A Broken Bowl is Never Completely Fixed

Ok, beloved reader, we’re going to do a little experiment today.  Find a bowl (glass, china, or porcelain) and examine it closely; feel the weight of it in your hands.   Imagine the uses of your bowl – ice cream, soup, cereal, chips, even fruit and vegetables.  Now, launch that bowl across the room and into the wall – hard.  (WAIT.. DON’T’ ACTUALLY DO THAT…. Ugh ..well, we’ll continue either way).  For those of you who didn’t actually throw the bowl into the wall, we’re going to use our imagination.  For the rest of you – good job at committing to the process!   Let’s continue.   What happened to your bowl?   It broke into eighty seven gazillion pieces and is likely all over the floor to be stepped on by whomever walks by. 

So, you spend the next several days, weeks or months gathering as many of the pieces of your bowl you can find.  Just when you think you’ve found all the pieces, you look behind the bookcase and find more.  You know that you’ll never actually find every little shard but you know if you have enough of them you can start trying to put your bowl back together. 

The next several years, when you have the spare energy and time, are spent attempting to glue the pieces back together.  You slip, slice open a wound (usually the same one over and over) and spend time trying to heal.  You lose pieces.  You drop pieces and they break even smaller.  Pieces stop fitting together perfectly.   Some pieces are missing all together.   When you finally finish (or you’re as close to finished as you’re ever going to be), you have something that at least resembles the bowl with which you started.

The ‘new’ bowl is made of the same material, it’s about the same size and weight, but it can never be used in the same way it was before.   You can still use it for things like chips, dry fruit, vegetables and the like.  But you can forget about ice cream, soup, or cereal; with all the cracks and missing pieces anything less solid is going to slide right through the cracks and holes. 

Welcome to the emotional grid of the abused.   When someone is abused (physically, emotionally, or mentally) their emotional structure becomes as broken and cracked as the ill-fated bowl.   It doesn’t seem to matter how many years of work is put into fixing the breaks, sealing the cracks and becoming whole again. There will always be lasting damage.  Always.  Sometimes we (yes, I am included in this group) do a really superb job at hiding our damage, and other times it’s so overwhelming we can barely function.  

I’ll let you in on a little secret, dearest reader, I’m a survivor of abuse.  My second husband was emotionally and mentally (and towards the end, physically) abusive towards me. He mentally and emotionally abused my daughter.   We finally got out, we survived, but we’ll never really be the same. 

The way he treated me, the little actions he used to control and manipulate me, stay with me to this very day.   If he didn’t like something (a type of music, a tv show, a specific food, etc) I didn’t have it in my life.   I refused to provide any ammunition that would trigger him into anger; that anger turned into a verbal or emotional assault…and sometimes violence.   I walked on egg shells and bent over backwards to ensure he was always happy and got what he wanted.  I didn’t want his disapproval blossoming on my body in small blue and green flowers.   Moreover, I didn’t want to be told ONE MORE TIME how stupid, worthless, annoying, helpless or ugly I was.   There were times (sometimes weeks at a time) that I would pray he would just ignore me, pretend I wasn’t there instead of showing any kind of interest in me; because I knew eventually I would do something to trigger him into anger.     I refused to ask for anything I wanted, agreed with absolutely everything he said or suggested, and usually completely avoided eye contact.

You know me, beloved reader, I’m always completely honest with you. So I’ll tell you this.  I’m still (more than 8 years later) prone to these behaviors.  If I know someone doesn’t like something, or they show ANY indication that they aren’t interested – I won’t bring it up a second time.  If I ask someone to do something and they say no; I accept it and move on. I’m scared to death to make a choice or a decision and have someone else unhappy with the results.  Even if it’s something I really want to do.  I’ve learned (technically I was ‘trained’) not to outright ask for something.  I’d put something out as a suggestion; “this sounds good” …but I wouldn’t actually say I WANTED to do it.  Any decision was an automatic NO if I wanted to do it; but if it was his idea then I could do it.   Screwed up? Yes.   Reality?  Absolutely and that line of thinking still impacts me to this day.  It is still a daily struggle.  

There’s a quote / meme going around the Facebook (though I do believe it started on Tumblr) world that states it so perfectly that I was literally stopped in my tracks when I first read it.  It’s more accurate than anything I can state myself:

“Being abused can seriously affect your ability to distinguish between “obviously not pleased” and “obviously displeased” because abusers can go from Neutral to Hostile for absolutely no discernable reason, and eventually you start worrying (or in my case expecting) everyone is going to be like that and you start feeling this urge to make absolutely sure that the people you actually care about are not mad or upset, because to you “there’s no evidence that they are not angry is the same as “there’s evidence that they are angry”.

One more time for the kids in the back:  “THERE IS NO EVIDENCE THAT THEY ARE NOT ANGRY IS THE SAME AS THERE IS EVIDENCE THAT THEY ARE ANGRY”.    Let that sink in for a moment.  In the mind of the abused, if you don’t show that you are HAPPY than you are obviously PISSED OFF.   We know, logically, that the statement is not a reality. But seriously…when have you known emotions and self-protective reaction to be logical? 

