Hey Kittens! Yesterday, I stared at this page for about 20 minutes and had a whole lot to say, and no clue how to say it. Today, I started out pretty much the same, though I finally received the inspiration I was looking for.
As I deal with yet another round of medical "news" I've been getting a whole lot of friends that are trying to help. I realize that people mean the best, and only want me to be "ok" but the fact of the matter is; there is no OK for me. And sometimes when they insist on "helping" it only makes things worse. You see, when we find out that someone we love or care for is sick, we do what we think is right for them. Most of the time, that includes "you need to start resting more" "Stop working the haunt, it's too much for your body" "You need to keep in mind that the harder you work, the less energy you have to heal yourself."
Well, all of that is fine, if you're willing to lay down and start dying. I'm not quite there yet. Yes, there are days when I wonder why I insist on fighting what's turning out to be a losing battle, but most days I realize I'm here for purpose. I'm here to Inspire others to live a life worth living, to show love and respect to others, and above all to LIVE a life. Not just survive it.
As I was messaging a friend this morning, I received the following in my chat box "don't spend so much time trying to stay alive that you never get to live". It's perfect for my situation, and I couldn't thank him enough for saying it to me. He was sure to tell me that it wasn't original to him, and that he remembers seeing it somewhere before. However, that's not the point. The fact of the matter is, he remembered it in JUST the right time to remind me that no matter what's going on... living life is more than just staying alive.
During this most recent round of medical drama, I've gotten a whole lot of people telling me what I should and shouldn't be doing. "You're not still acting at Bloodview are you?" "You should be working from home" "You need to take time off work." "Do NOT plan on making dinner, I'll bring something over". And on and on the list goes. They are well intended and amazing friends of mine, but I don't think they realize that acting at Bloodview, working (even going into the office), and trying to keep my own house clean and myself fed are not a part of surviving. They are a part of living. Living and surviving are not the the same thing.
In my opinion, as harsh as it can be, surviving means staying alive as long as you can to ensure the people in your life have enough time to cope with what is imminent. Living, on the other hand, means doing the things you enjoy, pushing yourself to the limits, and getting the most out of every moment you have. When you're like me and you spend 40 hours a week at work (ok, it's usually closer to 45), and upwards of 20 hours a week at the hospital... you want whatever time you have left in the week to be worth living. The haunt does that for me .. as does making meals (especially for others), and - gasp - even cleaning my house.
Yes, I push myself to the very limits. Sometimes that causes a rift between myself and my Doctors, but that's our issue to deal with. There are times that pushing myself makes me need a day or two of bedrest, or more time at the Doctors. You know what? It's worth it. Because without it, all I am is someone laying around waiting for that final sleep. Not acceptable for me.
I live to LIVE, not to survive. Some days may be better than others, and sometimes I break down in the dark and quiet and feel sorry for myself. Sometimes I wish someone would lie to me and tell me that it's all going to be OK. Somedays I just want someone to lean on that will be strong enough to understand and soft enough to cry with me. Someone that I don't have to turn around and counsel in return. However, most days I take life by the horns and get the very most out of it.
Oh Fates, how you amuse me. As I'm writing this, a song pops up on my playlist. Tim McGraw is currently singing "Live Like You Were Dying". If you're not familiar with this song it's about a gentleman who is diagnosed with cancer in his early 40s. His friend (the singer of the song) asks what he does when he finds out that this might be the end. His response is simple: skydiving, climbing the Rockies bull riding, and a list of other things he's always wanted to do. He truly lives like he's dying.
Do you? Do you live your life like this could be your last year, your last month, your last day? Do you show the people in your life what they mean to you (notice I said show, not tell. ACTIONS are what matter, Kittens)? Do you take life by the horns and ride it for the whole 8 seconds? Do you stop for a moment, breathe, and relax knowing that you have love in your life, laughter in your heart, and light in your soul? If not, then maybe it's time for you to stop, step back, and re-evaluate how you are living your life.
Remember, it's not about the number of moments we breath, but by how many moments take our breath away.
Much love Kittens.
Be at peace with yourself and you will be at peace with the world.