OK, seriously ...what is it with people's obsessive desire to have their noses (and their running mouths) constantly in other people's personal business? I've seen more relationships, friendships and potential long-term happiness ruined by rumors and assumptions than I care to recount.
It seems just about anywhere I go, someone is trying to talk about someone else behind their back. "Did you hear that Joe is cheating on Jane?" "Wow..did he tell you that?" "No, Mary heard Jill talking to Steve about it last week in the back room. Can you believe it? What a jerk .. using Jane like that just because she has money." Suddenly Jane gets wind of it, assumes that it's true because 13,291 people told her different versions of the rumor and she dumps Joe. Was he really cheating on her? Who knows, but the damage is already done.
It's been said that weak-minded individuals start rumors to make themselves feel better, out of jealousy, or just because they are plain mean. They don't like a certain individual, or in some cases like another individual better (scenario: Stacy likes Jim. Jim likes Gale. Jim's friend likes Stacy better) and they start a rumor about said individual. They don't care if it's true or even if it's remotely in the ballpark of what someone would do. They just tell the right two or three people and BAM... wildfire. The rumor is spread through the social networks (and thanks to places like Twitter and Facebook -- all over the world) in a matter of hours.
Many people, including some of you, may be thinking to yourself "well it's just a rumor. If YOU know it's not true, then what's the big deal?" The fact of the matter is, you can't help what other people are going to say and do, or what they are going to believe. The big deal arises when relationships, friendships, and sometimes LIVES are ruined when a rumor is started and gets into the wrong hands. I am not exaggerating when I say that lives can be ruined with a rumor. Let's say Noah has 2 young kids; he's been fighting his ex-wife for full custody of his kids for years. His ex-wife's best friend decides to "help" by starting a rumor that he was sexually harassing a student at the school he is a teacher at. Authorities get a hold of this "rumor", he's suspended from his job, and loses custody of his kids because of it. His life is forever changed, as are his kid's lives, all because someone couldn't keep their nose out of his business.
Lately, I've had more knives in by back than usual, it's getting a bit crowded back there. You'd think if people didn't like me THAT much, that they'd look me in the eye and tell me. Instead they spread rumors, share my personal information and stories with others, and generally try to make my life as difficult and as sad as possible. Some days they succeed. Other days they don't. Although I attempt to let it roll off my back as much as possible, sometimes these viscous little liars get the better of me; usually when someone I care about gets caught in the cross fire.
You see, you can attack me all you want but do NOT involve the people who are important to me. That's where I draw the line and start calling you out on the carpet. Don't think I won't do it.. because I will. I don't care who you are, how "important" you are, or who your friends and connections are; if you start screwing with the happiness and well being of the people most important to me, you WILL be confronted about it and the situation will be handled. I just don't tolerate that kind of behavior in my life.
So, there you have it kittens. My personal little stance on the rumor thing, believing what you hear from others, and making assumptions. If you don't hear something directly from a person, do NOT assume what you hear is true. Don't repeat it. And above all else, don't talk about anyone's business but your own.
Be KIND, be compassionate, think about how your actions and words affect other people. Remember that YOU are responsible for more than just yourself when you decide to put someone else's name in your mouth.
Kittens, please I beg you, spread LOVE before it's too late.
Monday, December 10, 2012
Monday, November 26, 2012
The Disposable Girlfriend
Most of the blogs I write are scripted to help you - my beloved reader. Sometimes, like today, I need to write for myself. Consider it my own personal type of therapy. You see, kittens, with as much counseling as I do for others - and even with the counseling I go to for myself, there are times I have so much flooding my mind that I just need to get it out.
You see, although I do go to formal counseling, and I have for years, it's usually because I need to unload the "ick" I've picked up from counseling others. To discuss how I have failed someone else. I very rarely talk about the things that are bothering me -- don't ask me why; it's just a fact at this point.
Now, I know what you're saying (are you talking out loud to your computer screen at me?) "Why don't you talk to one of your friends?" The painful truth of the matter is simple; I don't really have one of THOSE friends I an talk to. That someone that can sit and listen, without judgement, without making it about them, and without somehow making me feel worse about the situation than I already do. Sami (my wonderful, smart, and incredibly open-minded daughter) is ALWAYS there for me..and we have talked about this a bit. I know I can talk to her about anything and everything; I just don't feel like it's "fair" to unload all my bullshit on her -- she's got enough to deal with! However, Rayven always knows when something is bugging me and when she asks I always tell her the truth. I also have Chester; but he's 2193847 miles away and sometimes the time zones don't jive, or our schedules... and sometimes it's hard to convey what you want to say via Instant Message. So this is my attempt to unload - in my own way.
So, forgive me in advance if things sound cryptic and unspecific. I'm going to try to do this without showing too much of my MiM (Monster in the Mirror) and without calling out anyone specific that may be involved in my recent failures.
So Here Goes.
Do you think that Lady Karma gives you what she thinks you deserve AFTER she reviews your Karmic Wheel? For example, you do nice things for people, are kind and generous and your Karma Wheel is filled with good vibes. If you are mean to people, treat them poorly,are disloyal or downright horrible then your Karma Wheel is filled with negativity. Lady Karma reviews your wheel and provides to you accordingly. Right? Right. I'd like to think so.
However, lately it seems Lady Karma has been giving me lessons based on my future transgressions. At the risk of sounding odd and a bit pretentious; I know exactly what kind of person I am and what is on my Karmic Wheel. So why is it that I'm constantly being handed the sharp end of the Sword? Just so you're aware, I'm not talking about medical things -- I know Lady Karma (nor the Powers the Be) does not hand out medical complications and illness; that is a purely physical and scientific thing. I would never blame Lady Karma or The Powers that Be for my illnesses and resulting complications.
