Times Change, and So Should We

So, beloved reader, we meet again.   I know what you’re saying (I can hear it all the way over here) it’s about time!  Hey, a girl gets busy once in a while.   Alright, so technically my absence hasn’t been ALL about my being busy.  The fact of the matter is, I ebb and flow when it comes to blogging.  Sometimes I have a LOT to say; other times not so much.   At least I don’t have anything helpful to say.   Either way, here I am with something a bit more personal than usual to discuss.

So, a bit of a catch up from the last blog entry (in November).  You remember the one about Opportunity Whispering?  Well, that opportunity turned my life upside down in a really good way.  That opportunity; which I nearly missed (thank goodness I started feeling better and pushed my way through the anti-social issues) turned into a new relationship I wasn’t expecting, and with which I couldn’t be more pleased.  Granted, we’re still in the beginning phases, but I find myself smiling at random times and generally a bit more at ease with life.  This is a good thing. 

In all honesty, this is the first stable, healthy relationship I’ve been in since I left my now ex-husband; so it’s been YEARS.  It’s a bit more complicated since we are Very Far Away from each other, but that’s just reality sometimes.  When Opportunity shows up with a gift, you don’t ask it to change just because it doesn’t fit your ideal.  You accept it, make the most of it, and wait for it to take you to new and wonderful places.  

It was during this opportunity that I realized a few significant things about myself.  So now I’m trying to find my way through these issues and come out the other side a more adjusted person.   Now, my friend is your chance to run; it gets a bit more personal from here. 

You Never Know Your Damage

As you know, I do a lot of self-reflection, actualization and improvement.  I’m a true believer that you’ll never live to your potential if you don’t continuously strive to improve yourself.  Strange, how I thought it would be as easy as that.  Sit in my self-reflection, find my issues and work on them.  Apparently; that’s not the way it works!  Who knew?!  

Sometimes, you don’t realize the extent of your damage until you find yourself in a particular situation.  The realizations (at least for me) come in the form of a flash-back and expecting the existing situation to go the same way.  Then getting very, VERY angry at myself for expecting such terrible behavior out of someone I know wouldn’t do such a thing.  I realized that I’ve spent a lot of time working on my issues resulting from my sexual assault, but not nearly enough time working on the damage my abusive marriage caused.   It’s a terrible cycle that I have recognized and now, it’s time to work on it. 

Punishment and Blame

Self-punishment is bad kids.  Don’t do it, trust me I’m an expert.   In all seriousness, I have a bad habit of blaming myself for my perceived short-comings and I realize that’s directly due to my ex-husband’s influence.  When I don’t live up to my own expectations, or I’m not able to do something I think I should be able to do, I get angry.  Not with the situation, not with others; with myself.  I berate myself, think terrible things, and determine I have failed.  Trust me, you don’t want to hear the things that go through my head at the time.
  

I’ve learned that the blame lies in my past, and not with the people currently in my life.  So I don’t take my issues out on the people in my life, though they are exposed to my issues from time to time.  Sharing and pushing through these experiences is still new to me, and it’s more difficult than I was expecting. 

Moving Forward   

So, here’s where I am.  In this place where I’m dealing with some things that I never knew I didn’t have a handle on (wow…that sentence sucks – don’t judge me too harshly).  It’s certainly a challenge for me, and one I’m approaching as cautiously as possible. 

As many of you may know, I don’t cry easily (although there are some that will disagree with that statement).  I’m even more particular regarding in front of whom I cry or to whom I show any type of vulnerability.  It’s just part of who I became when I was ‘taught’ (maybe "conditioned" is the right word?) that vulnerability and emotion were unacceptable traits in a partner.  However, I realized something very interesting (with the help of a friend earlier in the weekend).  When I’m feeling particularly vulnerable, compassion sends me right over the edge.  Odd, I know…but apparently I’m not used to someone being kind to me when I’m upset. 

You know, one of my previous blog entries was about always wanting someone to let me have these emotions (refer to “Fantasies” .. especially paragraph 4.  5 March 2013).  Apparently what I was asking for in that particular blog 2 years ago is cathartic and actually helps you heal.  Hmm.. maybe it’ll happen. 

Personal Challenge

I have set a couple of personal challenges for myself, and I urge you to try them as well.  We all have a past; and each of us has something in that past that has had a negative impact on us.   I am challenging myself to face this past, learn from it, and find ways to lessen its effect on me.  I’m learning that being vulnerable with the right person is a good thing.  I’m learning that it’s OK not to be perfect, the constant rock, or to actually HAVE and show emotions.  I’m a work in progress, but that’s how I know I’m doing things correctly. 

