Right now, I'm struggling with motivation in general, not wanting to do anything incredibly productive. I have a to-do list that feels like it's about 12 miles long, both at work and at home. When I find myself un-motivated, my twisted, terrible mind starts to wander all over the place. What am I going to focus on for Bloodview this season? Why is my house such a wreck; and why haven't the cleaning fairies shown up to help out? How in the world am I ever going to fit everything into my schedule so that the people in my life stay happy and healthy? Am I EVER going to find a solid, healthy relationship? The list, like my to-do list, goes on and on.
Ahhh yes, the relationship thing again. Of course, we all know I SUCK when it comes to relationships (or at least this is the general consensus - -and I'm not sure I can properly argue against it). This isn't really news to anyone. My mind (and what's left of the cool place in my chest where my heart is supposed to be) have a very different view of relationships than most people do. I need to be able to happily co-exist with someone. Not get married. Not settle down and have a white picket fence, and a golden retriever. I need to co-exist with someone. This doesn't mean we have to spend every single conscious second together, nor does it mean I have to even speak to them every day -- text is fine for me most of the time. Co-existing with someone means being there for each other, but not having to be in each other's space all the time. It means texting daily, but not hourly. It means having the patience to wait for a response if a call or text goes unanswered. It means understanding that we each have a life, separate from that of our relationship and that we won't always have time for each other. Co-existing means we are as happy individually as we are together. It means we live for life, not for each other. It also means that we care enough about each other, and ourselves, that if for some reason it doesn't work out; that although we will be hurting - neither of us will face a life of turmoil or self-imposed torture.
Co-existing means curling up together in the same room (either next to each other or not - depending on what we are doing) and sometimes doing our own thing. Maybe I'm reading and my partner is working on a project. Sometimes it means we are watching a movie together, or reading the same magazine. It's being emotionally invested in each other, in our selves, and in us as a couple. Morever, co-existing means understanding each other's needs and wants; or lack of wants, as some cases may be.
So, this leads me to the Crush part... yeah I have one. It's the same one I've had on and off for nearly 5 years now, though I suppose if I'm honest with myself it's never really gone away. I know for quite a while he was seeing someone; so there was no way I was going to pursue anything. I have no idea of the relationship was serious or not; but that doesn't really matter. When someone is spoken for, they are spoken for... end of story. Anyways, this .. crush .. is no longer in a relationship; as I found out this week. OK well, it seems he's not ... though I could have misunderstood our conversation. I'll admit I didn't ask outright, but the conversation didn't head in that direction so without a sudden and complete change of direction; it wasn't going to get asked.
I can't help but wonder if you're thinking "so why didn't you just ask him out?" or something along those lines. The answer is a relatively simple one, though you might not completely understand it. I don't want to be the one to make the first move. I don't want to be that girl that asks a good friend out (we've been pretty close for the past 5 years or so) who isn't interested in her romantically and potentially messes up a good friendship. I also don't want to be the aggressor for ONCE in my life.... I just want to know if he's interested. And if he is, then I want him to be man enough about it to approach me. I'm by no far a damsel in distress; most anyone can tell you that. I do, however, prefer a guy that can be the dominant one (in any way you care to take that) and knows what he wants.
Yes, I'm babbling, probably not making much sense, and most likely whining a bit. Give me a break, I've had a really long week. :)
Well, all that being said, I suppose there's not much lesson to be taught here. Just the ramblings of a warped mind and twisted sense of self worth. lol. Though I learned to be truly happy you have to know what you want ... and wait for it. So, perhaps you'll do a bit of self reflection to find out what parts of your life you're not happy with and make a break for the happy place?
Be at peace with yourself, and you'll be at peace with the world