I'm talking about a much more personal level. The level that, regardless of whether or not we'll admit it, is so very important to all of us. Our relationships with others. I'll be the first to admit that I'm difficult to deal with and impossible to manage; hell I should have it as a tattoo. I also know I'm not the pick of the litter when it comes to body structure or health. I do, however, have my positive attributes, and in my opinion they outweigh my negative ones. Well, at least they do to me. I won't list them for you; if you know me well enough you should be able to figure out what they are. If you don't know me that well, you'll just have to trust me; or ask around.
For all of my positive attributes; one question remains unanswered. Why in the HELL can't I have a solid, stable, mature(ish), relationship? Don't get me wrong, I don't dislike being single. However, it seems whenever I find myself interested in someone, they are on one of two ends of the relationship pool. They either start talking "let's get married" right away (yea, no) and completely smother me -- wanting to spend every waking moment together, constantly texting or callng and getting upset if I don't respond right away. OR they want to keep me like a dirty little secret. They are perfectly happy with me spending time with them, behind closed doors but certainly not out in public or in front of other people. Funny, when I think about it - my last semi-stable relationship started that same way; it took a third party to "push" them into making things official and public. It seems that this second group of people is more predominant in my life than the first. Apparently I'm the worlds best "disposable girlfriend". I'm perfectly acceptable as a choice until someone better comes around or to fill in the gaps between relationships. To be perfectly honest I'd much prefer to be somewhere in the middle of these two places.
So, I find myself trying to answer these questions: What am I not learning or changing in my life to stop this pattern? It's certainly not a pattern I like - nor a pattern I want to continue. Do I have to commit to a serious, long term relationship with someone immediately in order to have someone in my life? Am I just destined to be the disposable girlfriend due to the baggage that comes along with loving me? Will I have to change what I want in a person, how I want to live my life, and what I expect in a relationship in order to find a slice of happiness? Is settling an option? What about crazy cat lady?
So, there you have it kittens. The long and short of what's bugging me recently. Will I make any significant changes in my life at this moment? Probably not - because I don't necessarily see anything that's blatantly wrong. I want the people in my life to continue to be there - whatever that entails. Will something change in the future - potentially. Will I start making ultimatums to the people I care for and spend time with? FUCK NO .. that's not how I operate. If I don't like the way things are in my life,it's up to me to change them..not others.
Well, kittens and mewlings (welcome to the new readers, by the way) that was a LOT less specific than I intended it to be. And although I'm very tempted, and trained, to go back and change it -- to make it less specific and more positive, I'm not going to. It's out there now, and although I don't immediately feel better for saying it all out loud, I think I will eventually. T
You see, although I do go to formal counseling, and I have for years, it's usually because I need to unload the "ick" I've picked up from counseling others. To discuss how I have failed someone else. I very rarely talk about the things that are bothering me -- don't ask me why; it's just a fact at this point.
Now, I know what you're saying (are you talking out loud to your computer screen at me?) "Why don't you talk to one of your friends?" The painful truth of the matter is simple; I don't really have one of THOSE friends I an talk to. That someone that can sit and listen, without judgement, without making it about them, and without somehow making me feel worse about the situation than I already do. Sami (my wonderful, smart, and incredibly open-minded daughter) is ALWAYS there for me..and we have talked about this a bit. I know I can talk to her about anything and everything; I just don't feel like it's "fair" to unload all my bullshit on her -- she's got enough to deal with! However, Rayven always knows when something is bugging me and when she asks I always tell her the truth. I also have Chester; but he's 2193847 miles away and sometimes the time zones don't jive, or our schedules... and sometimes it's hard to convey what you want to say via Instant Message. So this is my attempt to unload - in my own way.
So, forgive me in advance if things sound cryptic and unspecific. I'm going to try to do this without showing too much of my MiM (Monster in the Mirror) and without calling out anyone specific that may be involved in my recent failures.
So Here Goes.
Do you think that Lady Karma gives you what she thinks you deserve AFTER she reviews your Karmic Wheel? For example, you do nice things for people, are kind and generous and your Karma Wheel is filled with good vibes. If you are mean to people, treat them poorly,are disloyal or downright horrible then your Karma Wheel is filled with negativity. Lady Karma reviews your wheel and provides to you accordingly. Right? Right. I'd like to think so.
However, lately it seems Lady Karma has been giving me lessons based on my future transgressions. At the risk of sounding odd and a bit pretentious; I know exactly what kind of person I am and what is on my Karmic Wheel. So why is it that I'm constantly being handed the sharp end of the Sword? Just so you're aware, I'm not talking about medical things -- I know Lady Karma (nor the Powers the Be) does not hand out medical complications and illness; that is a purely physical and scientific thing. I would never blame Lady Karma or The Powers that Be for my illnesses and resulting complications.
I'm talking about a much more personal level. The level that, regardless of whether or not we'll admit it, is so very important to all of us. Our relationships with others. I'll be the first to admit that I'm difficult to deal with and impossible to manage; hell I should have it as a tattoo. I also know I'm not the pick of the litter when it comes to body structure or health. I do, however, have my positive attributes, and in my opinion they outweigh my negative ones. Well, at least they do to me. I won't list them for you; if you know me well enough you should be able to figure out what they are. If you don't know me that well, you'll just have to trust me; or ask around.
For all of my positive attributes; one question remains unanswered. Why in the HELL can't I have a solid, stable, mature(ish), relationship? Don't get me wrong, I don't dislike being single. However, it seems whenever I find myself interested in someone, they are on one of two ends of the relationship pool. They either start talking "let's get married" right away (yea, no) and completely smother me -- wanting to spend every waking moment together, constantly texting or callng and getting upset if I don't respond right away. OR they want to keep me like a dirty little secret. They are perfectly happy with me spending time with them, behind closed doors but certainly not out in public or in front of other people. Funny, when I think about it - my last semi-stable relationship started that same way; it took a third party to "push" them into making things official and public. It seems that this second group of people is more predominant in my life than the first. Apparently I'm the worlds best "disposable girlfriend". I'm perfectly acceptable as a choice until someone better comes around or to fill in the gaps between relationships. To be perfectly honest I'd much prefer to be somewhere in the middle of these two places.