I challenge you to do the same thing.  As difficult and painful as it may be to face, inspect your past, learn from it, and find your own way to eliminate it’s negative impact on your life.  Move forward, love others, be NICE, and accept compassion from others.

Xoxo
Trinity

Whispering Opportunity

Knock.  Knock Knock.  KNOCK KNOC KNOCK!      We all know the great saying “opportunity knocking”; for the longest time I was convinced I was either at the grocery store or in the shower when that all too elusive sound arrived.    This past week, I learned a very interesting lesson. Sometimes opportunity doesn’t knock – it whispers.  And if you’re not careful and not true to yourself, you might miss it. 

This last weekend was the closing weekend at the Haunted House at which I volunteer (www.bloodview.net – if you didn’t go this year, I expect to see you there next season); it was also our annual cast party, at which you never really know what you’re going to find.  To say it was interesting would be an understatement.  Even more interesting are the things I learned (both about myself and others).  Sorry, kittens... I won’t be getting into specifics about all the debauchery I found myself in, but I will share with you what I learned about our good friend, Opportunity.   

In the spirit of full honesty, I nearly didn’t attend the cast party.  I hadn’t been feeling all that well throughout that day, and I wasn’t really “up” for trying to play nice with everyone (we all know I have a problem with playing nice).   It’s not that I don’t like the people I haunt with – they are a second family to me, some of my best friends, and a group of people that know things about me that would make my “normal” friends cringe.  Yet, they still love and accept me for whom and what I am (even if I am a freak – PS this is not a bad thing).  It’s simply the social scene takes a lot of effort on my part.  As people friendly as I may seem, I’m not always an overly social being; especially around people I don’t know well.  Couple that with the way I had been feeling over the past several months, and I pictured myself holed up in one of the multitude of hiding spaces in the house, listening to my music and hiding from everyone.    

I decided, however, to give it a go; mostly because I had been reminded by someone that if you don’t take a chance once in a while, nothing will ever change.  And we all know I needed a change.  

My biggest lesson of the weekend?  If you continue to wait for Opportunity to knock you’ll find yourself constantly in the house baking cookies and never out experiencing life.   That’s because Opportunity doesn’t always knock, sometimes it whispers... and expects you to be still and listen carefully.  Sometimes Opportunity expects you to just BE YOURSELF, do what you usually do and allow that to draw others to you.  Sometimes Opportunity demands you to be bold and see what happens.   Opportunity did all of those things for me, and has left me with my head spinning a little (no, not physically) and looking forward to my next social outing. 

So, enough about me; I’ve been way too selfish lately with the whole ‘whoa is me’ thing.  Let’s talk about YOU and how these little lessons can benefit you.   

Lesson 1:  Listen Carefully

Opportunity doesn’t usually just scream your name, bang on your door and get your attention.  The problem is, many times that’s exactly what we are expecting.   We live our lives, stuck in our ruts and wondering when things are going to change.  All the while, Opportunity is whispering in our ear to “check out that new restaurant”  “accept the invite” or “just go dancing”.   That small, nearly inaudible voice that we ignore because we don’t like EVERYONE that will be at the party, or we don’t like eating alone, or a million other reasons, refuses to scream.  That little voice, when listened to, will provide us the chances we’ve been searching for all along.

So take a breath, listen to what it’s saying and seriously consider the possibilities.  When you do, new and interesting people appear in your life.  Things happen. Life blossoms and provides you something to finally smile about.  Trust me on this, I’m nearly an expert.    

 

Lesson 2:  Find and BE Yourself

Easier said than done, I know.  The hardest part of the lesson is realizing that WHO are you is acceptable and to accept it as a truth.  There are many, many different people in this world, and we are all valuable, loveable, acceptable beings.  Just because we don’t fit comfortably into a social standard, something “normal” or other such label we deem acceptable doesn’t mean that we aren’t a wonderful person with incredible things to offer in the right situation.  Self reflection, self admiration and self acceptance are the keys – very difficult keys, but keys nonetheless. 

Now that you know WHO you are, BE that person.   Be true to yourself, covering up what you are simply because it makes another person uncomfortable is only going to make you miserable.   The hard part is finding the right person or people that accept you and allow you to be that person.  When you find them, don’t let them go; keep them in your life and embrace the blessing.  Trust me, it IS a blessing.   Yes, there will always be times where you  have to morph yourself a bit to fit into a social situation or group, but don’t let that change who you are; be true to yourself and find a way to let yourself be YOU. 

