Tuesday, March 5, 2013


I have to stop watching TV.  Gives me all these crazy ideas and has me daydreaming of things that are likely not in the stars for me.  Makes me dream up these ridiculous (and often "girly") fantasies about life, and having a partner that's strong enough to be mine.

I learned a long time ago that "happily ever after" isn't a reality.  Ever after might be; but nothing is continuously happy.  There are downs and ups to everything in life.  I also learned that as you get older, more mature, that your fantasies change; they become almost more "realistic" if that makes any sense.

My apartment complex is really noisy, so I usually have my tv on for background noise I actually don't mind. So, this TV show is on and I'm only less than 1/2 listening to what's going on.  I'm suddenly caught off guard by a scene that I can only DREAM would ever happen to me.  I know what you're probably thinking -- romantic engagement proposal, big wedding, amazing romantic-such and such.  Nope.  

The woman in the scene was crying uncontrollably, obviously very upset/sad/destroyed about something.  Curled up on her side, in the middle of a bed; just crying alone.  I can totally relate to that -- been there done that way too many times to count.  Suddenly, from behind her comes a tentative hand...the hand of what I think was her boyfriend (could have been a husband..but they were a couple).  She brushed off his hand and moved away from him, intent on dealing with her pain on her own.  He refused to let her do that, moving in against her back and putting his arms around her.  She thrashed against him, screaming and crying and begging to be left alone.  He refused ... he held on tight and rocked her as she cried.  Never once asking what was wrong, how he could fix it or what he could do to help her feel better.  He knew exactly what she needed; someone to hold her together as she fell apart.   Someone strong enough to handle her crying, and screaming, and breaking into a million pieces.  Someone to be her shelter in the middle of  a storm.  That one person she didn't feel obligated to be strong in front of all the time, because he could be strong enough for both of them sometimes.

That, right there, is one of my biggest fantasies.  To have that significant other that knows me well enough to hold me when I fall apart; that's not afraid to see me cry, that doesn't need consoling when I fall apart.  Someone I know I can break in front of and not worry that it's going to destroy us.

You may think that's a simple request, but to be completely honest with you; I haven't found anyone that fits that description yet.  Especially lately.  It seems the more dramatic my life gets (whether it's financial drama, parental drama (albeit most of my parental drama is on the positive side), or medical drama) the more difficult it is to find someone that's strong enough to handle it.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not asking anyone to handle my problems for me.  They are my problems and I deal with them the best I can.  Most times I do a damn good job at it.  However, there are days that it gets to be too much, and I want someone that I can lean on, talk to, cry around (or even cry with); knowing that I don't have to pick up their pieces when I'm done.

Selfish? Maybe, I haven't found the answer to that question yet.  I'd like to think that it's not that selfish of a request, but maybe I'm wrong.  Maybe what I'm asking for is too much for someone to do?  Right or wrong, it doesn't make my fantasy any less real to me, or any lower on my wish list.

So, there you have it, Kittens.  My little fantasy.  Don't ask me why I've decided to share it with you -- because I'm really not sure.  It's a bit personal .. and seems a bit weak minded .. but it's part of who I am.  Sharing the personal stuff, as difficult as it might be, is one of the reasons I write for you.

Have I told you lately that I appreciate you?  And I adore you for reading my ramblings?   Be kind to each other.  <3

1 comment:

The Quiet Man said...

Folks live in their own heads far to much. Life is simple, its people that make it complicated, and perspective is everything I think. You're an amazing woman that has lived threw hell, more then once, and that is bound to change your perspective. And not in a bad way. We are the complicated sum of all our thoughts, regardless of how contradicting they may be, and if the answer to that equation is a fantasy about something simple then so be it. Besides, you never know. What quietly resides in your mind may be the answer to someone else desire. ~bear hugs~