So, I find myself trying to answer these questions: What am I not learning or changing in my life to stop this pattern? It's certainly not a pattern I like - nor a pattern I want to continue. Do I have to commit to a serious, long term relationship with someone immediately in order to have someone in my life? Am I just destined to be the disposable girlfriend due to the baggage that comes along with loving me? Will I have to change what I want in a person, how I want to live my life, and what I expect in a relationship in order to find a slice of happiness? Is settling an option? What about crazy cat lady?
So, there you have it kittens. The long and short of what's bugging me recently. Will I make any significant changes in my life at this moment? Probably not - because I don't necessarily see anything that's blatantly wrong. I want the people in my life to continue to be there - whatever that entails. Will something change in the future - potentially. Will I start making ultimatums to the people I care for and spend time with? FUCK NO .. that's not how I operate. If I don't like the way things are in my life,it's up to me to change them..not others.
Well, kittens and mewlings (welcome to the new readers, by the way) that was a LOT less specific than I intended it to be. And although I'm very tempted, and trained, to go back and change it -- to make it less specific and more positive, I'm not going to. It's out there now, and although I don't immediately feel better for saying it all out loud, I think I will eventually. T
Thursday, November 22, 2012
Couldn't Be More Thankful
Here in the United States, today is Thanksgiving. It's a day, in history, when two very different cultures came together to feast and share their bounty with each other. It was a day of open hearts, open mindedness, love, and tolerance. In my mind, heart, and spirit; I live this every day. Today, however, is that day each year-- that third Thursday in November, where families, friends, and loved ones gather and share their love, spirit and hope with each other. And don't forget the food!
My list of blessings, the things I am thankful for, is endless. There are very few things in my life that I can't contribute to making me the person I am today. I'm only going to touch on a few of them .. but trust me when I tell you that the list goes on and on.
Samantha Rae Harper
My Daughter, Sami (aka Rayven, Smarmy, Be'be, The Baby, Babe, Hey You, etc.) is the single most amazing thing in my life. She is the reason I'm alive today - physically, emotionally and spiritually. Not only did she change my life on August 26, 1993; but she has saved my life more than once. She is my strength, my laughter, my support, and the light in my heart. I couldn't survive without her in my life. I am the luckiest Mom in the world to have the relationship I have with my daughter. We are able to talk about everything, have fun every time we're together, and when we fight, we fight like adults. We love each other, forgive each other, and are always there for each other. I couldn't be more proud of Sami -- watch the big screen you 're going to see her name there soon. Dragoste' Tu, Be'be
Kathy and Chuck Stout
My Mom and Daddy. The people responsible for bringing me into this world.. feel free to blame them. :D My parents are incredible. They are loving, open minded, and supportive of everything their kids and grandchildren want and need. My parents are always there for us no matter what we need and have shown me what it's really like to have an open mind and open heart. THANK YOU for showing me how to be a truly good person. I love you both!
Dawn Tarase
My OLDER sister... sorry it had to be done. My sister, Dawn is amazing. She's smart, funny, loving, supportive and a wonderful mother. She's an excellent sister and a fantastic daughter. She's the worlds best niece, and an incredible Aunt. We didn't get along so well when we were younger, that was my fault -- I was difficult and damn near impossible to love (some things never change). I'm SO thankful that we have the relationship we have now. Even through we don't talk as often as we probably should, and we don't see each other much -- we are not just sisters; we are friends as well. She opens her house (and her kitchen) every year for Sami and I to come over on the holidays (and just about any other time we feel the need to visit) and never complains about our obnoxiousness. Then again, she's can get pretty rowdy herself. Dawn -- thank you for putting up with your bratty little sister. Love you Bunches!
Haley and Tyler Tarase
Haley and Tyler -- my niece and nephew. WOW .. what can I say about them (that won't be held against me -- hahaha). They are great kids. Haley is an incredibly accomplished dancer as well as a cheerleader and a dance instructor. Tyler is an amazing father to his little boy and a great brother, son, and nephew. I love these two so much, and I always look forward to the time I get to spend with them. BIG things are in store for these two.
Debbie Deeb
The worlds most amazing Aunt. Aunt Debbie is one of the most incredible people I know. She's loving (my family has a history of being pretty spectacular people), supportive, and caring. She's a nurse and changes lives on a daily basis. She's always there for me, my sister, and the kids -- as well as my Mom and Dad whenever we need anything. She opens her heart and her home for us to visit- even if it's not as often as I'd like. The world wouldn't be what it is without her in it. SHE is a game changer, every day. Thank you, Aunt Debbie for your bravery, love, kindness and just being you.
Pat Loney
My Uncle Pat. I don't see him often, but I think about him all the time. He's an Inspiration to me, and to many other people. He's the one who taught me that it's alright to poke fun at yourself; especially when you're different from the "normals". He's shown me that even though you may have physical limitations, that doesn't mean you have limitations in life. Hands down..he's the reason I'm able to be so upbeat about things at times. THANK YOU for helping me understand that different is better than blending in.
Chester Edward Kiluk Jr.
Aside from Sami, Chester is my best friend in the whole world. He knows things about me that very few people know, and most likely knows me better than anyone on the planet (Sami excluded). I can talk to him about anything, anytime for as long as I need to. He will be open, honest, and tell me what I need to hear - whether I like it or not. I miss him terribly but I know I'll see him soon. So Thankful to have this incredible, smart, loving man in my life. What did I do to deserve it? <3 You Chester.
