Co-Existence and the Crush

Yeap, time for another "way too much information" personal blog from your favorite writer. I have this list .. that keeps getting longer .. of blogs that I should be focusing on. Unfortunately when I have the motivation to focus on it and write something I don't have the time. And when I have the time to blog, I don't have the motivation to write about the stuff that's on the list. But alas, Kittens, don't worry eventually I'll get to it all.

Right now, I'm struggling with motivation in general, not wanting to do anything incredibly productive. I have a to-do list that feels like it's about 12 miles long, both at work and at home. When I find myself un-motivated, my twisted, terrible mind starts to wander all over the place. What am I going to focus on for Bloodview this season? Why is my house such a wreck; and why haven't the cleaning fairies shown up to help out? How in the world am I ever going to fit everything into my schedule so that the people in my life stay happy and healthy? Am I EVER going to find a solid, healthy relationship? The list, like my to-do list, goes on and on.

Ahhh yes, the relationship thing again. Of course, we all know I SUCK when it comes to relationships (or at least this is the general consensus - -and I'm not sure I can properly argue against it). This isn't really news to anyone. My mind (and what's left of the cool place in my chest where my heart is supposed to be) have a very different view of relationships than most people do. I need to be able to happily co-exist with someone. Not get married. Not settle down and have a white picket fence, and a golden retriever. I need to co-exist with someone. This doesn't mean we have to spend every single conscious second together, nor does it mean I have to even speak to them every day -- text is fine for me most of the time. Co-existing with someone means being there for each other, but not having to be in each other's space all the time. It means texting daily, but not hourly. It means having the patience to wait for a response if a call or text goes unanswered. It means understanding that we each have a life, separate from that of our relationship and that we won't always have time for each other. Co-existing means we are as happy individually as we are together. It means we live for life, not for each other. It also means that we care enough about each other, and ourselves, that if for some reason it doesn't work out; that although we will be hurting - neither of us will face a life of turmoil or self-imposed torture.

Co-existing means curling up together in the same room (either next to each other or not - depending on what we are doing) and sometimes doing our own thing. Maybe I'm reading and my partner is working on a project. Sometimes it means we are watching a movie together, or reading the same magazine. It's being emotionally invested in each other, in our selves, and in us as a couple. Morever, co-existing means understanding each other's needs and wants; or lack of wants, as some cases may be.

So, this leads me to the Crush part... yeah I have one. It's the same one I've had on and off for nearly 5 years now, though I suppose if I'm honest with myself it's never really gone away. I know for quite a while he was seeing someone; so there was no way I was going to pursue anything. I have no idea of the relationship was serious or not; but that doesn't really matter. When someone is spoken for, they are spoken for... end of story. Anyways, this .. crush .. is no longer in a relationship; as I found out this week. OK well, it seems he's not ... though I could have misunderstood our conversation. I'll admit I didn't ask outright, but the conversation didn't head in that direction so without a sudden and complete change of direction; it wasn't going to get asked.

I can't help but wonder if you're thinking "so why didn't you just ask him out?" or something along those lines. The answer is a relatively simple one, though you might not completely understand it. I don't want to be the one to make the first move. I don't want to be that girl that asks a good friend out (we've been pretty close for the past 5 years or so) who isn't interested in her romantically and potentially messes up a good friendship. I also don't want to be the aggressor for ONCE in my life.... I just want to know if he's interested. And if he is, then I want him to be man enough about it to approach me. I'm by no far a damsel in distress; most anyone can tell you that. I do, however, prefer a guy that can be the dominant one (in any way you care to take that) and knows what he wants.

Yes, I'm babbling, probably not making much sense, and most likely whining a bit. Give me a break, I've had a really long week. :)

Well, all that being said, I suppose there's not much lesson to be taught here. Just the ramblings of a warped mind and twisted sense of self worth. lol. Though I learned to be truly happy you have to know what you want ... and wait for it. So, perhaps you'll do a bit of self reflection to find out what parts of your life you're not happy with and make a break for the happy place?

Be at peace with yourself, and you'll be at peace with the world

Deep Secret

It's funny how some things just sneak up on you. It's even stranger when those things spark a whole line of thought, and the next thing you know you're knee deep in self reflection and putting puzzle pieces together you didn't even know weren't connected. That's exactly what happened to me today -- this morning if you want to get specific about it.