So, that’s pretty much where I am right now, trying to balance an emotionally healthy relationship (and the happiest I’ve been in a relationship since my very first “love” all those years ago in Brook Park) and my emotionally unbalanced abusive past.  It’s a terrifying feeling; wondering when you’re going to do that ONE thing that flips the switch.  Even when, intellectually, you know that switch doesn’t exist. 

I’m working on it, I’m trying to come up with healthier ways of thinking and behaving.   When I find them, you know you’ll be the first I tell.

In the meantime, just keep loving me for the broken bowl I am.  <3  

Escaping the Comfort Zone

The Comfort Zone.   It’s technically defined as: a place or situation where one feels safe or at ease; and we all have one.  I hadn’t realized until very recently how much I lived in my little comfort zone.  It’s a place I created due to some serious pre-conditioning by my ex-husband (and yes, I’ll share this information with you in a bit).   But alas, it is incredibly important to realize that you can’t evolve, improve, and grow as a person until you LEAVE the comfort zone.  And kittens, that scares the living-dead daylights out of me. 

 There are quite a few aspects of my life that I live in my comfort zone; I suppose you could call them habits.  They are actions (or in most cases, lack of actions) that I take to protect myself from a response that likely won’t occur.   You see, dearest reader, I was taught (and I use that term in a very abstract manner) that certain actions would cause my now ex-husband to lose his cool and in turn, take his frustrations out on me.  Showing ANY kind of weakness or emotion was one of those things.  As was arguing (technically it wasn’t arguing, it was me making a suggestion that wasn’t what he was thinking) over where to go for dinner. Or wanting to watch the game.  Or not watch the game.  The list unfortunately goes on and on and on.   The main issue I’m having now is realizing and understanding that the things I like and want are NOT bad, and the people in my life will NOT respond in the same fashion if I voice my opinion, ask for something, or simply not agree with everything they say. 

I’ve honed these little habits over the years, to the point that if I already know someone isn’t interested in something (like sports, my particular choice of music, a specific genre of movie, etc.) I won’t even suggest what I want to do as an option.  In my head, I think to myself “you know they don’t like it… what makes you think it’s acceptable to ask for it?”   I know what you’re thinking: “it’s a give and take situation, in a healthy relationship you’ll each do things the other wants to do.”   And, logically, I realize that truth; but there’s this trigger in my brain that goes off.  And that trigger tells me that if I ask for what I want, I will pay for it in some fashion.  

I have two major comfort zones that I’m currently trying to escape.  The first, we talked about above - the refusal to ask for something I want (no matter how badly I want it); especially when I know that someone may not particularly want to participate.  

The second ties rather nicely into the first issue.  It’s “reminding” someone of something I want to do.   In my broken little mind (shush, I like the term) if I mention it more than once, it becomes “nagging” and will end up badly. Again, this is directly related my previous relationship and how he would react when I said something more than once (regardless the timing.  It could actually be months later).  ‘Yes, I remember, now shut up about it already” is one of the kinder ways he’s responded.  So, I mention something once, and let it go.  This is particularly difficult in my current situation because I don’t have my own means of transportation.  If I need or want to do something, go somewhere, etc., I either have to rely on someone else to take me (have I mentioned that I have the world’s most amazing cousin???) or borrow a car (two shout-outs to Vicki . .I’d be nowhere – literally – without you).   I absolutely don’t expect other people to remember all the things I want to do, places I want to go, things I want to buy, etc.   On the flip side, I can’t seem to bring myself to mention it again out of fear of what might happen. 

So that’s where I am right now; facing a door to the OTHER SIDE of the comfort zone.  Looking for the key to unlock it, and the courage to walk through.  

There’s a lot of Fear here

We call it a comfort zone for a reason…we feel safe here.  We know what’s going on, what to expect, and how things will happen.  When we step through that door into the unknown… it’s downright frightening.   Fear of the unknown is what holds us back the most, regardless of what we’re chasing.  

The key is when you trust and care for the people in your life, then you know that regardless of what you ask for, how often you say something, or even if you disagree with something they say nothing terrible is going to happen. Sure we’ll have disagreements or even arguments with the people we love.   That’s shouldn’t stop us from speaking up; even if we are afraid.  We can find our safe zones in a lot of different places, and usually it’s with the right people. 

Small Steps

There is no way stepping out of your comfort zone is going to happen overnight. It’s a long, sometimes painful, process of very small steps.  We can’t just jump into the deep end of the pool, without knowing how to swim, and expect to survive.   As enticing as that sounds (and as much as I expect that out of myself) it’s simply not realistic. 

So, we have to take small, stable steps.  Create a series of small goals that will ultimately result in leaving the Comfort Zone behind and stepping into a new future of adventure and peace.  I know it sounds cheesy and unattainable, but it’s so very true. Reaching small goals (and being able to say “Yes, I accomplished that!”) is what helps us move forward.  These accomplishments give us the drive and courage to keep going.   Personally, I’m a list person (those of you who know me know EXACTLY what I’m talking about.  There’s a written list for everything).   When I do something, I cross it off the list; that way I can visually see my progress and those accomplishments are what keep me going. 