Fatboy, Carley and Buttons (Resting Peacefully)
My cats and the reason I'm a crazy cat lady. The best psychologists on the planet, living diaries (I'm SO glad they can't talk to anyone but me) and the best purrboxes ever. <3 <3
My Family
My endless list of Aunts, Uncles, and Cousins that I don't get to see often. I love you all and I miss you so much. I think a Family Reunion is in order ASAP! <3
My Friends
I have amazing friends. Bonnie, Geremy, Dave, J.D., Terry, Becky, Shari, Kate, Kathy, Michael, Mary, Christa .. the list goes on and on. I'm here for them as much as they are for me....and I love each and every of them so very much. <3 <3 THANK YOU for being in my life and allowing me to be in yours.
My Doctor and Medical Staff
What can I say -- they keep me alive, and I don't make it easy on them. They are the best, the brightest, and the most talented group of people in the Universe. I'm so lucky and so VERY thankful that I have them to keep me on track.
Medical Technology and Research
Medical advances and research of living things (including myself) is the sole reason I'm alive. Many of the treatments, surgeries, and medications I've had and still go through are experimental and if it wasn't for the chance to participate in Medical Research -- I wouldn't be here. Keep up the good fight.
My Boss and my EY Family
I have a great boss and an amazing family at my job. I love my job, the people I work with, and the amazing values the Firm stands for. If it wasn't for the ability to be flexible, I probably wouldn't be working. I can't thank them enough for their love and support.
LEGION
MY second family. The loving and amazing men and women that allow me to haunt the halls of Bloodview with them each year. I've never been in company of such incredibly talented people - from the costumes, to the makeup straight to the acting -- it's a place like no other. They have taught me so much and I'm so thankful that they've accepted me into their hearts and family. I am Legion for we are many. I LOVE YOU GUYS SO MUCH!
My Life
"I'm alive, and well". And some days that's all I can ask for. I'm awake, out of bed, and able to experience life. I COULD NOT BE MORE THANKFUL.
My Inspiration
My fellow Warriors, the kids in the cancer wards, the people at dialysis, my counsellees. The reason I live the life I do, trying to help others and Inspire them to live a happier life. Remember that YOU are the reason. And you know it.
My Gift and Opportunity to Inspire
I'm so very thankful and blessed to be able to be a successful public speaker, a informal counselor, and an Inspiration to others. I'm so lucky to be able to share my experiences and thoughts with other people in hopes that they realize they are not alone and that there is HELP out there for them.
YOU
You, my readers, the ones that read my seemingly endless blogs and let me do what I do best - write. I love each of you and am so thankful you take the time out of your day to read my stuff. <3
My list of blessings, the things I am thankful for, is endless. There are very few things in my life that I can't contribute to making me the person I am today. I'm only going to touch on a few of them .. but trust me when I tell you that the list goes on and on.
Samantha Rae Harper
My Daughter, Sami (aka Rayven, Smarmy, Be'be, The Baby, Babe, Hey You, etc.) is the single most amazing thing in my life. She is the reason I'm alive today - physically, emotionally and spiritually. Not only did she change my life on August 26, 1993; but she has saved my life more than once. She is my strength, my laughter, my support, and the light in my heart. I couldn't survive without her in my life. I am the luckiest Mom in the world to have the relationship I have with my daughter. We are able to talk about everything, have fun every time we're together, and when we fight, we fight like adults. We love each other, forgive each other, and are always there for each other. I couldn't be more proud of Sami -- watch the big screen you 're going to see her name there soon. Dragoste' Tu, Be'be
Kathy and Chuck Stout
My Mom and Daddy. The people responsible for bringing me into this world.. feel free to blame them. :D My parents are incredible. They are loving, open minded, and supportive of everything their kids and grandchildren want and need. My parents are always there for us no matter what we need and have shown me what it's really like to have an open mind and open heart. THANK YOU for showing me how to be a truly good person. I love you both!
Dawn Tarase
My OLDER sister... sorry it had to be done. My sister, Dawn is amazing. She's smart, funny, loving, supportive and a wonderful mother. She's an excellent sister and a fantastic daughter. She's the worlds best niece, and an incredible Aunt. We didn't get along so well when we were younger, that was my fault -- I was difficult and damn near impossible to love (some things never change). I'm SO thankful that we have the relationship we have now. Even through we don't talk as often as we probably should, and we don't see each other much -- we are not just sisters; we are friends as well. She opens her house (and her kitchen) every year for Sami and I to come over on the holidays (and just about any other time we feel the need to visit) and never complains about our obnoxiousness. Then again, she's can get pretty rowdy herself. Dawn -- thank you for putting up with your bratty little sister. Love you Bunches!
Haley and Tyler Tarase
Haley and Tyler -- my niece and nephew. WOW .. what can I say about them (that won't be held against me -- hahaha). They are great kids. Haley is an incredibly accomplished dancer as well as a cheerleader and a dance instructor. Tyler is an amazing father to his little boy and a great brother, son, and nephew. I love these two so much, and I always look forward to the time I get to spend with them. BIG things are in store for these two.
Debbie Deeb
The worlds most amazing Aunt. Aunt Debbie is one of the most incredible people I know. She's loving (my family has a history of being pretty spectacular people), supportive, and caring. She's a nurse and changes lives on a daily basis. She's always there for me, my sister, and the kids -- as well as my Mom and Dad whenever we need anything. She opens her heart and her home for us to visit- even if it's not as often as I'd like. The world wouldn't be what it is without her in it. SHE is a game changer, every day. Thank you, Aunt Debbie for your bravery, love, kindness and just being you.
Pat Loney
My Uncle Pat. I don't see him often, but I think about him all the time. He's an Inspiration to me, and to many other people. He's the one who taught me that it's alright to poke fun at yourself; especially when you're different from the "normals". He's shown me that even though you may have physical limitations, that doesn't mean you have limitations in life. Hands down..he's the reason I'm able to be so upbeat about things at times. THANK YOU for helping me understand that different is better than blending in.
Chester Edward Kiluk Jr.