When you know who you are, and you truly are THAT person, the Opportunities will be less difficult to  hear.  Opportunity isn’t going to knock if it knows the address is incorrect.   

 

Lesson 3:  Be Bold

Try new things, go places, talk to new people, and make new friends.  Play a game with a group of people you don’t know well.  Learn about others.  Learn about yourself and put your new interests into action. 

The only way to attract the right people in your life is to be bold about who you are.  When you do that, people that are interested in the same things that share similar beliefs, or those who were simply not sure if you’d ‘click’, suddenly start talking to you.   It’s a wonderful thing, and will certainly bring about new Opportunities for you.

 

Lesson 4:  Create Your Own Opportunity

When all else fails, or you can’t seem to put any of the above lessons into play, create your own Opportunity. After all, we are the masters of our own happiness; so it’s time for you to take control of that happiness.    Will it always go exactly as you planned?  Nope.   Will you potentially find yourself disappointed or hurt, yes.  But I promise you this, dear reader, it will be substantially less than if you don’t follow what makes you happy. 

 

So, I think that’s it for now; that’s all I have for you.   Remember, Opportunity doesn’t grab you by the collar and force you to pay attention, it’s subtle, quiet, and always right there for you to grab.

 

 

The Plight of the People Pleaser

Before we get started, beloved reader, I know... I know.  It’s been forever; but to be entirely honest with you (something I always strive to be) I haven’t been in the proper frame of mind for blogging. To me, my blog should be about inspiration, education, and entertainment.  I haven’t been feeling any of those lately – thus the lack of noise from this site.   My outlook really hasn't changed much, but I thought maybe writing will change my mindset; or at least the things I write about will help change YOUR life. Alright, onto the good stuff.  

Hi, my name is Trinity, and I’m a People Pleaser.   Admit it, you did the “Hi Trinity” thing in your head; cookies are available in the back of the room.  Looking back, I realize I've been a People Pleasure all of my adult life; potentially starting in High School.  I won’t blame any specific event or person for this behavioral pattern, it was simply something I have become.   I am, in no way, saying that being a People Pleaser is a bad thing; it does, however, have the potential to be overwhelming a bit detrimental to someone if they don’t keep an eye on the situation. 

People Pleasers face unique challenges to their own happiness if they aren't cautious about what’s happening around them.  I, personally, have found myself struggling with all of the challenges listed here to varying degrees, which has landed me in my little unhappy slice of paradise.  

Lack of Balance

People Pleasers (I so desperately want to call them PPs ..but I just can’t bring myself to do it!) can get so wrapped up in ensuring the happiness of others in their lives that they lose balance.  No, I don’t mean they fall to the ground unexpectedly, although that’s been known to happen to me from time to time J.   We (yes, I’m including myself since I am already identified as a Pleaser) lose a sense of balance in our lives. We live to please and serve others, and forget that making ourselves happy is just as important.  This lack of balance leads to a lot of different things (see the next few points) including finding ourselves with little “alone” time, or zero time to do simple things in life, like laundry or house cleaning.   We find our schedules filled with “go here, do this”; and – at least in my personal experience – less than 10% of the things on the schedule are there because I want to do it for myself.   I know I’m not the only Pleaser that experiences this lack of balance; but I’ll be honest with you - I have no idea yet how to fix it. 

Busy, Busy Days

Who says there are only 24 hours in a day?  When you’re a Pleaser – you’re on the go constantly; making sure that everything is addressed; you often find a sense of time-warping.  If only there were a TARDIS and a sexy-smart Doctor to help us along!!   We find ourselves eating off the kitchen counter before bed, simply because there wasn't enough time to cook the dinner we had planned.  We find laundry piled up in the bedroom because there’s no way we can do laundry at 3am and still function the next day.  We have a ‘to be watched’ list in our DVR players dozens of lines long because we don’t have a day ‘off’ to just sit around and watch TV.   Of course, (at least in my case) this all explains why my house usually looks like a war zone.  And stresses me out to no end. 

