Monday, November 26, 2012

The Disposable Girlfriend

Most of the blogs I write are scripted to help you - my beloved reader. Sometimes, like today, I need to write for myself.  Consider it my own personal type of therapy.  You see, kittens,  with as much counseling as I do for others - and even with the counseling I go to for myself, there are times I have so much flooding my mind that I just need to get it out.

You see, although I do go to formal counseling, and I have for years, it's usually because I need to unload the "ick" I've picked up from counseling others.  To discuss how I have failed someone else.  I very rarely talk about the things that are bothering me -- don't ask me why; it's just a fact at this point.

Now, I know what you're saying (are you talking out loud to your computer screen at me?) "Why don't you talk to one of your friends?"  The painful truth of the matter is simple; I don't really have one of THOSE friends I an talk to.  That someone that can sit and listen, without judgement, without making it about them, and without somehow making me feel worse about the situation than I already do.  Sami (my wonderful, smart, and incredibly open-minded daughter) is ALWAYS there for me..and we have talked about this a bit.  I know I can talk to her about anything and everything; I just don't feel like it's "fair" to unload all my bullshit on her -- she's got enough to deal with!  However, Rayven always knows when something is bugging me and when she asks I always tell her the truth.  I also have Chester; but he's 2193847 miles away and sometimes the time zones don't jive, or our schedules... and sometimes it's hard to convey what you want to say via Instant Message.  So this is my attempt to unload - in my own way.

So, forgive me in advance if things sound cryptic and unspecific.  I'm going to try to do this without showing too much of my MiM (Monster in the Mirror) and without calling out anyone specific that may be involved in my recent failures.

So Here Goes.

Do you think that Lady Karma gives you what she thinks you deserve AFTER she reviews your Karmic Wheel?  For example, you do nice things for people, are kind and generous and your Karma Wheel is filled with good vibes.  If you are mean to people, treat them poorly,are disloyal or downright horrible then your Karma Wheel is filled with negativity.  Lady Karma reviews your wheel and provides to you accordingly. Right?  Right.  I'd like to think so.

However, lately it seems Lady Karma has been giving me lessons based on my future transgressions.  At the risk of sounding odd and a bit pretentious; I know exactly what kind of person I am and what is on my Karmic Wheel.  So why is it that I'm constantly being handed the sharp end of the Sword?   Just so you're aware, I'm not talking about medical things -- I know Lady Karma (nor the Powers the Be) does not hand out medical complications and illness; that is a purely physical and scientific thing.  I would never blame Lady Karma or The Powers that Be for my illnesses and resulting complications.

I'm talking about a much more personal level.  The level that, regardless of whether or not we'll admit it, is so very important to all of us.  Our relationships with others.  I'll be the first to admit that I'm difficult to deal with and impossible to manage; hell I should have it as a tattoo.  I also know I'm not the pick of the litter when it comes to body structure or health.  I do, however, have my positive attributes, and in my opinion they outweigh my negative ones.  Well, at least they do to me.  I won't list them for you; if you know me well enough you should be able to figure out what they are.  If you don't know me that well, you'll just have to trust me; or ask around.

For all of my positive attributes; one question remains unanswered.  Why in the HELL can't I have a solid, stable, mature(ish), relationship?   Don't get me wrong, I don't dislike being single.  However, it seems whenever I find myself interested in someone, they are on one of two ends of the relationship pool.  They either start talking "let's get married" right away (yea, no) and completely smother me -- wanting to spend every waking moment together, constantly texting or callng and getting upset if I don't respond right away. OR they want to keep me like a dirty little secret.  They are perfectly happy with me spending time with them, behind closed doors but certainly not out in public or in front of other people.  Funny, when I think about it - my last semi-stable relationship started that same way; it took a third party to "push" them into making things official and public.  It seems that this second group of people is more predominant in my life than the first.  Apparently I'm the worlds best "disposable girlfriend".  I'm perfectly acceptable as a choice until someone better comes around or to fill in the gaps between relationships.  To be perfectly honest I'd much prefer to be somewhere in the middle of these two places.

