Escaping the Comfort Zone

The Comfort Zone.   It’s technically defined as: a place or situation where one feels safe or at ease; and we all have one.  I hadn’t realized until very recently how much I lived in my little comfort zone.  It’s a place I created due to some serious pre-conditioning by my ex-husband (and yes, I’ll share this information with you in a bit).   But alas, it is incredibly important to realize that you can’t evolve, improve, and grow as a person until you LEAVE the comfort zone.  And kittens, that scares the living-dead daylights out of me. 

 There are quite a few aspects of my life that I live in my comfort zone; I suppose you could call them habits.  They are actions (or in most cases, lack of actions) that I take to protect myself from a response that likely won’t occur.   You see, dearest reader, I was taught (and I use that term in a very abstract manner) that certain actions would cause my now ex-husband to lose his cool and in turn, take his frustrations out on me.  Showing ANY kind of weakness or emotion was one of those things.  As was arguing (technically it wasn’t arguing, it was me making a suggestion that wasn’t what he was thinking) over where to go for dinner. Or wanting to watch the game.  Or not watch the game.  The list unfortunately goes on and on and on.   The main issue I’m having now is realizing and understanding that the things I like and want are NOT bad, and the people in my life will NOT respond in the same fashion if I voice my opinion, ask for something, or simply not agree with everything they say. 

I’ve honed these little habits over the years, to the point that if I already know someone isn’t interested in something (like sports, my particular choice of music, a specific genre of movie, etc.) I won’t even suggest what I want to do as an option.  In my head, I think to myself “you know they don’t like it… what makes you think it’s acceptable to ask for it?”   I know what you’re thinking: “it’s a give and take situation, in a healthy relationship you’ll each do things the other wants to do.”   And, logically, I realize that truth; but there’s this trigger in my brain that goes off.  And that trigger tells me that if I ask for what I want, I will pay for it in some fashion.  

I have two major comfort zones that I’m currently trying to escape.  The first, we talked about above - the refusal to ask for something I want (no matter how badly I want it); especially when I know that someone may not particularly want to participate.  

The second ties rather nicely into the first issue.  It’s “reminding” someone of something I want to do.   In my broken little mind (shush, I like the term) if I mention it more than once, it becomes “nagging” and will end up badly. Again, this is directly related my previous relationship and how he would react when I said something more than once (regardless the timing.  It could actually be months later).  ‘Yes, I remember, now shut up about it already” is one of the kinder ways he’s responded.  So, I mention something once, and let it go.  This is particularly difficult in my current situation because I don’t have my own means of transportation.  If I need or want to do something, go somewhere, etc., I either have to rely on someone else to take me (have I mentioned that I have the world’s most amazing cousin???) or borrow a car (two shout-outs to Vicki . .I’d be nowhere – literally – without you).   I absolutely don’t expect other people to remember all the things I want to do, places I want to go, things I want to buy, etc.   On the flip side, I can’t seem to bring myself to mention it again out of fear of what might happen. 

So that’s where I am right now; facing a door to the OTHER SIDE of the comfort zone.  Looking for the key to unlock it, and the courage to walk through.  

There’s a lot of Fear here

We call it a comfort zone for a reason…we feel safe here.  We know what’s going on, what to expect, and how things will happen.  When we step through that door into the unknown… it’s downright frightening.   Fear of the unknown is what holds us back the most, regardless of what we’re chasing.  

The key is when you trust and care for the people in your life, then you know that regardless of what you ask for, how often you say something, or even if you disagree with something they say nothing terrible is going to happen. Sure we’ll have disagreements or even arguments with the people we love.   That’s shouldn’t stop us from speaking up; even if we are afraid.  We can find our safe zones in a lot of different places, and usually it’s with the right people. 

Small Steps

There is no way stepping out of your comfort zone is going to happen overnight. It’s a long, sometimes painful, process of very small steps.  We can’t just jump into the deep end of the pool, without knowing how to swim, and expect to survive.   As enticing as that sounds (and as much as I expect that out of myself) it’s simply not realistic. 