Time for “Me”

Me time...I think I remember seeing that on a Lifetime Movie preview once; heheh.  The Me Time concept ties very nicely to the Busy, Busy Days.  From my personal perspective, I have not had a full day to myself (without work or other obligations) in over three months. No, I’m not exaggerating.  The opportunity simply does not present itself.  Not that I haven’t had wonderful times with people I care for, or days full of fun and laughter.  But we all need time to ourselves to stop from losing who we are.   There are several “reasons” for this that I will not elaborate on; but on top of the list is simple.  I feel an overwhelming sense of obligation when someone asks me to do something.  Saying No isn’t always an option or an ultimate outcome for a Pleaser.   We can’t stand disappointing someone simply because we want to have some time to ourselves; we do not see that as an acceptable reason.   Moreover, the more we try to please others, the harder it becomes to say no - -simply because they know we’ll give in if they ask enough.   

What would I do with me time?  OH THE LIST!!!   I won’t bore you with it, but know that it’s extensive and full of average, everyday things.   Things I simply haven’t had the chance to do, and it’s my “dream day” if I ever have one. 

Lack of Personal Joy

I've been avoiding this particular point for a while now; not just from a writing perspective, but from a personal perspective.  Pleasers rarely have an opportunity to experience their own, personal, joy. We gain joy from ensuring the people in our lives are happy; and we often do that to our own detriment. Don’t get me wrong – we have fun, we laugh, we love and we enjoy things.  However, the things we would do to make ourselves happy are not the things that would make the people in our lives happy (at least not at the time we need them) so we put them aside, and hope to get to them at another time.   The issue becomes when the time runs out, the Pleaser finds himself in a sad and sometimes empty place; and it’s a well that’s difficult to dig out of at times.

So, where do we go from here?   I’m not quite sure myself, lovely reader.  I know I’ve identified part of my unhappiness, but I’m not quite sure the resolution at this time… though I would love to hear your thoughts on it.   If you have a Pleaser in your life (they will usually not come right out and identify themselves as one, so watch for the patterns we discussed) talk to them about it (if they are open to that!).  Maybe together you can find a solution that makes everyone happy.

Remember, joy is a wonderful thing to behold…and worth pursuing. 

Much love to each of you

Xo

Trinity

Enlightenment and Perspective

This last week or so has been very ... interesting.  Rather enlightening, I'd say.  The fact of the matter is, the more human behavior I observe, the more disturbing the trends I see become.  I'm not quite sure if it's the people I have exposure to, or if it's a sign of how the human race is evolving (or, in some cases, devolving).

I've seen anger, hatred, hypocrisy,  rudeness  personal attacks, and excuse after excuse for awful behavior.  I've seen people blame there heritage, their past, their current circumstances, and a myriad of other reasons to deflect the real reasons why they are acting the way they do.  What I haven't seen is mature, supposedly rational adults taking responsibility for their actions and thinking before they speak and/or act.  Someone looses their cool and starts to yell, scream, throw things and say hurtful, hateful words.  They fall just short of terrorizing everyone around them, then sit back and says "I can't help it, I was raised this way.  It's who I was meant to be."  Then, when someone attacks them, or their family; they are livid and "can't understand why someone would behave like that."  The fact  of the matter is, if you have the ability to rationalize and make excuses for your behavior, then you have the ability to actually think before you speak and before you act.  When you choose not to, you can not blame others for being disappointed with you.  Furthermore, you don't have the stones to throw at others when they act in a similar matter to yours.  What you send out to the world, you get back in threes.

An even more upsetting trend I've seen as of late is self-loathing, and self-hatred.  I've seen intelligent, rational, emotionally stable people tear themselves down because one or two people have a negative opinion on them.  I've heard someone belittle themselves in every other sentence saying "I'm so stupid."  "I'm such a bad person."  "How could I be such an idiot." The list goes on.   Don't get me wrong, we all have bad days and we all fight with negative thoughts about ourselves.  However, when you continue to put yourself down; your outlook on life changes.  You suddenly find yourself depressed, unhappy with your job, your family, your life.  You don't enjoy things you used to and spiral into a dark and alone place.  If you can imagine, there's an even worse side effect of putting yourself down than the Spiral of Darkness.  It's the fact that the more you put yourself down the more OTHER people will start to believe it.  You say "I'm so stupid" in front of people enough times and they will believe you.  They will believe you lack intelligence, and even more, they will know you hate yourself and have a low opinion of yourself.  How can they possibly have a higher opinion of you if they constantly hear, from you, that you're not worth it?

I know that not everyone is a fan, but RuPaul says something at the end of every show that just hits home.  "If you can't love yourself, how the ($^@!) you gonna love someone else?"   Even more important than that .. if you don't love yourself how the heck is anyone else supposed to love you?  That doesn't pertain to only romantic relationships.. if you hate yourself how are your friends supposed to love and support you?  What about your family?

