Truth. Tell. The. Truth. All the time, without fail. If you respect someone, you don't lie to them -- end of story. Lying to someone is the ultimate betrayal of trust; and just proves that you don't respect them at all.

So, there it is in a nutshell -- take it for what you can get out of it. But remember this - respecting someone and showing that respect to them is the single most important part of a relationship. Every relationship.

Be at peace with yourself, and you'll be at peace with the world.

Trying to Once Again Find Myself

Well, it's been a while, again ... and, who knows, maybe I'll stick with it this time and keep writing. Writing is therapy for me, even if nobody ever actually reads the things I publish. My overall intent with this blog, and in my life, is to help others look deeper into themselves and find the areas that they think need positive change by sharing my own experiences. Hopefully I can inspire them to make the changes they see necessary in themselves, and in turn, make the world a better place to live in.

However, the last few months I have completely lost myself. Between being sick (again) - this time with Breast Cancer - and a new relationship that is now (sadly) over, all things Trinity fell to the side. I was focused on healing and making someone else happy - and in the midst of all that - I lost sight of myself and turned into a different person.

First, let's talk about what happened. In October I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer. Although it was a bit of a shock, it didn't devastate me as much it does the general public. Since I've been dealing with Leukemia for nearly 14 years and have had everything happen to me from kidney failure, to tumors being removed from my spine, to loosing the eyesight in one eye for 6 months - even flat lining three times - the new lump found in my right breast was just another obstacle for me to face. I'm a Warrior .. nothing can really keep me down (or so I thought!). In November I had my surgery and started radiation. It sucked. Lots. The radiation destroyed every ounce of energy I had and I was pretty much a hermit as I didn't have the ability to do much outside of my house. I started feeling sorry for myself and getting the "whoa is me" personality I try to counsel people away from on a regular basis.

In the midst of all this turmoil, I met a guy. OK, technically I didn't meet him in the middle of all of this, I'd known him for a while and we finally decided to take the chance and start seeing each other exclusively. Looking back, I realize that I compromised my own values and went against things that I have set for myself on who I should and shouldn't date. Not that he's not a wonderful and amazing person. He is .. very much so. He's compassionate, and helpful, and very loving, and a wonderful man. Although we are no longer a couple, I sincerely hope that we can remain close friends and I already miss what we had together. Like I said, overall this entire fiasco was my fault for going against my own rules and dating someone that I knew I shouldn't have. No, you don't get to know why I shouldn't have because there are some things about myself, and about the people I care for, that just remain private. In the end, we are both hurting, and although I don't take all of the blame for what happened, I do realize that we're hurting because I didn't listen to myself in the beginning.

The illness, mixed with the new relationship completely turned me into someone else. I was not nearly has upbeat and happy as I usually am. I lost most of my positive outlook on life. I stopped focusing on my reason for being and stopped helping other people like I should be doing. I know, a lot of people - my own friends included - always tell me "sometimes it's important to focus on yourself. Sometimes you have to be a little bit selfish in order to get through something" (especially something as traumatic as the Big C). However, I took this too far, and lost sight of who and what I was. I changed.... and I finally realized it ...and I realized I do NOT like what I changed into. Part of this change happened because of the illness and my inability to do much for other people...and in the mean time I got complacent with things. It also happened because I was so focused on ensuring my new beau was happy and did everything in my power to do what made him smile most. We do that for our new significant others sometimes ... :)

Rest assured, my dear and devoted kittens, I do NOT blame anyone but MYSELF for the change that has happened and this "other" person I find in the mirror lately. I also don't expect anyone to do fix this for me, I'm simply explaining it all to you and letting you know what's going on in this brain of mine.

And here we are ... at a crossroads in my life. I stare down two very distinct roads; the one I just traveled down splits off. I can continue the road I was on, it's a bit simpler to travel on; and it makes me happy sometimes and gives me short term bliss. It automatically guarantees the people around me are happy and get what they want, and in turn makes me happy by knowing I caused joy - but I am not genuinely happy. Or, I can turn, and take the road that jets off to the side. It's a much more difficult road to be on; filled with difficult choices, much more self reflection, changing myself back to who I was, ensuring that I don't compromise myself to make others happy. I will be helping people find their bliss, helping others understand themselves and find joy and ways to positively improve themselves and their lives. And I will find my true happiness - hopefully with a partner that understand me and shares my values and outlooks (eventually) in the process.

So, here I go... stepping off the road that was much more easily traveled, and heading down the new one. Wanna join me .. I'm happy to have the company, and who knows, maybe you'll learn some things that will help you along the way?

Sorry Kittens!

Sorry for my absence, Kittens! Things have been insane around these parts lately, with my being sick (again), trying to figure out life, and finally dating again. Oh, please don't ask about that last part... I still get all girly when I talk about it.

However, I'm going to try to pick back up on the whole blogging thing...both here and at Whogavethesekidsakeyboard. it's a collaboration site that approached me and asked if I wanted to write for them. Much shorter blogs, and much more often.

In the mean time, be on the lookout for a Yule blog coming up soon.

Love you all

:D