Aside from Sami, Chester is my best friend in the whole world. He knows things about me that very few people know, and most likely knows me better than anyone on the planet (Sami excluded). I can talk to him about anything, anytime for as long as I need to. He will be open, honest, and tell me what I need to hear - whether I like it or not. I miss him terribly but I know I'll see him soon. So Thankful to have this incredible, smart, loving man in my life. What did I do to deserve it? <3 You Chester.
Fatboy, Carley and Buttons (Resting Peacefully)
My cats and the reason I'm a crazy cat lady. The best psychologists on the planet, living diaries (I'm SO glad they can't talk to anyone but me) and the best purrboxes ever. <3 <3
My Family
My endless list of Aunts, Uncles, and Cousins that I don't get to see often. I love you all and I miss you so much. I think a Family Reunion is in order ASAP! <3
My Friends
I have amazing friends. Bonnie, Geremy, Dave, J.D., Terry, Becky, Shari, Kate, Kathy, Michael, Mary, Christa .. the list goes on and on. I'm here for them as much as they are for me....and I love each and every of them so very much. <3 <3 THANK YOU for being in my life and allowing me to be in yours.
My Doctor and Medical Staff
What can I say -- they keep me alive, and I don't make it easy on them. They are the best, the brightest, and the most talented group of people in the Universe. I'm so lucky and so VERY thankful that I have them to keep me on track.
Medical Technology and Research
Medical advances and research of living things (including myself) is the sole reason I'm alive. Many of the treatments, surgeries, and medications I've had and still go through are experimental and if it wasn't for the chance to participate in Medical Research -- I wouldn't be here. Keep up the good fight.
My Boss and my EY Family
I have a great boss and an amazing family at my job. I love my job, the people I work with, and the amazing values the Firm stands for. If it wasn't for the ability to be flexible, I probably wouldn't be working. I can't thank them enough for their love and support.
LEGION
MY second family. The loving and amazing men and women that allow me to haunt the halls of Bloodview with them each year. I've never been in company of such incredibly talented people - from the costumes, to the makeup straight to the acting -- it's a place like no other. They have taught me so much and I'm so thankful that they've accepted me into their hearts and family. I am Legion for we are many. I LOVE YOU GUYS SO MUCH!
My Life
"I'm alive, and well". And some days that's all I can ask for. I'm awake, out of bed, and able to experience life. I COULD NOT BE MORE THANKFUL.
My Inspiration
My fellow Warriors, the kids in the cancer wards, the people at dialysis, my counsellees. The reason I live the life I do, trying to help others and Inspire them to live a happier life. Remember that YOU are the reason. And you know it.
My Gift and Opportunity to Inspire
I'm so very thankful and blessed to be able to be a successful public speaker, a informal counselor, and an Inspiration to others. I'm so lucky to be able to share my experiences and thoughts with other people in hopes that they realize they are not alone and that there is HELP out there for them.
YOU
You, my readers, the ones that read my seemingly endless blogs and let me do what I do best - write. I love each of you and am so thankful you take the time out of your day to read my stuff. <3
Friday, October 26, 2012
6 Months? Yea, Right!
“You have about six months without a viable treatment option”. I heard these words close to 15 years
ago - and again this week. I turns out the “non-event” tumor that the
Doctors found on my bladder is, indeed, quite the event. It has permeated the interior wall of the
bladder and has made itself at home.
Under “normal” circumstances, the specialists would schedule surgery to
remove the tumor, and possibly part of the bladder, and call it a day. However, it’s not very safe for me to have
surgery that involves general anesthesia.
The last time we tried that, I had a heart attack and I’m not really up
to doing that again!
So, we’re trapped at this crossroads of what the specialist sees
as the best course of action, what the cardiologist sees as a VERY bad idea,
and what my Doctor deems appropriate (or not) for me. If we play “status quo”, the most likely
scenario is bladder failure and gestation and spreading of the cancer. Pair
that with the other organs that have gone on strike, and it’s just a matter of
time.
However, my Doctor is a bit more stubborn than that. “This is NOT an option” she told the
specialists “so get off your asses and FIND something that will work.” Have I mentioned how much I adore my primary
Oncologist? She has an extensive
knowledge of the medical field, “friends in high places”, and the most amazing
will to help me survive – and more importantly - LIVE. Actually, the whole scene was quite entertaining
to witness. Picture this; a very petite
man (i.e., the specialist that gave me the 6 months) sitting in a chair. All prim and proper with his glasses and his
spotless white coat. Being very matter
of fact – which I very much appreciate – about the current situation. He stated all the facts and summed up
everything very well. “If we can’t do surgery to remove the cancer,
it’s going to get aggressive and start spreading. If we can’t complete a cycle or two of
chemotherapy or radiation because your system can’t process it, there is no stopping
it. Therefore, without a viable
treatment option, you’ll live about 6 months.
I highly suggest you looking into End of Life options including
extensive pain management and Hospice.”
He’s a great doctor and he’s doing exactly what he should be doing.
Enter: My
Doctor. She’s 6’5’’ and has a very
strong voice. She strides over to him
and leans over him – towering over him so his neck is craned way back. She speaks so loudly that I’m pretty sure people
in Arkansas heard her. “That is NOT an option. She hasn’t fought this hard, for this long
just for YOU to come in and say “sorry I refuse to think out of the box so buy
a f@%King casket . *yes, those are her
words exactly* You’d better get on the damn phone with EVERYONE you know and
get this figured out or you’re going to face something you’ve never wanted to
deal with.”
I sat back and just smirked – this isn’t the first time I’ve
seen my Doctor do this. When she was done,
she turned around to me and just smiled.
My first response was “Bloodview – 6pm Friday or Saturday night. PLEASE. .. let me put you in a set.” I’ve
been trying to get her to come up and act for years now, still no luck. L
Needless to say, it’s been quite a rough week for me. I have total faith in my Doctor and her team
to get me through just about anything.