It was starting to feel as if everyone in the human race was sliding down this dark and desolate path.  Each time I read a Facebook Status or string of comments, saw a Twitter update, or talked to someone in person there was this "everything sucks" attitude flying around.  There, as always, are a couple of exceptions.. .but this has been an over-riding theme for the last couple of weeks.  It was really starting to get to me. I took a couple of days to myself, and tried to remove myself from the negativity.  Unfortunately, when I returned it was the same thing, over and over again.

Then, March 27th happened..and it pretty much changed my perspective and outlook on things.  I was asked to Witness the passing of one of my fellow Warriors.  He had become a pretty close friend over the years, as has his wife.  He's been sick for a while, and on the 26th, I got a call from his wife that he was placed on Life Support and requested I come to the hospital to be there with him and his family when they disconnected him.  I didn't even have to think about it... I simply asked what time to be there.

So, yesterday I walked into a hospital room and saw my strong, funny, Inspirational friend laying in a hospital bed.  Hooked up to a life support system, and completely vulnerable.  His wife was sitting beside him, holding his hand, her eyes red and puffy from crying all night.  It was obvious she hadn't slept, and I can't say I'd blame her.  She was saying goodbye to her best friend, her husband, and the father of a child he would never meet.  Her small, swollen belly was barely noticeable; but her right handing rubbing small circles around it ensured you didn't misunderstand.  She was subconsciously trying to soothe the baby when there was no comfort to be found for herself.

His older brother was standing in the corner, giving the Warrior's two nieces their last moments with their favorite Uncle.  He was always singing to them, playing games, and teasing them about their boyfriends.  They were well and truly hurting over the situation, but held onto their tears as best they could because, in one of their words  "Are you serious? He'd come back just to kill us if he found out we were weeping over his body!"  We laughed, in that sad, joyful laugh you get when you're trying to balance tears and laughter.

As the nurses came into the room to disconnect the machines, his wife told the story of their engagement, smiling through the tears streaming down her face, and his brother interjected with all the smart-ass comments a sibling has to say.  His nieces oohed and ahhhed about the romance of it all and how they want their engagements to be just as special.  I stood there, behind his wife, my hand on her shoulder and listened to the story of the Romantic Warrior.  Once the nurses left, his older niece started to sing "Lullabye" by Billy Joel.  'Good night, my Angel. Time to Close Your eyes".  We all gave him kisses and told him how much he was loved and how much he would be missed.  His brother joked about their lack of seeing eye to eye on anything, but reminded everyone how much our Warrior loved to debate.  

She finished her song, and her and I took turns singing while our Warrior's life slipped away.  We sang everything from "Who You'd Be Today" to "Walking on Sunshine" and even "Party Rock Anthem."  

There was no hate during those few hours in that hospital room.  No fighting, no self-pity, no anger.  Just a peace that can only be found when you open your heart and mind to what someone else needs and help them through the most difficult time of their life.

I consider myself very lucky to be able to Witness to my fellow Warrior's passings.  Yesterday was the 34th death I've attended, each one is different and unique to the Warrior.  Almost all of them were full of the love and peace we strive for every day ... and each one of them makes me realize how fragile we all are.

If we fill our daily lives with negativity, hate, and anger -- what's going to happen when it's OUR turn to go .. who will be with us?  What will we regret?

So, do me a favor, Beloved Reader, THINK before you speak.  Take into consideration ALL the people you are hurting when you act out of anger or frustration.    Be KIND...not just to other people, but (almost more importantly) to YOURSELF.

I love you, kittens.  Each and every one of you.  <3

Fantasies

I have to stop watching TV.  Gives me all these crazy ideas and has me daydreaming of things that are likely not in the stars for me.  Makes me dream up these ridiculous (and often "girly") fantasies about life, and having a partner that's strong enough to be mine.

I learned a long time ago that "happily ever after" isn't a reality.  Ever after might be; but nothing is continuously happy.  There are downs and ups to everything in life.  I also learned that as you get older, more mature, that your fantasies change; they become almost more "realistic" if that makes any sense.

My apartment complex is really noisy, so I usually have my tv on for background noise I actually don't mind. So, this TV show is on and I'm only less than 1/2 listening to what's going on.  I'm suddenly caught off guard by a scene that I can only DREAM would ever happen to me.  I know what you're probably thinking -- romantic engagement proposal, big wedding, amazing romantic-such and such.  Nope.  