So, we have to take small, stable steps.  Create a series of small goals that will ultimately result in leaving the Comfort Zone behind and stepping into a new future of adventure and peace.  I know it sounds cheesy and unattainable, but it’s so very true. Reaching small goals (and being able to say “Yes, I accomplished that!”) is what helps us move forward.  These accomplishments give us the drive and courage to keep going.   Personally, I’m a list person (those of you who know me know EXACTLY what I’m talking about.  There’s a written list for everything).   When I do something, I cross it off the list; that way I can visually see my progress and those accomplishments are what keep me going. 

A quick word about goals (whether they are small or large and regardless of what they are for).  Make them SMART.  Specific.  Measureable.  Attainable.  Realistic.  Time-driven.   There’s a WHOLE blog that needs to go around that concept... but for now, just keep those things in mind.  Otherwise your goals are just random dreams with no plan. 

So take some time out (especially from the things you are doing to avoid getting out of your comfort zone) and set your small goals.   You can even set your large goal, and work backwards into the smaller ones.  Whatever works for you.  Just keep moving forward and reach out for support when you need it. 

Communication

Oh…no.  Not Communication.   This is likely the most daunting of tasks for most of us; even under the best of circumstances.  Talking to others about what’s going on in our heads and with our emotions can be scary; especially when we don’t know how they are going to respond.   However difficult, communication is essential to ensuring you get the love and support you need to step out, and stay out, of your comfort zone. 

Take the time to talk to a trusted friend, relative, or loved one; and be prepared.  It’s going to be a deep conversation.  In concept (I say this, because it’s not as easy as I make it sound…even for me) you need to explain WHERE your comfort zone is, why you’re there, and why it’s important for you to move out and forward.  You can likely expect some really strong emotions during this conversation and potentially some tears.  This is not a bad thing.  Just let it happen and talk it out.  The loved ones in your life will want to understand and help you; but you have to let them.   

Trust

Trust is a tough word, because we’ve all been in a place where our trust was misplaced and it hurt.  Things were held against us, someone shared our information with someone else, we were made fun or – or worse – were told what we are feeling/doing/experiencing is wrong.  It sucks and it causes damage and makes it harder and harder to trust someone.  Even ourselves. Trust is essential to growing as a person; so strap in, it’s going to be a bumpy ride.  

Trust your loved ones not to hold things against you.  Trust YOURSELF.  Trust that talking about things, working through them and being uncomfortable at times will work.  When all else fails, take a step back and...talk about it. 

Communication

Nope, this is not a typo; I put communication on here twice.  There are two different sets of communication that should be happening for you.   The first is that initial conversation with your friends/loved ones regarding finding your way out of the comfort zone. 

The next level is even MORE communication.   This particular self-improvement process is different than many of the others ones we’ve discussed because in a lot of cases, it effects other people.  You already know my story, so you can see how it would impact the people in my life.  As I continue to work through my current issues, I’ve been told (several times) “you just need to talk to me about it.”   I’m trying (it’s HARD, dang it) and it’s helping.  Communication is they key (heck, it’s the key to a lot of things) to getting you outside of your comfort zone; because with the right people, that communication is going to take you further than anything else.  When you have the right people in your life and they understand what you’re going through, they help.  They don’t make it worse, they don’t hold it against you, and they certainly don’t make fun of you.   In fact, they may actually give you some good advice, they will let you cry (or they will cry with you) and they will make you smile. 

Eventually, dear reader, you will find yourself walking out of the comfort zone.  You’ll find yourself growing, learning, and being happier with life.   So, take a deep breath, approach that door, and get started on the lock.  Trust me, it’ll be worth the work.

 And above all, be kind to yourself and others. 

The Plight of the People Pleaser

Before we get started, beloved reader, I know... I know.  It’s been forever; but to be entirely honest with you (something I always strive to be) I haven’t been in the proper frame of mind for blogging. To me, my blog should be about inspiration, education, and entertainment.  I haven’t been feeling any of those lately – thus the lack of noise from this site.   My outlook really hasn't changed much, but I thought maybe writing will change my mindset; or at least the things I write about will help change YOUR life. Alright, onto the good stuff.  