So, I find myself trying to answer these questions:  What am I not learning or changing in my life to stop this pattern?   It's certainly not a pattern I like - nor a pattern I want to continue.  Do I have to commit to a serious, long term relationship with someone immediately in order to have someone in my life?  Am I just destined to be the disposable girlfriend due to the baggage that comes along with loving me?  Will I  have to change what I want in a person, how I want to live my life, and what I expect in a relationship in order to find a slice of happiness?  Is settling an option?  What about crazy cat lady?

So, there you have it kittens. The long and short of what's bugging me recently.  Will I make any significant changes in my life at this moment?  Probably not - because I don't necessarily see anything that's blatantly wrong.  I want the people in my life to continue to be there - whatever that entails.  Will something change in the future - potentially.  Will I start making ultimatums to the people I care for and spend time with?  FUCK NO .. that's not how I operate.  If I don't like the way things are in my life,it's up to me to change them..not others.

Well, kittens and mewlings (welcome to the new readers, by the way) that was a LOT less specific than I intended it to be. And although I'm very tempted, and trained, to go back and change it -- to make it less specific and more positive, I'm not going to.   It's out there now, and although I don't immediately feel better for saying it all out loud, I think I will eventually.  T

Thursday, November 22, 2012

Couldn't Be More Thankful

Here in the United States, today is Thanksgiving.  It's a day, in history, when two very different cultures came together to feast and share their bounty with each other.  It was a day of open hearts, open mindedness, love, and tolerance.  In my mind, heart, and spirit; I live this every day.  Today, however, is that day each year-- that third Thursday in November, where families, friends, and loved ones gather and share their love, spirit and hope with each other.  And don't forget the food!

My list of blessings, the things I am thankful for, is endless.  There are very few things in my life that I can't contribute to making me the person I am today.  I'm only going to touch on a few of them .. but trust me when I tell you that the list goes on and on.

Samantha Rae Harper 
My Daughter, Sami (aka Rayven, Smarmy, Be'be, The Baby, Babe, Hey You, etc.) is the single most amazing thing in my life.  She is the reason I'm alive today - physically, emotionally and spiritually.  Not only did she change my life on August 26, 1993; but she has saved my life more than once.  She is my strength, my laughter, my support, and the light in my heart.  I couldn't survive without her in my life.  I am the luckiest Mom in the world to have the relationship I have with my daughter.  We are able to talk about everything, have fun every time we're together, and when we fight, we fight like adults.  We love each other, forgive each other, and are always there for each other.  I couldn't be more proud of Sami -- watch the big screen you 're going to see her name there soon.  Dragoste' Tu, Be'be

Kathy and Chuck Stout 
My Mom and Daddy.  The people responsible for bringing me into this world.. feel free to blame them. :D  My parents are incredible. They are loving, open minded, and supportive of everything their kids and grandchildren want and need.  My parents are always there for us no matter what we need and have shown me what it's really like to have an open mind and open heart.  THANK YOU for showing me how to be a truly good person.  I love you both!

Dawn Tarase 
My OLDER sister... sorry it had to be done.  My sister, Dawn is amazing.  She's smart, funny, loving, supportive and a wonderful mother.  She's an excellent sister and a fantastic daughter.  She's the worlds best niece, and an incredible Aunt.  We didn't get along so well when we were younger, that was my fault -- I was difficult and damn near impossible to love (some things never change).  I'm SO thankful that we have the relationship we have now.  Even through we don't talk as often as we probably should, and we don't see each other much -- we are not just sisters; we are friends as well.  She opens her house (and her kitchen) every year for Sami and I to come over on the holidays (and just about any other time we feel the need to visit) and never complains about our obnoxiousness.  Then again, she's can get pretty rowdy herself.  Dawn -- thank you for putting up with your bratty little sister.  Love you Bunches!

Haley and Tyler Tarase 
Haley and Tyler -- my niece and nephew.  WOW .. what can I say about them (that won't be held against me -- hahaha).  They are great kids.  Haley is an incredibly accomplished dancer as well as a cheerleader and a dance instructor.  Tyler is an amazing father to his little boy and a great brother, son, and nephew.  I love these two so much, and I always look forward to the time I get to spend with them.  BIG things are in store for these two.