A quick word about goals (whether they are small or large and regardless of what they are for).  Make them SMART.  Specific.  Measureable.  Attainable.  Realistic.  Time-driven.   There’s a WHOLE blog that needs to go around that concept... but for now, just keep those things in mind.  Otherwise your goals are just random dreams with no plan. 

So take some time out (especially from the things you are doing to avoid getting out of your comfort zone) and set your small goals.   You can even set your large goal, and work backwards into the smaller ones.  Whatever works for you.  Just keep moving forward and reach out for support when you need it. 

Communication

Oh…no.  Not Communication.   This is likely the most daunting of tasks for most of us; even under the best of circumstances.  Talking to others about what’s going on in our heads and with our emotions can be scary; especially when we don’t know how they are going to respond.   However difficult, communication is essential to ensuring you get the love and support you need to step out, and stay out, of your comfort zone. 

Take the time to talk to a trusted friend, relative, or loved one; and be prepared.  It’s going to be a deep conversation.  In concept (I say this, because it’s not as easy as I make it sound…even for me) you need to explain WHERE your comfort zone is, why you’re there, and why it’s important for you to move out and forward.  You can likely expect some really strong emotions during this conversation and potentially some tears.  This is not a bad thing.  Just let it happen and talk it out.  The loved ones in your life will want to understand and help you; but you have to let them.   

Trust

Trust is a tough word, because we’ve all been in a place where our trust was misplaced and it hurt.  Things were held against us, someone shared our information with someone else, we were made fun or – or worse – were told what we are feeling/doing/experiencing is wrong.  It sucks and it causes damage and makes it harder and harder to trust someone.  Even ourselves. Trust is essential to growing as a person; so strap in, it’s going to be a bumpy ride.  

Trust your loved ones not to hold things against you.  Trust YOURSELF.  Trust that talking about things, working through them and being uncomfortable at times will work.  When all else fails, take a step back and...talk about it. 

Communication

Nope, this is not a typo; I put communication on here twice.  There are two different sets of communication that should be happening for you.   The first is that initial conversation with your friends/loved ones regarding finding your way out of the comfort zone. 

The next level is even MORE communication.   This particular self-improvement process is different than many of the others ones we’ve discussed because in a lot of cases, it effects other people.  You already know my story, so you can see how it would impact the people in my life.  As I continue to work through my current issues, I’ve been told (several times) “you just need to talk to me about it.”   I’m trying (it’s HARD, dang it) and it’s helping.  Communication is they key (heck, it’s the key to a lot of things) to getting you outside of your comfort zone; because with the right people, that communication is going to take you further than anything else.  When you have the right people in your life and they understand what you’re going through, they help.  They don’t make it worse, they don’t hold it against you, and they certainly don’t make fun of you.   In fact, they may actually give you some good advice, they will let you cry (or they will cry with you) and they will make you smile. 

Eventually, dear reader, you will find yourself walking out of the comfort zone.  You’ll find yourself growing, learning, and being happier with life.   So, take a deep breath, approach that door, and get started on the lock.  Trust me, it’ll be worth the work.

 And above all, be kind to yourself and others. 

The Plight of the People Pleaser

Before we get started, beloved reader, I know... I know.  It’s been forever; but to be entirely honest with you (something I always strive to be) I haven’t been in the proper frame of mind for blogging. To me, my blog should be about inspiration, education, and entertainment.  I haven’t been feeling any of those lately – thus the lack of noise from this site.   My outlook really hasn't changed much, but I thought maybe writing will change my mindset; or at least the things I write about will help change YOUR life. Alright, onto the good stuff.  

Hi, my name is Trinity, and I’m a People Pleaser.   Admit it, you did the “Hi Trinity” thing in your head; cookies are available in the back of the room.  Looking back, I realize I've been a People Pleasure all of my adult life; potentially starting in High School.  I won’t blame any specific event or person for this behavioral pattern, it was simply something I have become.   I am, in no way, saying that being a People Pleaser is a bad thing; it does, however, have the potential to be overwhelming a bit detrimental to someone if they don’t keep an eye on the situation. 

People Pleasers face unique challenges to their own happiness if they aren't cautious about what’s happening around them.  I, personally, have found myself struggling with all of the challenges listed here to varying degrees, which has landed me in my little unhappy slice of paradise.  

Lack of Balance

People Pleasers (I so desperately want to call them PPs ..but I just can’t bring myself to do it!) can get so wrapped up in ensuring the happiness of others in their lives that they lose balance.  No, I don’t mean they fall to the ground unexpectedly, although that’s been known to happen to me from time to time J.   We (yes, I’m including myself since I am already identified as a Pleaser) lose a sense of balance in our lives. We live to please and serve others, and forget that making ourselves happy is just as important.  This lack of balance leads to a lot of different things (see the next few points) including finding ourselves with little “alone” time, or zero time to do simple things in life, like laundry or house cleaning.   We find our schedules filled with “go here, do this”; and – at least in my personal experience – less than 10% of the things on the schedule are there because I want to do it for myself.   I know I’m not the only Pleaser that experiences this lack of balance; but I’ll be honest with you - I have no idea yet how to fix it. 