The woman in the scene was crying uncontrollably, obviously very upset/sad/destroyed about something.  Curled up on her side, in the middle of a bed; just crying alone.  I can totally relate to that -- been there done that way too many times to count.  Suddenly, from behind her comes a tentative hand...the hand of what I think was her boyfriend (could have been a husband..but they were a couple).  She brushed off his hand and moved away from him, intent on dealing with her pain on her own.  He refused to let her do that, moving in against her back and putting his arms around her.  She thrashed against him, screaming and crying and begging to be left alone.  He refused ... he held on tight and rocked her as she cried.  Never once asking what was wrong, how he could fix it or what he could do to help her feel better.  He knew exactly what she needed; someone to hold her together as she fell apart.   Someone strong enough to handle her crying, and screaming, and breaking into a million pieces.  Someone to be her shelter in the middle of  a storm.  That one person she didn't feel obligated to be strong in front of all the time, because he could be strong enough for both of them sometimes.

That, right there, is one of my biggest fantasies.  To have that significant other that knows me well enough to hold me when I fall apart; that's not afraid to see me cry, that doesn't need consoling when I fall apart.  Someone I know I can break in front of and not worry that it's going to destroy us.

You may think that's a simple request, but to be completely honest with you; I haven't found anyone that fits that description yet.  Especially lately.  It seems the more dramatic my life gets (whether it's financial drama, parental drama (albeit most of my parental drama is on the positive side), or medical drama) the more difficult it is to find someone that's strong enough to handle it.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not asking anyone to handle my problems for me.  They are my problems and I deal with them the best I can.  Most times I do a damn good job at it.  However, there are days that it gets to be too much, and I want someone that I can lean on, talk to, cry around (or even cry with); knowing that I don't have to pick up their pieces when I'm done.

Selfish? Maybe, I haven't found the answer to that question yet.  I'd like to think that it's not that selfish of a request, but maybe I'm wrong.  Maybe what I'm asking for is too much for someone to do?  Right or wrong, it doesn't make my fantasy any less real to me, or any lower on my wish list.

So, there you have it, Kittens.  My little fantasy.  Don't ask me why I've decided to share it with you -- because I'm really not sure.  It's a bit personal .. and seems a bit weak minded .. but it's part of who I am.  Sharing the personal stuff, as difficult as it might be, is one of the reasons I write for you.

Have I told you lately that I appreciate you?  And I adore you for reading my ramblings?   Be kind to each other.  <3

Respect and Relationships - The Balance You Need

Hello, kittens.  I realize it’s been a very long time since I've posted anything here, and for that I sincerely apologize.  Unfortunately, sometimes life gets in the way of the things you really enjoy doing, and no matter how much you try, you simply can’t add hours to the day - -every one of them only  comes with 24.  I've been through quite a bit of turmoil lately, and maybe eventually we’ll catch up on that.  However, for today, I want to talk to you about something that’s very near and dear to me   Respect. 

I've been thinking about this quite a bit lately, and how there are so many levels of respect and different ways in which it’s provided (and received).    There’s ONE specific kind of respect that I’m going to talk about, but I wanted to cover the others in order to put things into perspective – or help you understand where my mind is right now. 

There’s the respect you have for naturally talented athletes, actors, singers, or artists (that list can go on and on).  The type of respect that makes you go ‘Wow… they make it look so easy.”  I have this respect for my daughter every time she does something artistic; because – aside from writing – that kind of talent just doesn’t exist inside of me.   With the exception of the people I personally know, it’s a kind of respect that isn’t really “earned”.  It’s hard to “earn” respect if you don’t have a personal interaction; but I still respect the fact that they can do what they do, get paid for it, and look so natural doing it.  I’ll admit, if I tried to do a back tuck on a balance beam, or even tried to jump to catch a football that’s three feet above my head and inches behind me – I’d look like a drunk harbor seal trying to find a fish in a desert.  Not a pretty picture for me; and they make it look like second nature. 

Then there is the level of personal respect you gain from having ongoing interactions with someone.  They earn your respect with their actions, their honesty, their integrity, their intelligence; or whatever criteria you determine earns your respect.  This is a very high form of respect, because it’s provided almost as a gift when someone lives above the expectations you have for the human race.  It’s also the type of respect that can be lost when you lower your standards, or act in a way that makes others no longer respect you.   I find this kind of respect in the workplace most often, as our work relationships are much different than our personal ones. 

