You know .. I was really struggling trying to write this and trying to figure out if I should even publish. Then I talked to my amazing, wonderful daughter and she had excellent advice for me. “though, who <cares> if you're being selfish and whiny.... if things that people are doing make you feel that way, then they deserve to know exactly how upset it's making you.” So here it is. Unfiltered and basically unedited. Mostly because I know if I start editing it, you’ll never get to see what I actually wrote.
I’ve been trying so hard to pretend to be happy, to accept the things in my life that are depleting every ounce of happiness I’ve worked so hard to obtain. I’m failing at it … especially lately. Happiness has become an elusive dream that I can only attain for others.
This weekend and next is going to break me into eight hundred seventy four thousand two hundred and twelve and three fourths pieces. Yes, I’ve counted. ;) But that doesn’t matter, because people in my life who expect certain things out of me will be getting exactly what they expect. And that’s what matters, right? Right?
There are a ton of things this weekend that I wanted to do – most I already had planned - and because of obligations and situations that have become completely out of my control; I don’t get to do any of them.
My annual retreat (that I’ve only missed once in the past 7 years) I can’t go for two reasons. Mainly financial, I just couldn’t justify the extra cost this year. And one lack of transportation, it’s hard to walk that far with the amount of things I take to the weekend.
Seeing Sami perform in her Winterguard troupe... again. For the third and fourth performances this season. It’s killing me knowing that it’s a very real possibility that I won’t get to any of them. As a mom, I want to be at everything she does; but this is significant as it’s her age out year for the group she’s in… and I’m sitting her watching reruns because I can’t be there to support her live.
Friday night’s concert. I desperately want to see Keith perform, supporting friends peripherally doesn’t mean much to me. If I am going to support someone, I want it to be REALLY supporting someone. He’s opening Friday night and I can’t be there for him.
I FINALLY signed up for a painting class with a new friend (good thing the deposit is transferable to another class). I’ve been wanting to do another class forever, and I finally found one. So I’ll just have to wait until I can find something else, and hope I have a way to get there.
Sunday’s Superbowl party … even though I’m still cooking for it, I won’t be actually ATTENDING the party (sorry guys, enjoy the chili without me!) Technically, from a timing perspective I could probably still make kickoff and I know they wouldn’t mind (even though I said I’d help with prep and decoration) but I have to ration my energy and it will be significantly depleted by then.
Let’s not even discuss next weekend, when the ONE movie I want to see with my boyfriend opens, Valentines day lands and I’ll be 200 miles away sitting in a house with no way to go anywhere.
So forgive me if I seem a little distant or I get short with you. I have no amazing words of wisdom or helpful tips to improve your life with today. Honestly, I have nothing left in me to pretend with and I’m very, very tired.
But watch, because when it comes down to it, I'll be smiling, pretending and you'll never notice difference. It's what I've been doing for years and no one has noticed yet.