Busy, Busy Days

Who says there are only 24 hours in a day?  When you’re a Pleaser – you’re on the go constantly; making sure that everything is addressed; you often find a sense of time-warping.  If only there were a TARDIS and a sexy-smart Doctor to help us along!!   We find ourselves eating off the kitchen counter before bed, simply because there wasn't enough time to cook the dinner we had planned.  We find laundry piled up in the bedroom because there’s no way we can do laundry at 3am and still function the next day.  We have a ‘to be watched’ list in our DVR players dozens of lines long because we don’t have a day ‘off’ to just sit around and watch TV.   Of course, (at least in my case) this all explains why my house usually looks like a war zone.  And stresses me out to no end. 

Time for “Me”

Me time...I think I remember seeing that on a Lifetime Movie preview once; heheh.  The Me Time concept ties very nicely to the Busy, Busy Days.  From my personal perspective, I have not had a full day to myself (without work or other obligations) in over three months. No, I’m not exaggerating.  The opportunity simply does not present itself.  Not that I haven’t had wonderful times with people I care for, or days full of fun and laughter.  But we all need time to ourselves to stop from losing who we are.   There are several “reasons” for this that I will not elaborate on; but on top of the list is simple.  I feel an overwhelming sense of obligation when someone asks me to do something.  Saying No isn’t always an option or an ultimate outcome for a Pleaser.   We can’t stand disappointing someone simply because we want to have some time to ourselves; we do not see that as an acceptable reason.   Moreover, the more we try to please others, the harder it becomes to say no - -simply because they know we’ll give in if they ask enough.   

What would I do with me time?  OH THE LIST!!!   I won’t bore you with it, but know that it’s extensive and full of average, everyday things.   Things I simply haven’t had the chance to do, and it’s my “dream day” if I ever have one. 

Lack of Personal Joy

I've been avoiding this particular point for a while now; not just from a writing perspective, but from a personal perspective.  Pleasers rarely have an opportunity to experience their own, personal, joy. We gain joy from ensuring the people in our lives are happy; and we often do that to our own detriment. Don’t get me wrong – we have fun, we laugh, we love and we enjoy things.  However, the things we would do to make ourselves happy are not the things that would make the people in our lives happy (at least not at the time we need them) so we put them aside, and hope to get to them at another time.   The issue becomes when the time runs out, the Pleaser finds himself in a sad and sometimes empty place; and it’s a well that’s difficult to dig out of at times.

So, where do we go from here?   I’m not quite sure myself, lovely reader.  I know I’ve identified part of my unhappiness, but I’m not quite sure the resolution at this time… though I would love to hear your thoughts on it.   If you have a Pleaser in your life (they will usually not come right out and identify themselves as one, so watch for the patterns we discussed) talk to them about it (if they are open to that!).  Maybe together you can find a solution that makes everyone happy.

Remember, joy is a wonderful thing to behold…and worth pursuing. 

Much love to each of you

Xo

Trinity

Co-Existence and the Crush

Yeap, time for another "way too much information" personal blog from your favorite writer. I have this list .. that keeps getting longer .. of blogs that I should be focusing on. Unfortunately when I have the motivation to focus on it and write something I don't have the time. And when I have the time to blog, I don't have the motivation to write about the stuff that's on the list. But alas, Kittens, don't worry eventually I'll get to it all.

Right now, I'm struggling with motivation in general, not wanting to do anything incredibly productive. I have a to-do list that feels like it's about 12 miles long, both at work and at home. When I find myself un-motivated, my twisted, terrible mind starts to wander all over the place. What am I going to focus on for Bloodview this season? Why is my house such a wreck; and why haven't the cleaning fairies shown up to help out? How in the world am I ever going to fit everything into my schedule so that the people in my life stay happy and healthy? Am I EVER going to find a solid, healthy relationship? The list, like my to-do list, goes on and on.

Ahhh yes, the relationship thing again. Of course, we all know I SUCK when it comes to relationships (or at least this is the general consensus - -and I'm not sure I can properly argue against it). This isn't really news to anyone. My mind (and what's left of the cool place in my chest where my heart is supposed to be) have a very different view of relationships than most people do. I need to be able to happily co-exist with someone. Not get married. Not settle down and have a white picket fence, and a golden retriever. I need to co-exist with someone. This doesn't mean we have to spend every single conscious second together, nor does it mean I have to even speak to them every day -- text is fine for me most of the time. Co-existing with someone means being there for each other, but not having to be in each other's space all the time. It means texting daily, but not hourly. It means having the patience to wait for a response if a call or text goes unanswered. It means understanding that we each have a life, separate from that of our relationship and that we won't always have time for each other. Co-existing means we are as happy individually as we are together. It means we live for life, not for each other. It also means that we care enough about each other, and ourselves, that if for some reason it doesn't work out; that although we will be hurting - neither of us will face a life of turmoil or self-imposed torture.

Co-existing means curling up together in the same room (either next to each other or not - depending on what we are doing) and sometimes doing our own thing. Maybe I'm reading and my partner is working on a project. Sometimes it means we are watching a movie together, or reading the same magazine. It's being emotionally invested in each other, in our selves, and in us as a couple. Morever, co-existing means understanding each other's needs and wants; or lack of wants, as some cases may be.

