Hello, kittens. I realize
it’s been a very long time since I've posted anything here, and for that I
sincerely apologize. Unfortunately,
sometimes life gets in the way of the things you really enjoy doing, and no
matter how much you try, you simply can’t add hours to the day - -every one of
them only comes with 24. I've been through quite a bit of turmoil
lately, and maybe eventually we’ll catch up on that. However, for today, I want to talk to you
about something that’s very near and dear to me Respect.
I've been thinking about this quite a bit lately, and how
there are so many levels of respect and different ways in which it’s provided
(and received). There’s ONE specific kind of respect that I’m
going to talk about, but I wanted to cover the others in order to put things
into perspective – or help you understand where my mind is right now.
There’s the respect you have for naturally talented
athletes, actors, singers, or artists (that list can go on and on). The type of respect that makes you go ‘Wow…
they make it look so easy.” I have this
respect for my daughter every time she does something artistic; because – aside
from writing – that kind of talent just doesn’t exist inside of me. With
the exception of the people I personally know, it’s a kind of respect that isn’t
really “earned”. It’s hard to “earn”
respect if you don’t have a personal interaction; but I still respect the fact
that they can do what they do, get paid for it, and look so natural doing
it. I’ll admit, if I tried to do a back
tuck on a balance beam, or even tried to jump to catch a football that’s three
feet above my head and inches behind me – I’d look like a drunk harbor seal
trying to find a fish in a desert. Not a
pretty picture for me; and they make it look like second nature.
Then there is the level of personal respect you gain from
having ongoing interactions with someone.
They earn your respect with their actions, their honesty, their
integrity, their intelligence; or whatever criteria you determine earns your
respect. This is a very high form of
respect, because it’s provided almost as a gift when someone lives above the
expectations you have for the human race.
It’s also the type of respect that can be lost when you lower your
standards, or act in a way that makes others no longer respect you. I find this kind of respect in the workplace
most often, as our work relationships are much different than our personal
ones.
There are other kinds of respect, but I want to get to the
point before I lose you too quickly, beloved reader. Hopefully I haven’t done that yet! The respect that I want to really focus on
today is the respect that comes with a close, personal relationship. This relationship can be a friendship, a
romantic partnership, or even a family relationship. This level of respect is much different and
presents itself in a different manner than others. We take our closest relationships most
seriously, but we also tend to take advantage of them the most.
In our close, personal, relationships we already know there
is a level of mutual respect, otherwise we wouldn't be close to the person in
question. However, for some reason, we
tend to misplace respect in our actions towards our loved ones. It’s not always super obvious, and sometimes
we are “just joking” when we do it. Here’s
the thing; when a pattern of behavior is repeated enough it becomes disrespectful;
“I’m just kidding” only takes you so far until the other person starts to feel
like you don’t care that they've asked you a hundred times NOT to say something
that’s offensive or upsetting to them.
There’s another level of respect that we don’t always show
each other. It’s when we make our own
needs, wants, and desires more important that the other person in the
relationship. Let’s take an example:
A husband and wife are getting
ready to go out for a date-night. The
husband is just getting over the flu and his stomach is still sensitive to
foods; but they still decide to go out for dinner. The husband asks “Where do you want to go for
dinner.”
The wife responds “The Mexican Hat
. Their enchiladas are amazing”.
“My stomach is still messed up, can
we go somewhere else and save Mexican for another night?” the husband asks,
knowing just about anything on the menu is going to cause him discomfort.
“But I REALLY love Mexican, and the
last time we went out, you said I could pick the next restaurant. Besides, they have a great chicken breast and
rice dish you can order, it won’t mess up your stomach too much.”
It’s pretty obvious in this situation that the wife is
clearly only focusing on herself and her desire for Mexican food; which is why
I used this example first. The husband
might cave and go to the Mexican restaurant to make his wife happy; but he
likely won’t be very happy about it. I
won’t go into the compromises they could settle on, or the rest of what may or
may not happen. The fact of the matter
is, she didn't take into consideration his needs and only focused on what she
wanted. If this was a one-time event, it’s
likely not an issue. However, if she
does this on a regular basis, it starts to show that she doesn't respect what
he wants or needs.