Hi, my name is Trinity, and I’m a People Pleaser.   Admit it, you did the “Hi Trinity” thing in your head; cookies are available in the back of the room.  Looking back, I realize I've been a People Pleasure all of my adult life; potentially starting in High School.  I won’t blame any specific event or person for this behavioral pattern, it was simply something I have become.   I am, in no way, saying that being a People Pleaser is a bad thing; it does, however, have the potential to be overwhelming a bit detrimental to someone if they don’t keep an eye on the situation. 

People Pleasers face unique challenges to their own happiness if they aren't cautious about what’s happening around them.  I, personally, have found myself struggling with all of the challenges listed here to varying degrees, which has landed me in my little unhappy slice of paradise.  

Lack of Balance

People Pleasers (I so desperately want to call them PPs ..but I just can’t bring myself to do it!) can get so wrapped up in ensuring the happiness of others in their lives that they lose balance.  No, I don’t mean they fall to the ground unexpectedly, although that’s been known to happen to me from time to time J.   We (yes, I’m including myself since I am already identified as a Pleaser) lose a sense of balance in our lives. We live to please and serve others, and forget that making ourselves happy is just as important.  This lack of balance leads to a lot of different things (see the next few points) including finding ourselves with little “alone” time, or zero time to do simple things in life, like laundry or house cleaning.   We find our schedules filled with “go here, do this”; and – at least in my personal experience – less than 10% of the things on the schedule are there because I want to do it for myself.   I know I’m not the only Pleaser that experiences this lack of balance; but I’ll be honest with you - I have no idea yet how to fix it. 

Busy, Busy Days

Who says there are only 24 hours in a day?  When you’re a Pleaser – you’re on the go constantly; making sure that everything is addressed; you often find a sense of time-warping.  If only there were a TARDIS and a sexy-smart Doctor to help us along!!   We find ourselves eating off the kitchen counter before bed, simply because there wasn't enough time to cook the dinner we had planned.  We find laundry piled up in the bedroom because there’s no way we can do laundry at 3am and still function the next day.  We have a ‘to be watched’ list in our DVR players dozens of lines long because we don’t have a day ‘off’ to just sit around and watch TV.   Of course, (at least in my case) this all explains why my house usually looks like a war zone.  And stresses me out to no end. 

Time for “Me”

Me time...I think I remember seeing that on a Lifetime Movie preview once; heheh.  The Me Time concept ties very nicely to the Busy, Busy Days.  From my personal perspective, I have not had a full day to myself (without work or other obligations) in over three months. No, I’m not exaggerating.  The opportunity simply does not present itself.  Not that I haven’t had wonderful times with people I care for, or days full of fun and laughter.  But we all need time to ourselves to stop from losing who we are.   There are several “reasons” for this that I will not elaborate on; but on top of the list is simple.  I feel an overwhelming sense of obligation when someone asks me to do something.  Saying No isn’t always an option or an ultimate outcome for a Pleaser.   We can’t stand disappointing someone simply because we want to have some time to ourselves; we do not see that as an acceptable reason.   Moreover, the more we try to please others, the harder it becomes to say no - -simply because they know we’ll give in if they ask enough.   

What would I do with me time?  OH THE LIST!!!   I won’t bore you with it, but know that it’s extensive and full of average, everyday things.   Things I simply haven’t had the chance to do, and it’s my “dream day” if I ever have one. 

Lack of Personal Joy

I've been avoiding this particular point for a while now; not just from a writing perspective, but from a personal perspective.  Pleasers rarely have an opportunity to experience their own, personal, joy. We gain joy from ensuring the people in our lives are happy; and we often do that to our own detriment. Don’t get me wrong – we have fun, we laugh, we love and we enjoy things.  However, the things we would do to make ourselves happy are not the things that would make the people in our lives happy (at least not at the time we need them) so we put them aside, and hope to get to them at another time.   The issue becomes when the time runs out, the Pleaser finds himself in a sad and sometimes empty place; and it’s a well that’s difficult to dig out of at times.