There are other kinds of respect, but I want to get to the point before I lose you too quickly, beloved reader.  Hopefully I haven’t done that yet!   The respect that I want to really focus on today is the respect that comes with a close, personal relationship.  This relationship can be a friendship, a romantic partnership, or even a family relationship.  This level of respect is much different and presents itself in a different manner than others.  We take our closest relationships most seriously, but we also tend to take advantage of them the most. 

In our close, personal, relationships we already know there is a level of mutual respect, otherwise we wouldn't be close to the person in question.  However, for some reason, we tend to misplace respect in our actions towards our loved ones.  It’s not always super obvious, and sometimes we are “just joking” when we do it.  Here’s the thing; when a pattern of behavior is repeated enough it becomes disrespectful; “I’m just kidding” only takes you so far until the other person starts to feel like you don’t care that they've asked you a hundred times NOT to say something that’s offensive or upsetting to them. 

There’s another level of respect that we don’t always show each other.  It’s when we make our own needs, wants, and desires more important that the other person in the relationship.  Let’s take an example: 

A husband and wife are getting ready to go out for a date-night.  The husband is just getting over the flu and his stomach is still sensitive to foods; but they still decide to go out for dinner.  The husband asks “Where do you want to go for dinner.” 

The wife responds “The Mexican Hat . Their enchiladas are amazing”.    

“My stomach is still messed up, can we go somewhere else and save Mexican for another night?” the husband asks, knowing just about anything on the menu is going to cause him discomfort.

“But I REALLY love Mexican, and the last time we went out, you said I could pick the next restaurant.  Besides, they have a great chicken breast and rice dish you can order, it won’t mess up your stomach too much.” 

It’s pretty obvious in this situation that the wife is clearly only focusing on herself and her desire for Mexican food; which is why I used this example first.  The husband might cave and go to the Mexican restaurant to make his wife happy; but he likely won’t be very happy about it.   I won’t go into the compromises they could settle on, or the rest of what may or may not happen.  The fact of the matter is, she didn't take into consideration his needs and only focused on what she wanted.  If this was a one-time event, it’s likely not an issue.  However, if she does this on a regular basis, it starts to show that she doesn't respect what he wants or needs.

Example Number 2:  A pair of friends (Sue and Patty) have discussed at length, and more than once, how much Sue doesn't like to have her feet touched.  It’s a combination of being ticklish, and just a general dislike of feet.  Occasionally, as they are hanging out, Patty will try to tickle Sue’s feet, and Sue has to remind her (yet again) that she doesn't want her feet touched.   For her Sue’s birthday, Patty scheduled them BOTH for a salon pedicure.  “You’re going to LOVE IT  ... pedicures are my absolutely favorite thing in the whole world, and it took me months to get into this salon.”   It becomes obvious over a period of time that Patty doesn't respect Sue’s desires and just does her own thing without thought to her friend’s feelings.   

Continually poking fun or, or constantly reminding someone of their requests and/or quirks can be very tiresome and, eventually, can be seen as a lack of respect.  Eventually, no matter how much someone cares for someone else they may back away from a friendship (or other relationship) due to it.  Nobody wants to be continually reminded of their shortcomings. 

OK, kittens, because I love you and trust you I’m going to go out on a limb here and use a VERY personal example (not something I do often), but I think it will help me get my point across. 

I have a SERIOUS personal space issue.  Most of my friends and relatives know this about me... it’s nothing new and not anything I outright hide from anyone.  It’s also something that I've been consciously working on for years.   I don’t like to be hugged, don’t like people in my personal space (standing/sitting right next to me) and I downright hate casual touching (someone putting their hand on my arm, shoulder, leg., etc. when they are talking to me).   Like everything else, there are some exceptions – my family and anyone I have sincere, deep, romantic feelings for.   This isn't to say that I won’t hug people; I know it’s a widely accepted social action and it shouldn't be that big of a deal.  So I hug people; people I care about and people that I haven’t seen in a while.  I’d rather not… but I do it because it’s good for me to face the things that I’m not comfortable with. 

Here’s where the “respect” thing comes in for me.  Those closest to me know all about this personal space issue.  Like I said before, it’s not something that I hide (though it’s also not something that I openly confess to strangers).  To me, respecting my personal boundaries is part of respecting me as a person.  Forcing me to hug, sit close, put up with casual touching or kissing, etc, because YOU think it’s funny or helpful makes me wonder if you ever have my best interests in mind. 

