As usual, it's been way too long between posts; and I'll be honest, I've been avoiding writing. It's a selfish thing, in a way; as I hate writing when I'm not in the proper state of mind. I validate it by saying it's not fair to my readers to listen to me lamenting about my lot in life. However, as I woke up this morning at 2am and couldn't fall back asleep - my mind reminded me that I'm NOT the only one on the planet going through the things I go through. I'm also not the only one in a dark and desperate state of mind - although the paths others have been on may be different; we are in the same thick of trees.
I showered -- well, technically I just stood under the water pretending it was rain and trying to clear my head -- and when I got out and looked in the mirror I saw quite a few things. The scars of the past 15 years at the hands of my amazing team of Doctors. The bruises and bandages from 8 hours at the hospital yesterday. The bags under my eyes from too many nights of not sleeping like I should. The red, swollen eyes and nose of someone who spends too many hours crying onto her pillow - or her cat (poor Fatboy). A body that has been inflated due to a destroyed metabolism and shrunk back down due dietary restrictions. A sternum that houses a heart that's bruised and broken in both the literal and figurative terms. And ONE specific tattoo. This tattoo, although small and insignificant to most, is probably the one that gets me through most days. It's located on my right collar bone and is one simple word, in lovely script: Inspire.
I realized that I go through these things to help others through them. That, even in the darkest times, there is a reason to get dressed, leave the house and continue on. And that reason is pretty simple: it's to remind people that if we choose, we can OVERCOME our obstacles. It reminds me to teach others that even when things are not perfect in our lives, we can CHOOSE not to let them be the driving factor of our lives. It helps me live in a fashion that proves that when the going gets tough, the TOUGH choose to live a day at a time, and NOT focus all our effort on how hard things are. It's a simple reminder, to myself, that I have a responsibility to others to prove that a person is MORE than their diagnosis and that being sick is NOT a lifestyle, it's just a part of our individual reality.
Don't get me wrong, there are days (and sometimes weeks) when doing these things is harder than others. I'm running into that as we speak, as another round of Medical BS is tossed my way. I have a "counselor" that I go to on a regular basis, but - honestly - she doesn't help me all that much. She listens and says the right things, but I know she's never been through what I have, so she doesn't really understand. In the past, I've tried talking to friends about what's going on .. but in one aspect or the other, it usually backfires. Either they freak out about a specific test, diagnosis, the fact that there are needles or blood involved, or some other reason - and I end up helping them calm down and tell them "it's all going to be OK." Other times, I tell them, and they either start making jokes or don't take things seriously - and it tells me that this is not the right person to tell these things to. And, of course, there are the friends that when I start talking about things, they start in about their own situations, and I end up being the counselor versus the one being helped. There is ONE exception to the rule, but being the person that I am; I refuse to be a burden so I don't talk to this person about things nearly as much as I'd like (or I should.. depending on how you want to look at things). I'm confident that said person wouldn't think twice about helping regardless of how many times I called, texted, messaged or cried on their shoulder. However, there is more to life than crisis, and I don't want this person to see me constantly in "crisis" mode...there are other aspects to me. No matter how many times I lean on this person, they are ALWAYS there ... and it seems saying thank you is never quite enough. (&*#$*(Q@#$& it's just frustrating, I suppose.
Well, that was a bit off topic, but sometimes you need to know where I am to understand the messages I send. As I said earlier, I've found myself in this terribly dark place in my head...a place that not only makes me very sad, but scares the crap out of me. I'm alone in my little dark place, but I know I'm not the only one in this place. Many of us have been there at one point or another -- and I've found myself crawling out occasionally only to slide back in. I also know, somewhere deep inside me, that I won't be here forever...that I'll find my way out and not wallow here. I will persevere, I will thrive, and I WILL make a difference in lives.
Here is the long and short of this blog -- if there is one. It seems to be a bit scattered, but I'm posting it anyways. WE ARE NEVER ALONE. Even in the darkest hour, in the middle of crisis, in the midst of chaos and desolation, we are not alone. There is someone that you can reach out to, that will give you their hand, their heart, their logic, their understanding. They will pull you through, and help you, once again, find your inner light. YOU are not alone, you have me - and many other people that love you and will help you though anything. All you really have to do is reach out and ask. I'm working on that part -- I personally suck at it. Maybe together we can figure it all out!
Much love kittens. Remember to live your life with an open heart, and open mind, and open eyes. See the things around you, make a difference, show love and compassion. Everyone deserves happiness, even YOU. So accept it when it's given, multiply it in your heart, and give it out to others.
Live and peace with yourself and you will be at peace with the world.