So, this leads me to the Crush part... yeah I have one. It's the same one I've had on and off for nearly 5 years now, though I suppose if I'm honest with myself it's never really gone away. I know for quite a while he was seeing someone; so there was no way I was going to pursue anything. I have no idea of the relationship was serious or not; but that doesn't really matter. When someone is spoken for, they are spoken for... end of story. Anyways, this .. crush .. is no longer in a relationship; as I found out this week. OK well, it seems he's not ... though I could have misunderstood our conversation. I'll admit I didn't ask outright, but the conversation didn't head in that direction so without a sudden and complete change of direction; it wasn't going to get asked.

I can't help but wonder if you're thinking "so why didn't you just ask him out?" or something along those lines. The answer is a relatively simple one, though you might not completely understand it. I don't want to be the one to make the first move. I don't want to be that girl that asks a good friend out (we've been pretty close for the past 5 years or so) who isn't interested in her romantically and potentially messes up a good friendship. I also don't want to be the aggressor for ONCE in my life.... I just want to know if he's interested. And if he is, then I want him to be man enough about it to approach me. I'm by no far a damsel in distress; most anyone can tell you that. I do, however, prefer a guy that can be the dominant one (in any way you care to take that) and knows what he wants.

Yes, I'm babbling, probably not making much sense, and most likely whining a bit. Give me a break, I've had a really long week. :)

Well, all that being said, I suppose there's not much lesson to be taught here. Just the ramblings of a warped mind and twisted sense of self worth. lol. Though I learned to be truly happy you have to know what you want ... and wait for it. So, perhaps you'll do a bit of self reflection to find out what parts of your life you're not happy with and make a break for the happy place?

Be at peace with yourself, and you'll be at peace with the world

Deep Secret

It's funny how some things just sneak up on you. It's even stranger when those things spark a whole line of thought, and the next thing you know you're knee deep in self reflection and putting puzzle pieces together you didn't even know weren't connected. That's exactly what happened to me today -- this morning if you want to get specific about it.

I was going through some things in my desk today, looking for something specific. What I found, instead, was as stack of cards (the kinds you get with flowers) -- and boy did it make me smile. It took me back a few years when somebody used to send flowers to me at work on a regular basis; with cute little messages and reminders about seeing one another again. Then I ran across a couple of them with 10/13/2012 written on them and realized how quickly things can change. One person, one event, and everything changes. I don't know if it was for the better or worse... but change it did; and there really isn't anything I can do about that.

That's what started my unscheduled self reflection today. And boy, was it intense. It started with me wondering why things changed (I really try to learn not to ask "why"; mostly because it doesn't really help anything), reflecting on how different things are, and then - eventually - trying to figure out what I like and don't like now compared to then.

Surprisingly enough, there aren't that many differences between now and then, with the exception that with the years of experienced I have gained since then - there are more things I don't like now. These include personality traits, values, and just plan "being with someone" type of things.

And this, my devoted and well-loved reader is where the deep secret comes in. I'm sharing it with you with the thought that maybe you can look inside yourself and find that one thing that triggers you to realize something significant about yourself. Like I did today.

Alright, onto this "giant secret" ... it's really not that big. Sorry to get your hopes up, kittens. Anyways I was thinking today about a great many things and I realized -- I really don't mind sleeping alone. I quite prefer it actually, I'm not a huge fan of sharing my bed with anyone other than my cat -- the snuggling while you're asleep thing isn't made for someone with an above average body temperature (and personal space issues). That doesn't mean I don't like cuddling with the right person; just not when I'm trying to sleep. What I DO miss a whole lot is showering with someone.

The Shower Thing -- sounds kind of lame, but let me explain before you start judging me. (I know, you're my devoted fan base -- you don't judge me and I love you for it). When I say I miss showering with someone I'm not talking about the "let's take a shower and have fun in the water" kind of shower (although I'm a big fan of those as well). I also don't mean.. 'we have 10 minutes to get out the door...quick double shower to save time". What I mean is actually giving someone a shower. Getting into the shower with someone, washing their hair, their body, rinsing them off, drying them, and helping them get dressed. I absolutely 100% LOVE doing this for someone I deeply love.

To me, there is no better way to show someone how much you love them than to serve and take care of them. It makes them feel special and giving someone The Shower is my way of doing that. I'll be the first to admit that I've had my share of relationships (no, you don't get to know the number of them I've had :p); but I can literally count on one hand how many people I've done The Shower thing for. When I started thinking about it, I realized that neither of my ex-husbands are on that list. That's when it hit me (like a ton of bricks)... this shower thing I do is my way of telling ME that someone means more to me than I realize. Sometimes you can love someone (or think you do) but not at the level you expect. And sometimes, when you think back, you realize how much you really did love someone.

So that revelation had me thinking... these little "crushes" I get on people (sometimes I swear I'm just a high school student in an adult body); how many of them would I treat with The Shower? How many of the people that have received a shower in the past get them again (stuff happens that changes your soul whether you like it or not)? I've realized today, that THE SHOWER is my way of gauging my feelings (or potential) feelings for someone. And yes, dearest follower, I will answer the questions for you - as I know some of you are such curious kittens.