So, where do we go from here?   I’m not quite sure myself, lovely reader.  I know I’ve identified part of my unhappiness, but I’m not quite sure the resolution at this time… though I would love to hear your thoughts on it.   If you have a Pleaser in your life (they will usually not come right out and identify themselves as one, so watch for the patterns we discussed) talk to them about it (if they are open to that!).  Maybe together you can find a solution that makes everyone happy.

Remember, joy is a wonderful thing to behold…and worth pursuing. 

Much love to each of you

Xo

Trinity

Co-Existence and the Crush

Yeap, time for another "way too much information" personal blog from your favorite writer. I have this list .. that keeps getting longer .. of blogs that I should be focusing on. Unfortunately when I have the motivation to focus on it and write something I don't have the time. And when I have the time to blog, I don't have the motivation to write about the stuff that's on the list. But alas, Kittens, don't worry eventually I'll get to it all.

Right now, I'm struggling with motivation in general, not wanting to do anything incredibly productive. I have a to-do list that feels like it's about 12 miles long, both at work and at home. When I find myself un-motivated, my twisted, terrible mind starts to wander all over the place. What am I going to focus on for Bloodview this season? Why is my house such a wreck; and why haven't the cleaning fairies shown up to help out? How in the world am I ever going to fit everything into my schedule so that the people in my life stay happy and healthy? Am I EVER going to find a solid, healthy relationship? The list, like my to-do list, goes on and on.

Ahhh yes, the relationship thing again. Of course, we all know I SUCK when it comes to relationships (or at least this is the general consensus - -and I'm not sure I can properly argue against it). This isn't really news to anyone. My mind (and what's left of the cool place in my chest where my heart is supposed to be) have a very different view of relationships than most people do. I need to be able to happily co-exist with someone. Not get married. Not settle down and have a white picket fence, and a golden retriever. I need to co-exist with someone. This doesn't mean we have to spend every single conscious second together, nor does it mean I have to even speak to them every day -- text is fine for me most of the time. Co-existing with someone means being there for each other, but not having to be in each other's space all the time. It means texting daily, but not hourly. It means having the patience to wait for a response if a call or text goes unanswered. It means understanding that we each have a life, separate from that of our relationship and that we won't always have time for each other. Co-existing means we are as happy individually as we are together. It means we live for life, not for each other. It also means that we care enough about each other, and ourselves, that if for some reason it doesn't work out; that although we will be hurting - neither of us will face a life of turmoil or self-imposed torture.

Co-existing means curling up together in the same room (either next to each other or not - depending on what we are doing) and sometimes doing our own thing. Maybe I'm reading and my partner is working on a project. Sometimes it means we are watching a movie together, or reading the same magazine. It's being emotionally invested in each other, in our selves, and in us as a couple. Morever, co-existing means understanding each other's needs and wants; or lack of wants, as some cases may be.

So, this leads me to the Crush part... yeah I have one. It's the same one I've had on and off for nearly 5 years now, though I suppose if I'm honest with myself it's never really gone away. I know for quite a while he was seeing someone; so there was no way I was going to pursue anything. I have no idea of the relationship was serious or not; but that doesn't really matter. When someone is spoken for, they are spoken for... end of story. Anyways, this .. crush .. is no longer in a relationship; as I found out this week. OK well, it seems he's not ... though I could have misunderstood our conversation. I'll admit I didn't ask outright, but the conversation didn't head in that direction so without a sudden and complete change of direction; it wasn't going to get asked.

I can't help but wonder if you're thinking "so why didn't you just ask him out?" or something along those lines. The answer is a relatively simple one, though you might not completely understand it. I don't want to be the one to make the first move. I don't want to be that girl that asks a good friend out (we've been pretty close for the past 5 years or so) who isn't interested in her romantically and potentially messes up a good friendship. I also don't want to be the aggressor for ONCE in my life.... I just want to know if he's interested. And if he is, then I want him to be man enough about it to approach me. I'm by no far a damsel in distress; most anyone can tell you that. I do, however, prefer a guy that can be the dominant one (in any way you care to take that) and knows what he wants.