Debbie Deeb 
The worlds most amazing Aunt.  Aunt Debbie is one of the most incredible people I know.  She's loving (my family has a history of being pretty spectacular people), supportive, and caring.  She's a nurse and changes lives on a daily basis.  She's always there for me, my sister, and the kids -- as well as my Mom and Dad whenever we need anything.  She opens her heart and her home for us to visit- even if it's not as often as I'd like.  The world wouldn't be what it is without her in it.  SHE is a game changer, every day.  Thank you, Aunt Debbie for your bravery, love, kindness and just being you.  

Pat Loney 
My Uncle Pat.  I don't see him often, but I think about him all the time.  He's an Inspiration to me, and to many other people.  He's the one who taught me that it's alright to poke fun at yourself; especially when you're different from the "normals".  He's shown me that even though you may have physical limitations, that doesn't mean you have limitations in life.  Hands down..he's the reason I'm able to be so upbeat about things at times.  THANK YOU for helping me understand that different is better than blending in.

Chester Edward Kiluk Jr. 
Aside from Sami, Chester is my best friend in the whole world.  He knows things about me that very few people know, and most likely knows me better than anyone on the planet (Sami excluded).  I can talk to him about anything, anytime for as long as I need to.  He will be open, honest, and tell me what I need to hear - whether I like it or not.  I miss him terribly but I know I'll see him soon.  So Thankful to have this incredible, smart, loving man in my life.  What did I do to deserve it?  <3 You Chester.

Fatboy, Carley and Buttons (Resting Peacefully) 
My cats and the reason I'm a crazy cat lady.  The best psychologists on the planet, living diaries (I'm SO glad they can't talk to anyone but me) and the best purrboxes ever.  <3 <3

My Family 
My endless list of Aunts, Uncles, and Cousins that I don't get to see often.  I love you all and I miss you so much.  I think a Family Reunion is in order ASAP!  <3

My Friends 
I have amazing friends.  Bonnie, Geremy, Dave, J.D., Terry, Becky, Shari, Kate, Kathy, Michael, Mary, Christa .. the list goes on and on.  I'm here for them as much as they are for me....and I love each and every of them so very much.  <3 <3  THANK YOU for being in my life and allowing me to be in yours.

My Doctor and Medical Staff 
What can I say -- they keep me alive, and I don't make it easy on them.  They are the best, the brightest, and the most talented group of people in the Universe.  I'm so lucky and so VERY thankful that I have them to keep me on track.

Medical Technology and Research 
Medical advances and research of living things (including myself) is the sole reason I'm alive.  Many of the treatments, surgeries, and medications I've had and still go through are experimental  and if it wasn't for the chance to participate in Medical Research -- I wouldn't be here.  Keep up the good fight.

My Boss and my EY Family 
I have a great boss and an amazing family at my job.  I love my job, the people I work with, and the amazing values the Firm stands for.  If it wasn't for the ability to be flexible, I probably wouldn't be working.  I can't thank them enough for their love and support.

MY second family.  The loving and amazing men and women that allow me to haunt the halls of Bloodview with them each year.  I've never been in company of such incredibly talented people - from the costumes, to the makeup straight to the acting -- it's a place like no other.  They have taught me so much and I'm so thankful that they've accepted me into their hearts and family.  I am Legion for we are many.  I LOVE YOU GUYS SO MUCH!

My Life 
"I'm alive, and well".  And some days that's all I can ask for.  I'm awake, out of bed, and able to experience life.  I COULD NOT BE MORE THANKFUL.

My Inspiration 
My fellow Warriors, the kids in the cancer wards, the people at dialysis, my counsellees. The reason I live the life I do, trying to help others and Inspire them to live a happier life.  Remember that YOU are the reason.  And you know it.  

My Gift and Opportunity to Inspire 
I'm so very thankful and blessed to be able to be a successful public speaker, a informal counselor, and an Inspiration to others.  I'm so lucky to be able to share my experiences and thoughts with other people in hopes that they realize they are not alone and that there is HELP out there for them.

You, my readers, the ones that read my seemingly endless blogs and let me do what I do best - write.  I love each of you and am so thankful you take the time out of your day to read my stuff.  <3