Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Deep Secret

It's funny how some things just sneak up on you. It's even stranger when those things spark a whole line of thought, and the next thing you know you're knee deep in self reflection and putting puzzle pieces together you didn't even know weren't connected. That's exactly what happened to me today -- this morning if you want to get specific about it.

I was going through some things in my desk today, looking for something specific. What I found, instead, was as stack of cards (the kinds you get with flowers) -- and boy did it make me smile. It took me back a few years when somebody used to send flowers to me at work on a regular basis; with cute little messages and reminders about seeing one another again. Then I ran across a couple of them with 10/13/2012 written on them and realized how quickly things can change. One person, one event, and everything changes. I don't know if it was for the better or worse... but change it did; and there really isn't anything I can do about that.

That's what started my unscheduled self reflection today. And boy, was it intense. It started with me wondering why things changed (I really try to learn not to ask "why"; mostly because it doesn't really help anything), reflecting on how different things are, and then - eventually - trying to figure out what I like and don't like now compared to then.

Surprisingly enough, there aren't that many differences between now and then, with the exception that with the years of experienced I have gained since then - there are more things I don't like now. These include personality traits, values, and just plan "being with someone" type of things.

And this, my devoted and well-loved reader is where the deep secret comes in. I'm sharing it with you with the thought that maybe you can look inside yourself and find that one thing that triggers you to realize something significant about yourself. Like I did today.

Alright, onto this "giant secret" ... it's really not that big. Sorry to get your hopes up, kittens. Anyways I was thinking today about a great many things and I realized -- I really don't mind sleeping alone. I quite prefer it actually, I'm not a huge fan of sharing my bed with anyone other than my cat -- the snuggling while you're asleep thing isn't made for someone with an above average body temperature (and personal space issues). That doesn't mean I don't like cuddling with the right person; just not when I'm trying to sleep. What I DO miss a whole lot is showering with someone.

The Shower Thing -- sounds kind of lame, but let me explain before you start judging me. (I know, you're my devoted fan base -- you don't judge me and I love you for it). When I say I miss showering with someone I'm not talking about the "let's take a shower and have fun in the water" kind of shower (although I'm a big fan of those as well). I also don't mean.. 'we have 10 minutes to get out the door...quick double shower to save time". What I mean is actually giving someone a shower. Getting into the shower with someone, washing their hair, their body, rinsing them off, drying them, and helping them get dressed. I absolutely 100% LOVE doing this for someone I deeply love.

To me, there is no better way to show someone how much you love them than to serve and take care of them. It makes them feel special and giving someone The Shower is my way of doing that. I'll be the first to admit that I've had my share of relationships (no, you don't get to know the number of them I've had :p); but I can literally count on one hand how many people I've done The Shower thing for. When I started thinking about it, I realized that neither of my ex-husbands are on that list. That's when it hit me (like a ton of bricks)... this shower thing I do is my way of telling ME that someone means more to me than I realize. Sometimes you can love someone (or think you do) but not at the level you expect. And sometimes, when you think back, you realize how much you really did love someone.

So that revelation had me thinking... these little "crushes" I get on people (sometimes I swear I'm just a high school student in an adult body); how many of them would I treat with The Shower? How many of the people that have received a shower in the past get them again (stuff happens that changes your soul whether you like it or not)? I've realized today, that THE SHOWER is my way of gauging my feelings (or potential) feelings for someone. And yes, dearest follower, I will answer the questions for you - as I know some of you are such curious kittens.

How many of my recent/current "crushes" would get this shower; presuming they showed the interest in me that I have in them? 1 (and trust me when I tell you that the answer of whom surprised the SHIT out of me). Now this is not to say that the number wouldn't change if I started to more deeply explore a relationship with someone on that crush list. It's just my way of exploring my current feelings for someone. Sort of that lust versus more than lust thing.

How many of the people who have gotten this treat in the past would get it again? Out of the five ... 1. As sad as that makes me, it doesn't change the fact that the answer is the truth. Like I said previously - things happen, people change, and sometimes no matter how much you love (or loved) someone, you can't go back to the way things were. The answer to this question didn't surprise me nearly as much as the first one did. I was rather expecting it as an answer.

So, there you have it. My big revelation of the day -- the fact that finding someone to share that Shower with is much more important to me than having someone lay in my bed at night. At the end of the day; there is so much more to life than lust.

1 comment:

Bonnielynn said...

This doesn't really surprise me. You are a very nurturing person. You are passionate about your ability to care for someone. This is the most basic of all needs. That and feeding someone, and you're good at that too. Someone, someday, is going to be very lucky.