The Comfort Zone.
It’s technically defined as: a place or situation where one feels safe
or at ease; and we all have one. I
hadn’t realized until very recently how much I lived in my little comfort
zone. It’s a place I created due to some
serious pre-conditioning by my ex-husband (and yes, I’ll share this information
with you in a bit). But alas, it is
incredibly important to realize that you can’t evolve, improve, and grow as a
person until you LEAVE the comfort zone.
And kittens, that scares the living-dead daylights out of me.
There are quite a few
aspects of my life that I live in my comfort zone; I suppose you could call
them habits. They are actions (or in most
cases, lack of actions) that I take to protect myself from a response that
likely won’t occur. You see, dearest
reader, I was taught (and I use that term in a very abstract manner) that certain
actions would cause my now ex-husband to lose his cool and in turn, take his
frustrations out on me. Showing ANY kind
of weakness or emotion was one of those things.
As was arguing (technically it wasn’t arguing, it was me making a
suggestion that wasn’t what he was thinking) over where to go for dinner. Or
wanting to watch the game. Or not watch
the game. The list unfortunately goes on
and on and on. The main issue I’m
having now is realizing and understanding that the things I like and want are
NOT bad, and the people in my life will NOT respond in the same fashion if I
voice my opinion, ask for something, or simply not agree with everything they
say.
I’ve honed these little habits over the years, to the point
that if I already know someone isn’t interested in something (like sports, my
particular choice of music, a specific genre of movie, etc.) I won’t even
suggest what I want to do as an option.
In my head, I think to myself “you know they don’t like it… what makes you
think it’s acceptable to ask for it?” I know what you’re thinking: “it’s a give and
take situation, in a healthy relationship you’ll each do things the other wants
to do.” And, logically, I realize that
truth; but there’s this trigger in my brain that goes off. And that trigger tells me that if I ask for
what I want, I will pay for it in some fashion.
I have two major comfort zones that I’m currently trying to escape. The first, we talked about above - the refusal
to ask for something I want (no matter how badly I want it); especially when I
know that someone may not particularly want to participate.
The second ties rather nicely into the first issue. It’s “reminding” someone of something I want
to do. In my broken little mind (shush, I like the
term) if I mention it more than once, it becomes “nagging” and will end up
badly. Again, this is directly related my previous relationship and how he
would react when I said something more than once (regardless the timing. It could actually be months later). ‘Yes, I remember, now shut up about it
already” is one of the kinder ways he’s responded. So, I mention something once, and let it
go. This is particularly difficult in my
current situation because I don’t have my own means of transportation. If I need or want to do something, go
somewhere, etc., I either have to rely on someone else to take me (have I
mentioned that I have the world’s most amazing cousin???) or borrow a car (two
shout-outs to Vicki . .I’d be nowhere – literally – without you). I absolutely don’t expect other people to
remember all the things I want to do, places I want to go, things I want to
buy, etc. On the flip side, I can’t
seem to bring myself to mention it again out of fear of what might happen.
So that’s where I am right now; facing a door to the OTHER
SIDE of the comfort zone. Looking for
the key to unlock it, and the courage to walk through.
There’s a lot of Fear
here
We call it a comfort zone for a reason…we feel safe
here. We know what’s going on, what to
expect, and how things will happen. When
we step through that door into the unknown… it’s downright frightening. Fear of the unknown is what holds us back
the most, regardless of what we’re chasing.
The key is when you trust and care for the people in your
life, then you know that regardless of what you ask for, how often you say
something, or even if you disagree with something they say nothing terrible is
going to happen. Sure we’ll have disagreements or even arguments with the
people we love. That’s shouldn’t stop
us from speaking up; even if we are afraid.
We can find our safe zones in a lot of different places, and usually
it’s with the right people.