Yes, I'm babbling, probably not making much sense, and most likely whining a bit. Give me a break, I've had a really long week. :)

Well, all that being said, I suppose there's not much lesson to be taught here. Just the ramblings of a warped mind and twisted sense of self worth. lol. Though I learned to be truly happy you have to know what you want ... and wait for it. So, perhaps you'll do a bit of self reflection to find out what parts of your life you're not happy with and make a break for the happy place?

Be at peace with yourself, and you'll be at peace with the world

Self Awareness ... Self Loathing?

So, I'm putting aside my list of blog requests one more time to post something a bit more personal to me. The last few days I've been feeling really down on myself. Just kinda "blah" ... not myself. Lower than usual self esteem, can't seem to find my inner smile, something just ... off. So when I woke up this morning (after a really interesting dream) I did a longer than usual meditation session ... hoping to figure out why I'm in this funk. Unfortunately, I found it.

Usually when I have a self discovery I'm pretty happy about it. Even when it's a discovery that's not completely positive. If we can't look within ourselves and find the areas of improvement we need most, we can never aspire to improve ourselves. However, sometimes those self revelations are painful; and sometimes the truth you find isn't even yours to change.

So, you may be asking yourself "what is this self discovery"? Then again, you might not be asking that -- but since this is my site, I'm going to tell you anyways. If you don't want to know, I highly suggest you stop reading now. :)

So here it is .. and it's not pretty. I've realized that sometime in the past year or so (could be more than that.. maybe a little less) that I've become a "dirty little secret" to a whole lot of people. It seems like everywhere I turn, I'm being asked to hide a major part of myself to make others happy. I'm constantly facing one (or several) of the following scenarios:

"I really want to go out with you, but I don't wanna tell a lot of people, it's really none of their business" (seriously ... who are you hiding me from)?

"I'd love for you to be in my wedding, but you'll have to figure out a way to hide all those tattoos.. my mother-in-law will never understand why you do that to yourself" (cause it's how I express myself, and I'm here to make you happy - -not your mother-in-law)

"My (xx = insert a friend or relative here) can't wait to finally meet you. But don't talk about the fact that you're Wiccan ... they will have a fit" (So, I'm supposed to lie about what I believe in if they ask me directly?)

"(xx) says you're really cool and can't wait to hang out with you again.. but next time don't talk about your work at the haunted house, it creeps them out." (so if they ask me how the "scaring people" is going .. how am I supposed to respond?)

"When you meet (xx) don't flirt with other girls and don't mention your bi. They aren't comfortable with it, and it will make things harder for me" (OK . . A I don't announce it during my introduction. B .. why can't I flirt with whom I want to? Just because it's easier for you?)

"At next week's party don't talk about your cancer. (xx) gets really upset when it's brought up." (So if someone asks me about it, I'm just supposed to say "Oh it's nothing really"?)

"You're really pretty and I'd love to take you out sometime.. just make sure my girlfriend doesn't find out" (umm... just umm)

Don't mention your sexuality, don't mention your alternate lifestyle, don't mention your illness, don't mention you're divorced, don't mention your passion for haunting, don't mention your spirituality, don't mention the fact that you counsel people. All of these things say the same thing to me... "Whatever you do DO NOT BE YOURSELF'.

Now, let me set a couple things straight while I have the opportunity. Most aspects of my life I don't talk "openly" about... like being bi or even my spirituality. I usually side-step a conversation if I know it will be controversial and I'm with people I don't know that well. I realize not everyone is comfortable with certain topics, so it's not like I intentionally start conversations about things. But if someone asks me about my illness, I'm going to talk about it. Same thing with other things that I'm passionate about. I will certainly not lie to people if I'm asked a direct question.

However, when people in my life continually point out things about me that I'm supposed to hide or I hear comments like the following it really starts to wear on me:

"I wish I could tell (xx) about the time you taught me this. But every time I mention you they get upset" (that makes me feel wonderful...the fact that you won't even bring me up in casual conversation with someone)

"Sometimes I catch myself starting to tell (xx) about you and I stop because of (insert lame excuse about such-and-such not liking me or something I do)." So, since they don't like a certain aspect of my life you can't tell them about me at all?

"Someone asked me why I've been so level-headed lately. I was going to tell them about our counselling session and how you showed me how to meditate, but they would think it's stupid, so I just said I was happier about stuff". Embarrassed about me?