How many of my recent/current "crushes" would get this shower; presuming they showed the interest in me that I have in them? 1 (and trust me when I tell you that the answer of whom surprised the SHIT out of me). Now this is not to say that the number wouldn't change if I started to more deeply explore a relationship with someone on that crush list. It's just my way of exploring my current feelings for someone. Sort of that lust versus more than lust thing.

How many of the people who have gotten this treat in the past would get it again? Out of the five ... 1. As sad as that makes me, it doesn't change the fact that the answer is the truth. Like I said previously - things happen, people change, and sometimes no matter how much you love (or loved) someone, you can't go back to the way things were. The answer to this question didn't surprise me nearly as much as the first one did. I was rather expecting it as an answer.

So, there you have it. My big revelation of the day -- the fact that finding someone to share that Shower with is much more important to me than having someone lay in my bed at night. At the end of the day; there is so much more to life than lust.

Self Awareness ... Self Loathing?

So, I'm putting aside my list of blog requests one more time to post something a bit more personal to me. The last few days I've been feeling really down on myself. Just kinda "blah" ... not myself. Lower than usual self esteem, can't seem to find my inner smile, something just ... off. So when I woke up this morning (after a really interesting dream) I did a longer than usual meditation session ... hoping to figure out why I'm in this funk. Unfortunately, I found it.

Usually when I have a self discovery I'm pretty happy about it. Even when it's a discovery that's not completely positive. If we can't look within ourselves and find the areas of improvement we need most, we can never aspire to improve ourselves. However, sometimes those self revelations are painful; and sometimes the truth you find isn't even yours to change.

So, you may be asking yourself "what is this self discovery"? Then again, you might not be asking that -- but since this is my site, I'm going to tell you anyways. If you don't want to know, I highly suggest you stop reading now. :)

So here it is .. and it's not pretty. I've realized that sometime in the past year or so (could be more than that.. maybe a little less) that I've become a "dirty little secret" to a whole lot of people. It seems like everywhere I turn, I'm being asked to hide a major part of myself to make others happy. I'm constantly facing one (or several) of the following scenarios:

"I really want to go out with you, but I don't wanna tell a lot of people, it's really none of their business" (seriously ... who are you hiding me from)?

"I'd love for you to be in my wedding, but you'll have to figure out a way to hide all those tattoos.. my mother-in-law will never understand why you do that to yourself" (cause it's how I express myself, and I'm here to make you happy - -not your mother-in-law)

"My (xx = insert a friend or relative here) can't wait to finally meet you. But don't talk about the fact that you're Wiccan ... they will have a fit" (So, I'm supposed to lie about what I believe in if they ask me directly?)

"(xx) says you're really cool and can't wait to hang out with you again.. but next time don't talk about your work at the haunted house, it creeps them out." (so if they ask me how the "scaring people" is going .. how am I supposed to respond?)

"When you meet (xx) don't flirt with other girls and don't mention your bi. They aren't comfortable with it, and it will make things harder for me" (OK . . A I don't announce it during my introduction. B .. why can't I flirt with whom I want to? Just because it's easier for you?)

"At next week's party don't talk about your cancer. (xx) gets really upset when it's brought up." (So if someone asks me about it, I'm just supposed to say "Oh it's nothing really"?)

"You're really pretty and I'd love to take you out sometime.. just make sure my girlfriend doesn't find out" (umm... just umm)

Don't mention your sexuality, don't mention your alternate lifestyle, don't mention your illness, don't mention you're divorced, don't mention your passion for haunting, don't mention your spirituality, don't mention the fact that you counsel people. All of these things say the same thing to me... "Whatever you do DO NOT BE YOURSELF'.

Now, let me set a couple things straight while I have the opportunity. Most aspects of my life I don't talk "openly" about... like being bi or even my spirituality. I usually side-step a conversation if I know it will be controversial and I'm with people I don't know that well. I realize not everyone is comfortable with certain topics, so it's not like I intentionally start conversations about things. But if someone asks me about my illness, I'm going to talk about it. Same thing with other things that I'm passionate about. I will certainly not lie to people if I'm asked a direct question.

However, when people in my life continually point out things about me that I'm supposed to hide or I hear comments like the following it really starts to wear on me:

"I wish I could tell (xx) about the time you taught me this. But every time I mention you they get upset" (that makes me feel wonderful...the fact that you won't even bring me up in casual conversation with someone)

"Sometimes I catch myself starting to tell (xx) about you and I stop because of (insert lame excuse about such-and-such not liking me or something I do)." So, since they don't like a certain aspect of my life you can't tell them about me at all?

"Someone asked me why I've been so level-headed lately. I was going to tell them about our counselling session and how you showed me how to meditate, but they would think it's stupid, so I just said I was happier about stuff". Embarrassed about me?

I feel like I'm being stuffed into a closet and labeled "not worth the effort of explaining to others" or, more simply "freak who must stay hidden".