Small Steps
There is no way stepping out of your comfort zone is going
to happen overnight. It’s a long, sometimes painful, process of very small
steps. We can’t just jump into the deep
end of the pool, without knowing how to swim, and expect to survive. As enticing as that sounds (and as much as I
expect that out of myself) it’s simply not realistic.
So, we have to take small, stable steps. Create a series of small goals that will ultimately
result in leaving the Comfort Zone behind and stepping into a new future of
adventure and peace. I know it sounds
cheesy and unattainable, but it’s so very true. Reaching small goals (and being
able to say “Yes, I accomplished that!”) is what helps us move forward. These accomplishments give us the drive and
courage to keep going. Personally, I’m
a list person (those of you who know me know EXACTLY what I’m talking
about. There’s a written list for
everything). When I do something, I
cross it off the list; that way I can visually see my progress and those
accomplishments are what keep me going.
A quick word about goals (whether they are small or large
and regardless of what they are for).
Make them SMART. Specific. Measureable. Attainable. Realistic. Time-driven. There’s a WHOLE blog that needs to go around
that concept... but for now, just keep those things in mind. Otherwise your goals are just random dreams
with no plan.
So take some time out (especially from the things you are
doing to avoid getting out of your comfort zone) and set your small goals. You can even set your large goal, and work
backwards into the smaller ones. Whatever works for you. Just keep moving forward and reach out for
support when you need it.
Communication
Oh…no. Not
Communication. This is likely the most
daunting of tasks for most of us; even under the best of circumstances. Talking to others about what’s going on in
our heads and with our emotions can be scary; especially when we don’t know how
they are going to respond. However
difficult, communication is essential to ensuring you get the love and support
you need to step out, and stay out, of your comfort zone.
Take the time to talk to a trusted friend, relative, or
loved one; and be prepared. It’s going
to be a deep conversation. In concept (I
say this, because it’s not as easy as I make it sound…even for me) you need to
explain WHERE your comfort zone is, why you’re there, and why it’s important
for you to move out and forward. You can
likely expect some really strong emotions during this conversation and
potentially some tears. This is not a
bad thing. Just let it happen and talk
it out. The loved ones in your life will
want to understand and help you; but you have to let them.
Trust
Trust is a tough word, because we’ve all been in a place
where our trust was misplaced and it hurt.
Things were held against us, someone shared our information with someone
else, we were made fun or – or worse – were told what we are feeling/doing/experiencing
is wrong. It sucks and it causes damage
and makes it harder and harder to trust someone. Even ourselves. Trust is essential to growing
as a person; so strap in, it’s going to be a bumpy ride.
Trust your loved ones not to hold things against you. Trust YOURSELF. Trust that talking about things, working
through them and being uncomfortable at times will work. When all else fails, take a step back and...talk
about it.
Communication
Nope, this is not a typo; I put communication on here
twice. There are two different sets of
communication that should be happening for you. The first is that initial conversation with
your friends/loved ones regarding finding your way out of the comfort
zone.
The next level is even MORE communication. This particular self-improvement process is different
than many of the others ones we’ve discussed because in a lot of cases, it
effects other people. You already know
my story, so you can see how it would impact the people in my life. As I continue to work through my current
issues, I’ve been told (several times) “you just need to talk to me about it.” I’m trying (it’s HARD, dang it) and it’s
helping. Communication is they key
(heck, it’s the key to a lot of things) to getting you outside of your comfort
zone; because with the right people, that communication is going to take you
further than anything else. When you
have the right people in your life and they understand what you’re going
through, they help. They don’t make it
worse, they don’t hold it against you, and they certainly don’t make fun of you. In fact, they may actually give you some
good advice, they will let you cry (or they will cry with you) and they will
make you smile.
Eventually, dear reader, you will find yourself walking out
of the comfort zone. You’ll find
yourself growing, learning, and being happier with life. So, take a deep breath, approach that door,
and get started on the lock. Trust me,
it’ll be worth the work.
And above all, be kind to yourself and others.