I see this “personal space” issue as a shortcoming…as something that holds me back from being the person that I really want to be.  That’s why I’m working on it; I hug people when I see them, and I try not to make it a big deal if someone is sitting or standing too close to me.  With that, I don’t like to be reminded of my shortcomings; I can’t image many people that do.  If I had a physical deformity, I wouldn't want to be reminded of it every day or every time I show a sign of weakness.   Therefore, I find it very difficult to read texts or IMs from people who insist on “virtually hugging me” or “virtually kissing me” because I don’t like to do it in person.  It’s simply calling me out on my weakness and, once it’s done enough, shows me that the person doesn't respect me, my desires, or the issues I’m dealing with. 

So there you have it, kittens.   Being mindful of your actions, words, and texts when you’re dealing with your loved ones will go a long way in ensuring they know you not only love them, but respect their desires and wishes.   Keep in mind, if someone disrespects you enough, what do you do?   If you continue to disrespect the people in your life, regardless of whether or not you ‘mean it’, don’t be surprised if you find yourself no longer as close as you used to be. 

In the end, it’s all about being kind.  Compassionate.  Thoughtful.  Insightful.  If you do that, the respect comes automatically.

I adore you, and I miss writing for you.  Thank you for reading my ramblings and I hope to  be back to writing on a regular basis very soon.   

Is it just me?

OK, seriously ...what is it with people's obsessive desire to have their noses (and their running mouths) constantly in other people's personal business?  I've seen more relationships, friendships and potential long-term happiness ruined by rumors and assumptions than I care to recount.

It seems just about anywhere I go, someone is trying to talk about someone else behind their back.  "Did you hear that Joe is cheating on Jane?"  "Wow..did he tell you that?"  "No, Mary heard Jill talking to Steve about it last week in the back room.  Can you believe it? What a jerk .. using Jane like that just because she has money."  Suddenly Jane gets wind of it, assumes that it's true because 13,291 people told her different versions of the rumor and she dumps Joe.  Was he really cheating on her?  Who knows, but the damage is already done.

It's been said that weak-minded individuals start rumors to make themselves feel better, out of jealousy, or just because they are plain mean.  They don't like a certain individual, or in some cases like another individual better (scenario:  Stacy likes Jim.  Jim likes Gale.  Jim's friend likes Stacy better) and they start a rumor about said individual.  They don't care if it's true or even if it's remotely in the ballpark of what someone would do.  They just tell the right two or three people and BAM... wildfire.  The rumor is spread through the social networks (and thanks to places like Twitter and Facebook -- all over the world) in a matter of hours.

Many people, including some of you, may be thinking to yourself "well it's just a rumor.  If YOU know it's not true, then what's the big deal?"   The fact of the matter is, you can't help what other people are going to say and do, or what they are going to believe.  The big deal arises when relationships, friendships, and sometimes LIVES are ruined when a rumor is started and gets into the wrong hands.   I am not exaggerating when I say that lives can be ruined with a rumor.  Let's say Noah has 2 young kids; he's been fighting his ex-wife for full custody of his kids for years.  His ex-wife's best friend decides to "help" by starting a rumor that he was sexually harassing a student at the school he is a teacher at.  Authorities get a hold of this "rumor", he's suspended from his job, and loses custody of his kids because of it.   His life is forever changed, as are his kid's lives, all because someone couldn't keep their nose out of his business.

Lately, I've had more knives in by back than usual, it's getting a bit crowded back there.  You'd think if people didn't like me THAT much, that they'd look me in the eye and tell me.  Instead they spread rumors, share my personal information and stories with others, and generally try to make my life as difficult and as sad as possible.  Some days they succeed.  Other days they don't.    Although I attempt to let it roll off my back as much as possible, sometimes these viscous little liars get the better of me; usually when someone I care about gets caught in the cross fire.

You see, you can attack me all you want but do NOT involve the people who are important to me.  That's where I draw the line and start calling you out on the carpet.  Don't think I won't do it.. because I will.  I don't care who you are, how "important" you are, or who your friends and connections are; if you start screwing with the happiness and well being of the people most important to me, you WILL be confronted about it and the situation will be handled.  I just don't tolerate that kind of behavior in my life.

So, there you have it kittens.  My personal little stance on the rumor thing, believing what you hear from others, and making assumptions.  If you don't hear something directly from a person, do NOT assume what you  hear is true.  Don't repeat it.  And above all else, don't talk about anyone's business but your own.

Be KIND, be compassionate, think about how your actions and words affect other people.  Remember that YOU are responsible for more than just yourself when you decide to put someone else's name in  your mouth.

Kittens, please I beg you, spread LOVE before it's too late.