However, the fact of the matter is, the body can only take so much, and
eventually it’s not going to want to work anymore. I don’t foresee that happening anytime soon –
I have too much yet to do.
When I was first diagnosed, nearly 15 years ago, I told
myself I had one goal. To see my little
girl graduate from High School. That
goal is what kept me going through the treatments, the hair loss, the weight
loss – and gain – and loss – and gain, the pain and everything else. I saw her graduate and am continuing to witness
her grow into a mature, responsible, incredible young woman.
I have a new goal – and that’s to be there when she gets
married. It may not happen for many,
many years; and that’s fine with me. She’s
happy and healthy and gives me something to live for every single day. This new goal is set and I WILL see it
through. When Sami finds that perfect
person that she wants to spend the rest of her life with; I want to be there
for the dress fittings, the cake tastings, and the tears during the
ceremony. I want to watch her toss her
bouquet, dance with her Husband, and celebrate with her family and
friends. I will be there when they drive
away to start their new life together.
And who knows, maybe in the mean time; I’ll find my own piece of
happiness with someone?
So, listen up kittens.
Life is shorter than you expect; it goes quicker than you realize. We can all be taken at any given time – so don’t
waste it on hate. Don’t waste your life
on sorrow, regret, or unhappiness. Live
your life like it’s your last day; showing the people in your life how much you
love them, and what they mean to you.
Experience joy and share it with others.
Make the world a better place by striving to be a happy and positive
force in the world. Then, when your end
of days arrives, you will leave with zero regrets. Trust me, I know.
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
Forgiveness and Moving On
Hi again, kittens.
So, the other day I posted a blog about my Very Emotional Weekend and I ended up in quite a few interesting conversations about it. All in all, the conversations were very good, most of them helping people understand where I was, and how I was dealing with everything. During these conversations, there seemed to be a common question asked by quite a few different people "How in the world did you forgive THAT?"
My answer is simple; forgiveness is essential to happiness. If you continue to hold in negative feelings towards a person or a situation, you can never find true happiness. Granted, forgiveness is not always easy - sometimes it feels down-right impossible. I say to you this, beloved readers, NOTHING is impossible (except maybe slamming a revolving door or forcing your Husband to birth your next child). All kidding aside, you know exactly what I'm saying. Forgiving even the most difficult things, the largest betrayals, the deepest pain, is possible. You just have to WANT to do it.
You may asking yourself - or me - "Shouldn't the person you are trying to forgive need to WANT to be forgiven? Shouldn't they admit what they did was wrong before you forgive them?" My answer to that is NO. Forgiving someone for something they have done is a personal choice -- it is a choice for YOU, not for them. This choice that you are making is because you are ready to forgive the person for what they have done and move forward with your life. There are times when the person may not understand how or why they hurt you; but their mindset doesn't matter. Yours does. When we don't forgive someone, we can never move forward from what they did. That person - or their act - is holding you back from your happiness; and it will continue to do that until you forgive them.
Yes, some things are easier to forgive then others. A friend says something that hurts your feelings or embarrasses you in public; you give it a few hours and you forgive them. Never to be brought up again (or at least it SHOULDN'T be - that's a topic for another blog). Some things are much more difficult to forgive and take much more time. A cheating spouse, a beloved friend who steals from you, even a violent crime can be forgiven with the right time and the right mind set.
I won't tell you I know everything about all betrayals or how you're feeling about any particular thing you may have experienced. I can, however, tell you that I've done my fair share of forgiving - for the small things and the big things. The fact of the matter is, I try not to blog about things that I don't have a personal experience about, because I don't want you to think I'm just "lip service" or trying to convince you to do something that's not actually possible.
When I was in High School, I was the victim of a very violent sexual assault by the brother of a close friend of mine. I won't get into all the details (you don't really need to hear them) but I will tell you that it involved a weapon and a lot of details that are not welcome in my mind anymore. There was absolutely NO 'creepy' factor to this guy -- zero warning signs that something like this would happen. I had been left alone with him more than once in a semi-social setting, and never had an inclination of what he was capable of. Then one evening after two and a half hours of hell, my life was changed forever.
I'll admit that for the longest time, I was pretty screwed up about what happened. Many of my relationships suffered; mostly because for the longest time, nobody knew what happened to me. All they knew is that I was very distant and had a really hard time trusting anyone. So, very few people really wanted to be around me. A couple of my true friends stuck around, and thanks to a VERY amazing friend; I finally told my parents. I don't think I ever properly thanked him for caring so much as to ensure I got the help I needed. So thank you, Terry. You saved me more than you realize.
It took me a LONG time to forgive the person who did this to me. I went through a lot of anger, grief, denial, and hardship before I realized the only way I would be able to move forward and find happiness again was to forgive him. I'll be honest, I thought my therapist at the time was utterly insane when she told me that I needed to forgive him. I considered not even going back to her and finding someone that would accept me holding on to my anger and hatred towards this person. Then she reminded me of a very simple thing. "What he did to you is not going to change. The past is what it is. How much of it you allow to be in your present is your choice. His motivations, his current mindset, or the fact that he doesn't care what he did does not matter to you. What matters is how YOU cope with it."
After a few sexual assault courses and a few courses on self defense I realized that he and what he did to me does not control who I am. Nor does it define who I am or what kind of Partner I would make for the right person. It's in the past, and after many years of self-destructive behavior, awful relationships, and a LOT of soul searching; I finally forgave him. I moved past what he did to me, and came to terms with it. I learned a lot about myself and about what it takes to overcome difficult obstacles. Strange, when I look back on it now, it doesn't seem so big. The mountains I have faced since then are so much bigger, so much more important. Life and death in so many cases. In a way, I guess that first episode was "practice" for dealing with devastating things.
