Monday, November 26, 2012

The Disposable Girlfriend

Most of the blogs I write are scripted to help you - my beloved reader. Sometimes, like today, I need to write for myself.  Consider it my own personal type of therapy.  You see, kittens,  with as much counseling as I do for others - and even with the counseling I go to for myself, there are times I have so much flooding my mind that I just need to get it out.

You see, although I do go to formal counseling, and I have for years, it's usually because I need to unload the "ick" I've picked up from counseling others.  To discuss how I have failed someone else.  I very rarely talk about the things that are bothering me -- don't ask me why; it's just a fact at this point.

Now, I know what you're saying (are you talking out loud to your computer screen at me?) "Why don't you talk to one of your friends?"  The painful truth of the matter is simple; I don't really have one of THOSE friends I an talk to.  That someone that can sit and listen, without judgement, without making it about them, and without somehow making me feel worse about the situation than I already do.  Sami (my wonderful, smart, and incredibly open-minded daughter) is ALWAYS there for me..and we have talked about this a bit.  I know I can talk to her about anything and everything; I just don't feel like it's "fair" to unload all my bullshit on her -- she's got enough to deal with!  However, Rayven always knows when something is bugging me and when she asks I always tell her the truth.  I also have Chester; but he's 2193847 miles away and sometimes the time zones don't jive, or our schedules... and sometimes it's hard to convey what you want to say via Instant Message.  So this is my attempt to unload - in my own way.

So, forgive me in advance if things sound cryptic and unspecific.  I'm going to try to do this without showing too much of my MiM (Monster in the Mirror) and without calling out anyone specific that may be involved in my recent failures.

So Here Goes.

Do you think that Lady Karma gives you what she thinks you deserve AFTER she reviews your Karmic Wheel?  For example, you do nice things for people, are kind and generous and your Karma Wheel is filled with good vibes.  If you are mean to people, treat them poorly,are disloyal or downright horrible then your Karma Wheel is filled with negativity.  Lady Karma reviews your wheel and provides to you accordingly. Right?  Right.  I'd like to think so.

However, lately it seems Lady Karma has been giving me lessons based on my future transgressions.  At the risk of sounding odd and a bit pretentious; I know exactly what kind of person I am and what is on my Karmic Wheel.  So why is it that I'm constantly being handed the sharp end of the Sword?   Just so you're aware, I'm not talking about medical things -- I know Lady Karma (nor the Powers the Be) does not hand out medical complications and illness; that is a purely physical and scientific thing.  I would never blame Lady Karma or The Powers that Be for my illnesses and resulting complications.

I'm talking about a much more personal level.  The level that, regardless of whether or not we'll admit it, is so very important to all of us.  Our relationships with others.  I'll be the first to admit that I'm difficult to deal with and impossible to manage; hell I should have it as a tattoo.  I also know I'm not the pick of the litter when it comes to body structure or health.  I do, however, have my positive attributes, and in my opinion they outweigh my negative ones.  Well, at least they do to me.  I won't list them for you; if you know me well enough you should be able to figure out what they are.  If you don't know me that well, you'll just have to trust me; or ask around.

For all of my positive attributes; one question remains unanswered.  Why in the HELL can't I have a solid, stable, mature(ish), relationship?   Don't get me wrong, I don't dislike being single.  However, it seems whenever I find myself interested in someone, they are on one of two ends of the relationship pool.  They either start talking "let's get married" right away (yea, no) and completely smother me -- wanting to spend every waking moment together, constantly texting or callng and getting upset if I don't respond right away. OR they want to keep me like a dirty little secret.  They are perfectly happy with me spending time with them, behind closed doors but certainly not out in public or in front of other people.  Funny, when I think about it - my last semi-stable relationship started that same way; it took a third party to "push" them into making things official and public.  It seems that this second group of people is more predominant in my life than the first.  Apparently I'm the worlds best "disposable girlfriend".  I'm perfectly acceptable as a choice until someone better comes around or to fill in the gaps between relationships.  To be perfectly honest I'd much prefer to be somewhere in the middle of these two places.

So, I find myself trying to answer these questions:  What am I not learning or changing in my life to stop this pattern?   It's certainly not a pattern I like - nor a pattern I want to continue.  Do I have to commit to a serious, long term relationship with someone immediately in order to have someone in my life?  Am I just destined to be the disposable girlfriend due to the baggage that comes along with loving me?  Will I  have to change what I want in a person, how I want to live my life, and what I expect in a relationship in order to find a slice of happiness?  Is settling an option?  What about crazy cat lady?

So, there you have it kittens. The long and short of what's bugging me recently.  Will I make any significant changes in my life at this moment?  Probably not - because I don't necessarily see anything that's blatantly wrong.  I want the people in my life to continue to be there - whatever that entails.  Will something change in the future - potentially.  Will I start making ultimatums to the people I care for and spend time with?  FUCK NO .. that's not how I operate.  If I don't like the way things are in my life,it's up to me to change them..not others.

Well, kittens and mewlings (welcome to the new readers, by the way) that was a LOT less specific than I intended it to be. And although I'm very tempted, and trained, to go back and change it -- to make it less specific and more positive, I'm not going to.   It's out there now, and although I don't immediately feel better for saying it all out loud, I think I will eventually.  T

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