Sunday, February 19, 2012

Trying to Once Again Find Myself

Well, it's been a while, again ... and, who knows, maybe I'll stick with it this time and keep writing. Writing is therapy for me, even if nobody ever actually reads the things I publish. My overall intent with this blog, and in my life, is to help others look deeper into themselves and find the areas that they think need positive change by sharing my own experiences. Hopefully I can inspire them to make the changes they see necessary in themselves, and in turn, make the world a better place to live in.

However, the last few months I have completely lost myself. Between being sick (again) - this time with Breast Cancer - and a new relationship that is now (sadly) over, all things Trinity fell to the side. I was focused on healing and making someone else happy - and in the midst of all that - I lost sight of myself and turned into a different person.

First, let's talk about what happened. In October I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer. Although it was a bit of a shock, it didn't devastate me as much it does the general public. Since I've been dealing with Leukemia for nearly 14 years and have had everything happen to me from kidney failure, to tumors being removed from my spine, to loosing the eyesight in one eye for 6 months - even flat lining three times - the new lump found in my right breast was just another obstacle for me to face. I'm a Warrior .. nothing can really keep me down (or so I thought!). In November I had my surgery and started radiation. It sucked. Lots. The radiation destroyed every ounce of energy I had and I was pretty much a hermit as I didn't have the ability to do much outside of my house. I started feeling sorry for myself and getting the "whoa is me" personality I try to counsel people away from on a regular basis.

In the midst of all this turmoil, I met a guy. OK, technically I didn't meet him in the middle of all of this, I'd known him for a while and we finally decided to take the chance and start seeing each other exclusively. Looking back, I realize that I compromised my own values and went against things that I have set for myself on who I should and shouldn't date. Not that he's not a wonderful and amazing person. He is .. very much so. He's compassionate, and helpful, and very loving, and a wonderful man. Although we are no longer a couple, I sincerely hope that we can remain close friends and I already miss what we had together. Like I said, overall this entire fiasco was my fault for going against my own rules and dating someone that I knew I shouldn't have. No, you don't get to know why I shouldn't have because there are some things about myself, and about the people I care for, that just remain private. In the end, we are both hurting, and although I don't take all of the blame for what happened, I do realize that we're hurting because I didn't listen to myself in the beginning.

The illness, mixed with the new relationship completely turned me into someone else. I was not nearly has upbeat and happy as I usually am. I lost most of my positive outlook on life. I stopped focusing on my reason for being and stopped helping other people like I should be doing. I know, a lot of people - my own friends included - always tell me "sometimes it's important to focus on yourself. Sometimes you have to be a little bit selfish in order to get through something" (especially something as traumatic as the Big C). However, I took this too far, and lost sight of who and what I was. I changed.... and I finally realized it ...and I realized I do NOT like what I changed into. Part of this change happened because of the illness and my inability to do much for other people...and in the mean time I got complacent with things. It also happened because I was so focused on ensuring my new beau was happy and did everything in my power to do what made him smile most. We do that for our new significant others sometimes ... :)

Rest assured, my dear and devoted kittens, I do NOT blame anyone but MYSELF for the change that has happened and this "other" person I find in the mirror lately. I also don't expect anyone to do fix this for me, I'm simply explaining it all to you and letting you know what's going on in this brain of mine.

And here we are ... at a crossroads in my life. I stare down two very distinct roads; the one I just traveled down splits off. I can continue the road I was on, it's a bit simpler to travel on; and it makes me happy sometimes and gives me short term bliss. It automatically guarantees the people around me are happy and get what they want, and in turn makes me happy by knowing I caused joy - but I am not genuinely happy. Or, I can turn, and take the road that jets off to the side. It's a much more difficult road to be on; filled with difficult choices, much more self reflection, changing myself back to who I was, ensuring that I don't compromise myself to make others happy. I will be helping people find their bliss, helping others understand themselves and find joy and ways to positively improve themselves and their lives. And I will find my true happiness - hopefully with a partner that understand me and shares my values and outlooks (eventually) in the process.

So, here I go... stepping off the road that was much more easily traveled, and heading down the new one. Wanna join me .. I'm happy to have the company, and who knows, maybe you'll learn some things that will help you along the way?


Shari said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Shari said...

i'm thankful you have some great times to look back on from this sweet romance with your friend. :)

(was starting to get cheesy and poetical, so i decided to delete it, and keep it simple. lol... only, then, i started babbling like a goober about how i was deleting and rewriting a comment that i was planning on keeping simple. hahahaha!)