I've learned from my past, but I don't allow it to live in my present. I look forward to what (probably short) future I have; whether it's alone or with someone. I live to the fullest and find something to smile about every day - even when I need help finding my smile. I'm slow to trust, but quick to show people I love them. I don't invest easily, but when I do, it's all the way. I love those who allow it, and accept love from those who give it. None of these things would be possible if I still held onto this thing in my past. I would still be angry, hurt, and even more distant that I am now.
So, kittens. If you don't take anything else from this; please remember that YOUR personal happiness is what matters. Don't allow someone who has hurt you to continue to do so; it's not worth it. Forgive them, move forward, and ALWAYS remember that you're loved.
xoxo
Trinity
Monday, October 15, 2012
Life is Ever Evolving -- and so are we
This weekend, Saturday especially, was a really rough weekend for me. We won't get into the physical reasons -- they are a moot point sometimes. Emotionally -- things were just ... rough.
If you would have told me 5 years ago that I wouldn't have been doing what I had planned on Saturday; I would have told you that you were absolutely insane. That there is nothing that would ever get in the way of this day, and that I would FINALLY have it right.
Yeah, right. Life happens. Shit happens. People lie, betray and sometimes cheat. People change, and grow apart -- and sometimes they are forced apart. Even when they love each other completely, and even when THAT part change. Sometimes it just doesn't work.
For me, Saturday was filled with memories and quite a bit of sadness - even when I tried to over come myself -- I just found myself remembering another time; what feels like a lifetime ago. I remember love, and happiness and attentiveness. To be completely honest, I miss it. And I miss him - on a level that I know I'll never get back. I also know I'll never get that level back by his (and another's) actions -- and by my decision.
We are still very good friends, even though our lifestyles demand us to see very little of each other. We talk on a regular basis, Skype when we can, and once in a while I actually get to see him in person. OK, technically HIS lifestyle demands that; but once in a while I have a social life too. He's in a very happy, stable, amazing relationship with someone who loves and respects him, and whom he trusts and loves as well. That is what helps me when I'm feeling a bit sorry for myself... he's happier than he's ever been (and quite possibly happier than I could have made him). I couldn't be more thrilled for him.
So, yea, I just wanted to share with you where I was this weekend. I've healed and moved on, as has he. We talked yesterday (Sunday) and realized that neither of us were expecting the lack of Saturday's activity to be as difficult as it was.
Life is about change, challenge, and perseverance Sometimes you have to push physically, sometimes mentally, and sometimes, you just have to get over a mountain of emotions. Whatever your challenge, the best thing you can do is remember that it's not an obstacle you have to overcome alone.
If you would have told me 5 years ago that I wouldn't have been doing what I had planned on Saturday; I would have told you that you were absolutely insane. That there is nothing that would ever get in the way of this day, and that I would FINALLY have it right.
Yeah, right. Life happens. Shit happens. People lie, betray and sometimes cheat. People change, and grow apart -- and sometimes they are forced apart. Even when they love each other completely, and even when THAT part change. Sometimes it just doesn't work.
We are still very good friends, even though our lifestyles demand us to see very little of each other. We talk on a regular basis, Skype when we can, and once in a while I actually get to see him in person. OK, technically HIS lifestyle demands that; but once in a while I have a social life too. He's in a very happy, stable, amazing relationship with someone who loves and respects him, and whom he trusts and loves as well. That is what helps me when I'm feeling a bit sorry for myself... he's happier than he's ever been (and quite possibly happier than I could have made him). I couldn't be more thrilled for him.
So, yea, I just wanted to share with you where I was this weekend. I've healed and moved on, as has he. We talked yesterday (Sunday) and realized that neither of us were expecting the lack of Saturday's activity to be as difficult as it was.
Life is about change, challenge, and perseverance Sometimes you have to push physically, sometimes mentally, and sometimes, you just have to get over a mountain of emotions. Whatever your challenge, the best thing you can do is remember that it's not an obstacle you have to overcome alone.
Thursday, October 4, 2012
Grab Life By the Horns
Hey Kittens! Yesterday, I stared at this page for about 20 minutes and had a whole lot to say, and no clue how to say it. Today, I started out pretty much the same, though I finally received the inspiration I was looking for.
As I deal with yet another round of medical "news" I've been getting a whole lot of friends that are trying to help. I realize that people mean the best, and only want me to be "ok" but the fact of the matter is; there is no OK for me. And sometimes when they insist on "helping" it only makes things worse. You see, when we find out that someone we love or care for is sick, we do what we think is right for them. Most of the time, that includes "you need to start resting more" "Stop working the haunt, it's too much for your body" "You need to keep in mind that the harder you work, the less energy you have to heal yourself."
Well, all of that is fine, if you're willing to lay down and start dying. I'm not quite there yet. Yes, there are days when I wonder why I insist on fighting what's turning out to be a losing battle, but most days I realize I'm here for purpose. I'm here to Inspire others to live a life worth living, to show love and respect to others, and above all to LIVE a life. Not just survive it.
As I was messaging a friend this morning, I received the following in my chat box "don't spend so much time trying to stay alive that you never get to live". It's perfect for my situation, and I couldn't thank him enough for saying it to me. He was sure to tell me that it wasn't original to him, and that he remembers seeing it somewhere before. However, that's not the point. The fact of the matter is, he remembered it in JUST the right time to remind me that no matter what's going on... living life is more than just staying alive.
During this most recent round of medical drama, I've gotten a whole lot of people telling me what I should and shouldn't be doing. "You're not still acting at Bloodview are you?" "You should be working from home" "You need to take time off work." "Do NOT plan on making dinner, I'll bring something over". And on and on the list goes. They are well intended and amazing friends of mine, but I don't think they realize that acting at Bloodview, working (even going into the office), and trying to keep my own house clean and myself fed are not a part of surviving. They are a part of living. Living and surviving are not the the same thing.