I feel like I'm being stuffed into a closet and labeled "not worth the effort of explaining to others" or, more simply "freak who must stay hidden".

So, in a nutshell, I'm OK to hang out with on a one-on-one basis; and even alright in small group settings. However, when it comes to being more in anyone's life it seems to be out of the question. I'm the "dirty little secret" ....because they aren't comfortable enough with me to stand up to the people in their lives so I'm trapped in a cage pretending to be someone less than I am.

Now, where does this leave us, dearest reader? I really don't know. There's nothing I can do to change the thoughts and behaviors of others; so I can only focus on myself in this situation. I've spent a lot of time in meditation and self awareness to be happy and comfortable with who I am. I will not change to make others more comfortable with who I am; because then I wouldn't be true to myself. What I need is to find the path that takes me to a place where the statements I've discussed with you don't bother me. A place where I'm secure enough with myself that when others want to push me into that closet, I can rest comfortably there. A place where being everyone's "second" is OK .. because I know I am my first.

So, I guess that's it then. That's where I am right now, little kittens. As always, thank you for taking the time to read this, and learn more about me. Hopefully my little ramblings give you the change to look inside yourself and find a way to make the world a better place.

Be at peace with yourself and you'll be at peace with the world.

You Always Have A Choice

Hello there, beloved reader. I realized earlier today that it's been too long since I've posted something...and then sat here for a while staring at the blank screen. Usually I have about a million things I can write about; but today there was very little. Not that I'm uninspired, just that I don't know what to say about things.

There have been a whole lot of changes in my life recently. Some good, others bad. Some that have hurt me a lot (even though some people seem to think differently) and others that have made me smile more than I have since 2006. Some that have inspired me to be more helpful towards others, and events that have made me want to completely walk away from people I never thought I'd turn my back on. That's a whole lot of stuff -- and I'm sure I'd bore you to tears if I wrote about all of it.

Then I realized something pretty spectacular. Everything that has happened in the past couple of months - the good, the bad, the happy, the sad, the beautiful, and the ugly; have all happened because of a CHOICE. Sometimes it's not my choice but the choice of someone else. That forces me into a choice for a variety of reasons. Sometimes it's me being faced with two choices; neither of which I like... but there is still a choice to be made.

It reminds me of a movie I once saw with Michelle Pfeiffer - Dangerous Minds. During the movie she says something along the lines of "You have a choice! It may not be a choice you like, but it's still a choice". Even when I first saw that movie so many year ago, that line has stuck with me. We are surrounded by choices, and it's the choices we make that determine our path.

Let me give you a couple of examples. I was recently faced with the very difficult decision of ending a friendship with someone I cared deeply for. It was so not a choice that I wanted to make. Neither choice presented to me was acceptable. I could maintain the friendship even though the person was involved in things I was not 100% comfortable with (nothing illegal mind you; but I have personal standards that I have compromised on in the past -- it's always come back to bite me). If I chose to maintain the friendship, I would be compromising my personal integrity; not something I was OK with. My other choice was to end the friendship and allow us to go our separate ways. This choice makes my heart hurt and my soul cry. I adored spending time with this person and in no way wanted to just walk away -- but I didn't have a choice. The person had made it very clear that they had no intention of not doing what they were doing, and therefore, I had to make the incredibly difficult decision to end a friendship. It was an devastating difficult thing for me to to; but I'm confident that it was also the right thing. Choices -- sometimes there isn't a good one to be found.

Here's another example. I was recently confronted with a major dilemma. Someone I love dearly was acting in a way that made me embarrassed to even be associated with them. It was a ridiculous situation in general filled with actions that I haven't seen since Middle School; starring grown adults. My first thought was "how in the WORLD can you choose to act like that"... and regardless of the defenses provided by those involved, it was a choice. It was a choice that made them look bad, and it also reflected very poorly on those that are closely associated with them. I won't lie -- I went home and cried for several hours over the whole thing while I tried to determine which choice I should make in the situation. You may be sitting there thinking "what kind of choice could you possibly have -- this scenario has very little to do with you directly?" And as true as that statement is, the event does reflect on me, and my reputation in a way; that in itself posed some choices that I have to make. I needed to choose to possibly end another friendship, choose to cut all ties with this person, choose to not do anything at all, etc. I lost sleep (two nights worth) making a choice and I am confident I now made the right one. I didn't like any of the choices all that much; but I couldn't seem to find any other options. However, I made a choice, with the thoughts that MY actions dictate my reputation more than the actions of anyone else. It is with my actions that I can attempt to turn around a bad situation (hopefully).