Example Number 2: A
pair of friends (Sue and Patty) have discussed at length, and more than once,
how much Sue doesn't like to have her feet touched. It’s a combination of being ticklish, and
just a general dislike of feet. Occasionally,
as they are hanging out, Patty will try to tickle Sue’s feet, and Sue has to
remind her (yet again) that she doesn't want her feet touched. For her Sue’s birthday, Patty scheduled them
BOTH for a salon pedicure. “You’re going
to LOVE IT ... pedicures are my
absolutely favorite thing in the whole world, and it took me months to get into
this salon.” It becomes obvious over a period
of time that Patty doesn't respect Sue’s desires and just does her own thing
without thought to her friend’s feelings.
Continually poking fun or, or constantly reminding someone
of their requests and/or quirks can be very tiresome and, eventually, can be
seen as a lack of respect. Eventually,
no matter how much someone cares for someone else they may back away from a
friendship (or other relationship) due to it.
Nobody wants to be continually reminded of their shortcomings.
OK, kittens, because I love you and trust you I’m going to
go out on a limb here and use a VERY personal example (not something I do
often), but I think it will help me get my point across.
I have a SERIOUS personal space issue. Most of my friends and relatives know this
about me... it’s nothing new and not anything I outright hide from anyone. It’s also something that I've been
consciously working on for years. I don’t
like to be hugged, don’t like people in my personal space (standing/sitting
right next to me) and I downright hate casual touching (someone putting their hand
on my arm, shoulder, leg., etc. when they are talking to me). Like
everything else, there are some exceptions – my family and anyone I have sincere,
deep, romantic feelings for. This isn't to say that I won’t hug people; I know it’s a widely accepted social action and
it shouldn't be that big of a deal. So I
hug people; people I care about and people that I haven’t seen in a while. I’d rather not… but I do it because it’s good
for me to face the things that I’m not comfortable with.
Here’s where the “respect” thing comes in for me. Those closest to me know all about this
personal space issue. Like I said
before, it’s not something that I hide (though it’s also not something that I
openly confess to strangers). To me,
respecting my personal boundaries is part of respecting me as a person. Forcing me to hug, sit close, put up with
casual touching or kissing, etc, because YOU think it’s funny or helpful makes
me wonder if you ever have my best interests in mind.
I see this “personal space” issue as a shortcoming…as
something that holds me back from being the person that I really want to
be. That’s why I’m working on it; I hug
people when I see them, and I try not to make it a big deal if someone is
sitting or standing too close to me. With
that, I don’t like to be reminded of my shortcomings; I can’t image many people
that do. If I had a physical deformity,
I wouldn't want to be reminded of it every day or every time I show a sign of
weakness. Therefore, I find it very difficult to read
texts or IMs from people who insist on “virtually hugging me” or “virtually
kissing me” because I don’t like to do it in person. It’s simply calling me out on my weakness
and, once it’s done enough, shows me that the person doesn't respect me, my desires,
or the issues I’m dealing with.
So there you have it, kittens. Being mindful of your actions, words, and
texts when you’re dealing with your loved ones will go a long way in ensuring
they know you not only love them, but respect their desires and wishes. Keep in mind, if someone disrespects you
enough, what do you do? If you continue
to disrespect the people in your life, regardless of whether or not you ‘mean it’,
don’t be surprised if you find yourself no longer as close as you used to
be.
In the end, it’s all about being kind. Compassionate. Thoughtful.
Insightful. If you do that, the
respect comes automatically.
I adore you, and I miss writing for you. Thank you for reading my ramblings and I hope
to be back to writing on a regular basis
very soon.
1 comment:
i love you, sweetie.
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