In my opinion, as harsh as it can be, surviving means staying alive as long as you can to ensure the people in your life have enough time to cope with what is imminent. Living, on the other hand, means doing the things you enjoy, pushing yourself to the limits, and getting the most out of every moment you have. When you're like me and you spend 40 hours a week at work (ok, it's usually closer to 45), and upwards of 20 hours a week at the hospital... you want whatever time you have left in the week to be worth living. The haunt does that for me .. as does making meals (especially for others), and - gasp - even cleaning my house.
Yes, I push myself to the very limits. Sometimes that causes a rift between myself and my Doctors, but that's our issue to deal with. There are times that pushing myself makes me need a day or two of bedrest, or more time at the Doctors. You know what? It's worth it. Because without it, all I am is someone laying around waiting for that final sleep. Not acceptable for me.
I live to LIVE, not to survive. Some days may be better than others, and sometimes I break down in the dark and quiet and feel sorry for myself. Sometimes I wish someone would lie to me and tell me that it's all going to be OK. Somedays I just want someone to lean on that will be strong enough to understand and soft enough to cry with me. Someone that I don't have to turn around and counsel in return. However, most days I take life by the horns and get the very most out of it.
Oh Fates, how you amuse me. As I'm writing this, a song pops up on my playlist. Tim McGraw is currently singing "Live Like You Were Dying". If you're not familiar with this song it's about a gentleman who is diagnosed with cancer in his early 40s. His friend (the singer of the song) asks what he does when he finds out that this might be the end. His response is simple: skydiving, climbing the Rockies bull riding, and a list of other things he's always wanted to do. He truly lives like he's dying.
Do you? Do you live your life like this could be your last year, your last month, your last day? Do you show the people in your life what they mean to you (notice I said show, not tell. ACTIONS are what matter, Kittens)? Do you take life by the horns and ride it for the whole 8 seconds? Do you stop for a moment, breathe, and relax knowing that you have love in your life, laughter in your heart, and light in your soul? If not, then maybe it's time for you to stop, step back, and re-evaluate how you are living your life.
Remember, it's not about the number of moments we breath, but by how many moments take our breath away.
Much love Kittens.
Be at peace with yourself and you will be at peace with the world.
As I deal with yet another round of medical "news" I've been getting a whole lot of friends that are trying to help. I realize that people mean the best, and only want me to be "ok" but the fact of the matter is; there is no OK for me. And sometimes when they insist on "helping" it only makes things worse. You see, when we find out that someone we love or care for is sick, we do what we think is right for them. Most of the time, that includes "you need to start resting more" "Stop working the haunt, it's too much for your body" "You need to keep in mind that the harder you work, the less energy you have to heal yourself."
Well, all of that is fine, if you're willing to lay down and start dying. I'm not quite there yet. Yes, there are days when I wonder why I insist on fighting what's turning out to be a losing battle, but most days I realize I'm here for purpose. I'm here to Inspire others to live a life worth living, to show love and respect to others, and above all to LIVE a life. Not just survive it.
As I was messaging a friend this morning, I received the following in my chat box "don't spend so much time trying to stay alive that you never get to live". It's perfect for my situation, and I couldn't thank him enough for saying it to me. He was sure to tell me that it wasn't original to him, and that he remembers seeing it somewhere before. However, that's not the point. The fact of the matter is, he remembered it in JUST the right time to remind me that no matter what's going on... living life is more than just staying alive.
During this most recent round of medical drama, I've gotten a whole lot of people telling me what I should and shouldn't be doing. "You're not still acting at Bloodview are you?" "You should be working from home" "You need to take time off work." "Do NOT plan on making dinner, I'll bring something over". And on and on the list goes. They are well intended and amazing friends of mine, but I don't think they realize that acting at Bloodview, working (even going into the office), and trying to keep my own house clean and myself fed are not a part of surviving. They are a part of living. Living and surviving are not the the same thing.
In my opinion, as harsh as it can be, surviving means staying alive as long as you can to ensure the people in your life have enough time to cope with what is imminent. Living, on the other hand, means doing the things you enjoy, pushing yourself to the limits, and getting the most out of every moment you have. When you're like me and you spend 40 hours a week at work (ok, it's usually closer to 45), and upwards of 20 hours a week at the hospital... you want whatever time you have left in the week to be worth living. The haunt does that for me .. as does making meals (especially for others), and - gasp - even cleaning my house.
Yes, I push myself to the very limits. Sometimes that causes a rift between myself and my Doctors, but that's our issue to deal with. There are times that pushing myself makes me need a day or two of bedrest, or more time at the Doctors. You know what? It's worth it. Because without it, all I am is someone laying around waiting for that final sleep. Not acceptable for me.
I live to LIVE, not to survive. Some days may be better than others, and sometimes I break down in the dark and quiet and feel sorry for myself. Sometimes I wish someone would lie to me and tell me that it's all going to be OK. Somedays I just want someone to lean on that will be strong enough to understand and soft enough to cry with me. Someone that I don't have to turn around and counsel in return. However, most days I take life by the horns and get the very most out of it.
Oh Fates, how you amuse me. As I'm writing this, a song pops up on my playlist. Tim McGraw is currently singing "Live Like You Were Dying". If you're not familiar with this song it's about a gentleman who is diagnosed with cancer in his early 40s. His friend (the singer of the song) asks what he does when he finds out that this might be the end. His response is simple: skydiving, climbing the Rockies bull riding, and a list of other things he's always wanted to do. He truly lives like he's dying.
Do you? Do you live your life like this could be your last year, your last month, your last day? Do you show the people in your life what they mean to you (notice I said show, not tell. ACTIONS are what matter, Kittens)? Do you take life by the horns and ride it for the whole 8 seconds? Do you stop for a moment, breathe, and relax knowing that you have love in your life, laughter in your heart, and light in your soul? If not, then maybe it's time for you to stop, step back, and re-evaluate how you are living your life.
Remember, it's not about the number of moments we breath, but by how many moments take our breath away.
Much love Kittens.
Be at peace with yourself and you will be at peace with the world.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)