So, here's the bottom line, my adorable kittens: Your life is the way it is currently because of the choices you made. There is no way to "take back" a choice; but there is always a way to move forward from them. If you don't like a choice you have made -- think about what choices you can make to remedy the situation. Have your hurt someone, or is someone hurt because of your actions? Make the choice to talk to them about it; get their feelings on the situation - TALK to them. Are you feeling sorry for yourself and find yourself in a slump? Make the choice that you can make yourself happy and do it; it's a state of mind (yes, I know sometimes depression is a chemical imbalance - choose to seek help for it in whatever capacity you need). Are you facing a choice that you just don't know what to do with? Find a friend, a counselor, or a relative that you can trust and talk to them about it. They can't make the choice for you, but they can help you in with their advice, their experiences, and their feelings.

Remember, that when it's all said and done YOU have to live with the choices that you make. Be at peace with your choices; think them through. Choose wisely and you'll be at peace with yourself.

Much love <3

A Proper Argument

Let’s face it, kittens. Everyone argues – and I’m sure we all argue more than we’d like to. Personally, with two ex-husbands, a teenage daughter, and a wonderful sister with whom I didn’t always see eye-to-eye; I’ve certainly had more than a fair share of arguments. In all honesty, many of my arguments have been over petty things, and should have never occurred. I’m sure you can relate to that.

In my years (and years, and years) of arguing, I’ve actually learned quite a few things. These things, coupled with a few effective communication seminars I’ve attended have helped me realize that arguments, although unavoidable, do not have to be as hurtful, long, and painful as we tend to make them. How? The concepts are easy to understand, but difficult to put into practice. I promise, if you try hard enough at them and share them with the people in your life, you’ll find yourself with less severe arguments.

Before I begin, I need to put the “footnote” in here. I know there will always be major arguments or fights that are unavoidable; they will hurt and will be long and difficult. I’ll also be the first to admit that sometimes my emotions get the better of me and I don’t put into practice these principles. However, by keeping some of these things in mind, you will find yourself in a better place with the relationships in your life; especially when you can’t avoid the arguments. I can go on and on about all the things that you should and shouldn’t do with an argument – or any communication for that matter – but I’ll try to keep to just the major impact points for now.

The Facts versus The Stories This is something that I’ll get into deeper in a different post, but the simple version is this. Stick to the facts of a situation, versus making up your version of “why” the person did something. “I’m pissed off that you were 20 minutes late to the restaurant and we missed our reservation”. That’s a fact, and a valid emotion. This is a story “I can’t believe that Stacy is more important than me and you couldn’t tear yourself away from her in enough time to get here. We’ve missed our reservation and might as well just go home and starve for the rest of the night”. I know, you’re probably giggling, but let’s admit, we all over react and say stuff like that. How do you know that Stacy was the reason the person was late to the restaurant? Maybe the person was in an accident on the way? Maybe the other person got caught by a train? Maybe Stacy is the reason, but it’s because her cat was hit by a car and she needed to be comforted until someone else got home. Sticking to the facts versus making up your own reasons why the other person did or didn’t do something will curb a lot of frustration and arguments on its own.

Leave the Past Alone This is probably one of the BIGGEST mistakes people make when they are arguing with someone. They constantly bring up things the other person has done wrong in the past. “Remember that time in 1805 when I asked you to be sure the bed warmer under the comforter and you forgot? My feet were cold all night long and I ended up with the Plague”. “I apologized for that, and still feel really horrible about it – even 206 years later” “I know, but you still forgot to do it, and my feet were blue when we wok…..” You get the idea. The past is just that, the past. Everyone makes mistakes, and we apologize for them; and hopefully are forgiven (forgiving some things may take longer than others, I realize that). Keep in mind that actions or words that occurred in the past cannot be changed; if the other person has apologized for it, there is no reason to continuously bring it up – unless your intent is to specifically hurt them and make them feel terrible about themselves. If that is your intent, you should really reconsider your approach to things; would you like it if others did that to you? They do? Does it make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside? No .. it doesn’t.. so you shouldn’t do it to others, right? Right.