So, in a nutshell, I'm OK to hang out with on a one-on-one basis; and even alright in small group settings. However, when it comes to being more in anyone's life it seems to be out of the question. I'm the "dirty little secret" ....because they aren't comfortable enough with me to stand up to the people in their lives so I'm trapped in a cage pretending to be someone less than I am.

Now, where does this leave us, dearest reader? I really don't know. There's nothing I can do to change the thoughts and behaviors of others; so I can only focus on myself in this situation. I've spent a lot of time in meditation and self awareness to be happy and comfortable with who I am. I will not change to make others more comfortable with who I am; because then I wouldn't be true to myself. What I need is to find the path that takes me to a place where the statements I've discussed with you don't bother me. A place where I'm secure enough with myself that when others want to push me into that closet, I can rest comfortably there. A place where being everyone's "second" is OK .. because I know I am my first.

So, I guess that's it then. That's where I am right now, little kittens. As always, thank you for taking the time to read this, and learn more about me. Hopefully my little ramblings give you the change to look inside yourself and find a way to make the world a better place.

Be at peace with yourself and you'll be at peace with the world.

You Always Have A Choice

Hello there, beloved reader. I realized earlier today that it's been too long since I've posted something...and then sat here for a while staring at the blank screen. Usually I have about a million things I can write about; but today there was very little. Not that I'm uninspired, just that I don't know what to say about things.

There have been a whole lot of changes in my life recently. Some good, others bad. Some that have hurt me a lot (even though some people seem to think differently) and others that have made me smile more than I have since 2006. Some that have inspired me to be more helpful towards others, and events that have made me want to completely walk away from people I never thought I'd turn my back on. That's a whole lot of stuff -- and I'm sure I'd bore you to tears if I wrote about all of it.

Then I realized something pretty spectacular. Everything that has happened in the past couple of months - the good, the bad, the happy, the sad, the beautiful, and the ugly; have all happened because of a CHOICE. Sometimes it's not my choice but the choice of someone else. That forces me into a choice for a variety of reasons. Sometimes it's me being faced with two choices; neither of which I like... but there is still a choice to be made.

It reminds me of a movie I once saw with Michelle Pfeiffer - Dangerous Minds. During the movie she says something along the lines of "You have a choice! It may not be a choice you like, but it's still a choice". Even when I first saw that movie so many year ago, that line has stuck with me. We are surrounded by choices, and it's the choices we make that determine our path.

Let me give you a couple of examples. I was recently faced with the very difficult decision of ending a friendship with someone I cared deeply for. It was so not a choice that I wanted to make. Neither choice presented to me was acceptable. I could maintain the friendship even though the person was involved in things I was not 100% comfortable with (nothing illegal mind you; but I have personal standards that I have compromised on in the past -- it's always come back to bite me). If I chose to maintain the friendship, I would be compromising my personal integrity; not something I was OK with. My other choice was to end the friendship and allow us to go our separate ways. This choice makes my heart hurt and my soul cry. I adored spending time with this person and in no way wanted to just walk away -- but I didn't have a choice. The person had made it very clear that they had no intention of not doing what they were doing, and therefore, I had to make the incredibly difficult decision to end a friendship. It was an devastating difficult thing for me to to; but I'm confident that it was also the right thing. Choices -- sometimes there isn't a good one to be found.

Here's another example. I was recently confronted with a major dilemma. Someone I love dearly was acting in a way that made me embarrassed to even be associated with them. It was a ridiculous situation in general filled with actions that I haven't seen since Middle School; starring grown adults. My first thought was "how in the WORLD can you choose to act like that"... and regardless of the defenses provided by those involved, it was a choice. It was a choice that made them look bad, and it also reflected very poorly on those that are closely associated with them. I won't lie -- I went home and cried for several hours over the whole thing while I tried to determine which choice I should make in the situation. You may be sitting there thinking "what kind of choice could you possibly have -- this scenario has very little to do with you directly?" And as true as that statement is, the event does reflect on me, and my reputation in a way; that in itself posed some choices that I have to make. I needed to choose to possibly end another friendship, choose to cut all ties with this person, choose to not do anything at all, etc. I lost sleep (two nights worth) making a choice and I am confident I now made the right one. I didn't like any of the choices all that much; but I couldn't seem to find any other options. However, I made a choice, with the thoughts that MY actions dictate my reputation more than the actions of anyone else. It is with my actions that I can attempt to turn around a bad situation (hopefully).

So, here's the bottom line, my adorable kittens: Your life is the way it is currently because of the choices you made. There is no way to "take back" a choice; but there is always a way to move forward from them. If you don't like a choice you have made -- think about what choices you can make to remedy the situation. Have your hurt someone, or is someone hurt because of your actions? Make the choice to talk to them about it; get their feelings on the situation - TALK to them. Are you feeling sorry for yourself and find yourself in a slump? Make the choice that you can make yourself happy and do it; it's a state of mind (yes, I know sometimes depression is a chemical imbalance - choose to seek help for it in whatever capacity you need). Are you facing a choice that you just don't know what to do with? Find a friend, a counselor, or a relative that you can trust and talk to them about it. They can't make the choice for you, but they can help you in with their advice, their experiences, and their feelings.