Actually and Actively Listen How often during an argument do you stop listening to the other person and start formulating what you’re going to say in response to them? If you don’t hear what they are saying, there is no way you’re able to actually understand their emotions, their line of thinking, or even their apology if that’s what they are saying. When you speak, you like to know others are listening and hearing what you are saying, it’s only proper to do that in return. Interrupting the other person to make your point (or to make your point AGAIN) diminishes their worth and in return, the argument will slide down the “you’re not even hearing the things I am saying” slope. We’ve all been there. Active listening is an entirely different blog (I’ll get to it eventually), but the basics are this: stop thinking about yourself and listen to what the other person is saying. Respond by validating their words (“You said that you were angry that I forgot to let the dog out, I understand, I would be angry too if it happened the other way around” versus “Last week YOU forgot to clean the litter box and your cat peed in my shoes, so I guess we’re even”. 2 rules broken right there – don’t bring up the past (assuming the dog thing is the actual argument) and not validating the other’s words) and their emotions. Everyone speaks from their own truth, and what might not seem like a very big deal to you may be to the other person, and to take that truth away from them is not fair.

Don’t Attack Character or Call Names and Button Pushing Calling names (especially hateful names like “a**h*le” or “b***h”) or attacking each other’s character is just another way of intentionally inflicting pain on the other person. What’s the purpose other than to make them feel horrible about themselves? I’m assuming by this time in the conversation, everyone’s emotions are high, most likely someone is crying, and all that is being accomplished with this is to tear down someone’s self esteem and invite them to do to the same to you. The same thing applies to what I consider Button Pushing. It’s knowing the things that make the other person feel bad, angry, or upset, and intentionally bringing them up. For example, the person the following statement is directed towards has self esteem issues about their weight. The argument is about whether or not the dog should be kenneled at night so it stops eating the couch (and nothing to do with diets, exercise, etc.) Button Pushing would go something like this (extreme example) “Maybe if you weren’t so fat and always ate your chips on the couch, Polly wouldn’t be so enthusiastic about chewing the couch”. I said it was extreme, but you get the point. A more subtle, but just as damaging, example: “Polly chews the couch because she doesn’t get enough exercise, you should know what that’s like”. Keep the argument to the facts at hand; don’t try to hurt each other.

NEVER use these words I’m guilty of using words during an argument that I would never ever say to someone in a regular conversation. I’ve also witnessed enough arguments to know I’m not the only one that uses these words. These are the worst of the worst during an argument and can cut deep, and wound for a long time. Shut-up and Hate. Telling someone to shut-up (shut your mouth, etc.) is demeaning and more hurtful than you realize. When you tell someone to shut-up, you’re basically letting them know that whatever they say is invaluable and you don’t want to hear it. Even if that is the case (but seriously – invaluable? If you believed that you would never speak to them) there are better ways of telling them. In my experience shut-up is usually used to stop someone from interrupting when you’re trying to say something. So try “Can you just let me say what I need to say, then I’ll listen to your side”. Hate is a word that I try to never ever use...especially during an argument. It’s just a horrible mean thing to say to someone “I hate you. I hate the way you talk to me. I hate the fact that .. “ etc. Use ‘don’t like’, use can’t stand’ … but please please please don’t use hate.

I’ll leave you, after all this rambling with this. End the argument. Simply say “Can we not argue about this anymore? I’m done trying to fight about something that we can easily fix if we both calm down (notice “if we both calm down.” Don’t use “if you calm down)”. End on a good note, and be sure to apologize to each other when you’re ready to. “I’m sorry I said things that might have hurt you, etc.” It’s just good for the relationship.

Be at peace with yourself and you’ll be at peace with the world.