Remember, that when it's all said and done YOU have to live with the choices that you make. Be at peace with your choices; think them through. Choose wisely and you'll be at peace with yourself.

Much love <3

Running Out of Time

I have three blogs cued that I need to write, but I had the most intense dream last night, so I felt the overwhelming need to write this one first. I know what prompted the dream, and there's not a whole lot of interpretation to go with it, it was simply one of those dreams designed to remind me of some things.

Before we begin, a bit of background on me for those of you that might not know. I'm a very accomplished lucid dreamer -- which basically means I'm aware when I'm dreaming and can easily change the direction or events of the dream. I do this on a regular basis for a variety of reasons. There are times when my dreams are just that - dreams - and there's no reason to change them; and there are also times when I'm not lucid dreaming and the dreams take me wherever they feel like it. I'm also a very strong believer in the concept that some dreams are meant to teach us something or bring something to light that we need to reflect on. This is what last night's dream was all about, and although I knew I was dreaming, I intentionally did nothing to change the dream as I know I needed to see where it was going.

With that, let me share the dream with you; as usual I have no idea how it started, it was just there in my head suddenly.

I slip into a state of semi-consciousness, in a strange bed and realize that for some reason my eyes just can't open - worse yet I can't move anything. Before I allow the panic to seep in, I assess what I can without being able to see. The room I'm in certainly doesn't smell like home - there's no undertone of Coppertone (aka the Sun and Sand candles I use at home), or anything else that smells familiar. In fact, there's little accentuating smell at all -- mostly just clean. Well, that doesn't help.

I mentally scan my body to see if anything is different... and realize there's a stinging in my right arm, my throat is killing me, my back feels like someone used it for fencing practice, and I can't shake the feeling that there's a bulldog sitting directly over my heart. Helpful, though not really making it easier for me to calm down.

It's when I truly listened to the sounds around me that I realized what was going on. At first, everything seems muted, like I had cotton stuffed in my ears, but the more "online" my brain got, the more clear everything started to sound. I heard a whisper soft, repetitive sound off to my right. Woooosh --- whooosh. The sound was very regular and never seemed to falter in it's strength or it's timing. I hear distant voices coming and going as if they are never actually standing still; unfortunately I can't understand what they are saying, even though I can tell they are speaking English. Other various mechanical sounds are around me, mostly what seems like behind or above me... more wooshing sounds though these one not as soft as the first one I noticed; something that sounds like it's spinning, and some kind of odd pumping noise. Then, when I recognized the last set of noises I knew exactly what was going on. Beep. Beep. Beep. Shit..that's the sound of a vitals monitor -- guess who landed herself in a hospital?

I tried to remember why I could have found myself here - hooked up to the machines. The vitals monitor means there's some kind of pulse sensor on me and probably EKG electrodes. Suddenly, a whirring noise starts and my arm gets tight -- ah yes, blood pressure. Too bad the machine doesn't talk, so I could know what the readouts are. It took me a few minutes to realize the other noises...that whispersoft noise, combined with the fact that my throat felt like it was on fire -- ventilator; that's not good news. I won't get into the other mechanics.. let's just say "life support" was full on.

The voices outside suddenly moved into my room and I recognize the voices talking: Doc (my Doctor), my Mom, my Sister, Sami , some very special friends of mine. Hell it was like a reunion in there -- oh crap. They only let that many people in when it's time to say good bye -- I am not OK with this. My mind starts to go off in a million different directions covering all the things I never got to do, the people I still want to spend time with, etc. etc.

"Here's the problem" Doc says in her most compassionate voice. "She's on life support - under normal circumstances, we can keep her there indefinitely since the machines are providing her with everything she needs. But, with the blackout; the generators have a limited amount of time they can actually keep the machines going -- I give it about 3 hours. If the electricity doesn't come on before then; there won't be anything we can do."

Panic. At least on my part. It's obvious the people in the room are upset, there's soft crying, sniffling and feet shuffling. But they are being strong (they know I'd kick their tails if they weren't ;) ) It's then I realize that my clock really is ticking. 3 hours... to make sure the people in my life remember the good I've tried to do. 3 hours to ensure they know I love them. 3 hours .. to lay here in a near-unconscious state and hope to wake up enough to give them the comfort that they need.

That's when I woke up .. straight up .. wide awake and more than a little bit panicked. It took me a while to calm down and realize what I was being told. DON'T wait until it's too late to live the life you need to live. Focus on the right things now -- so that if your end does come sooner than you're expecting; your legacy is already there. Tell the people that are important in your life how much you love them.

Forgive.

Move on.

Don't hold a grudge.

Allow happiness.

Promote love.

Be at peace.

Set the right example.

Be yourself.

Share joy.

Reflect.

Improve yourself.

Never let a moment go by that the most important people in your life wonder how you feel.

I know this was 'just a dream' but it's a dream that hits very close to home for me... since it's a reality I face on a regular basis. However, it can happen to anyone -- since I have no idea what, exactly, landed me in that hospital bed. So, just remember -- we all have a limited time here; make the most of it.

I love you.