I was going through some things in my desk today, looking for something specific. What I found, instead, was as stack of cards (the kinds you get with flowers) -- and boy did it make me smile. It took me back a few years when somebody used to send flowers to me at work on a regular basis; with cute little messages and reminders about seeing one another again. Then I ran across a couple of them with 10/13/2012 written on them and realized how quickly things can change. One person, one event, and everything changes. I don't know if it was for the better or worse... but change it did; and there really isn't anything I can do about that.

That's what started my unscheduled self reflection today. And boy, was it intense. It started with me wondering why things changed (I really try to learn not to ask "why"; mostly because it doesn't really help anything), reflecting on how different things are, and then - eventually - trying to figure out what I like and don't like now compared to then.

Surprisingly enough, there aren't that many differences between now and then, with the exception that with the years of experienced I have gained since then - there are more things I don't like now. These include personality traits, values, and just plan "being with someone" type of things.

And this, my devoted and well-loved reader is where the deep secret comes in. I'm sharing it with you with the thought that maybe you can look inside yourself and find that one thing that triggers you to realize something significant about yourself. Like I did today.

Alright, onto this "giant secret" ... it's really not that big. Sorry to get your hopes up, kittens. Anyways I was thinking today about a great many things and I realized -- I really don't mind sleeping alone. I quite prefer it actually, I'm not a huge fan of sharing my bed with anyone other than my cat -- the snuggling while you're asleep thing isn't made for someone with an above average body temperature (and personal space issues). That doesn't mean I don't like cuddling with the right person; just not when I'm trying to sleep. What I DO miss a whole lot is showering with someone.

The Shower Thing -- sounds kind of lame, but let me explain before you start judging me. (I know, you're my devoted fan base -- you don't judge me and I love you for it). When I say I miss showering with someone I'm not talking about the "let's take a shower and have fun in the water" kind of shower (although I'm a big fan of those as well). I also don't mean.. 'we have 10 minutes to get out the door...quick double shower to save time". What I mean is actually giving someone a shower. Getting into the shower with someone, washing their hair, their body, rinsing them off, drying them, and helping them get dressed. I absolutely 100% LOVE doing this for someone I deeply love.

To me, there is no better way to show someone how much you love them than to serve and take care of them. It makes them feel special and giving someone The Shower is my way of doing that. I'll be the first to admit that I've had my share of relationships (no, you don't get to know the number of them I've had :p); but I can literally count on one hand how many people I've done The Shower thing for. When I started thinking about it, I realized that neither of my ex-husbands are on that list. That's when it hit me (like a ton of bricks)... this shower thing I do is my way of telling ME that someone means more to me than I realize. Sometimes you can love someone (or think you do) but not at the level you expect. And sometimes, when you think back, you realize how much you really did love someone.

So that revelation had me thinking... these little "crushes" I get on people (sometimes I swear I'm just a high school student in an adult body); how many of them would I treat with The Shower? How many of the people that have received a shower in the past get them again (stuff happens that changes your soul whether you like it or not)? I've realized today, that THE SHOWER is my way of gauging my feelings (or potential) feelings for someone. And yes, dearest follower, I will answer the questions for you - as I know some of you are such curious kittens.

How many of my recent/current "crushes" would get this shower; presuming they showed the interest in me that I have in them? 1 (and trust me when I tell you that the answer of whom surprised the SHIT out of me). Now this is not to say that the number wouldn't change if I started to more deeply explore a relationship with someone on that crush list. It's just my way of exploring my current feelings for someone. Sort of that lust versus more than lust thing.

How many of the people who have gotten this treat in the past would get it again? Out of the five ... 1. As sad as that makes me, it doesn't change the fact that the answer is the truth. Like I said previously - things happen, people change, and sometimes no matter how much you love (or loved) someone, you can't go back to the way things were. The answer to this question didn't surprise me nearly as much as the first one did. I was rather expecting it as an answer.

So, there you have it. My big revelation of the day -- the fact that finding someone to share that Shower with is much more important to me than having someone lay in my bed at night. At the end of the day; there is so much more to life than lust.

Self Awareness ... Self Loathing?

So, I'm putting aside my list of blog requests one more time to post something a bit more personal to me. The last few days I've been feeling really down on myself. Just kinda "blah" ... not myself. Lower than usual self esteem, can't seem to find my inner smile, something just ... off. So when I woke up this morning (after a really interesting dream) I did a longer than usual meditation session ... hoping to figure out why I'm in this funk. Unfortunately, I found it.

Usually when I have a self discovery I'm pretty happy about it. Even when it's a discovery that's not completely positive. If we can't look within ourselves and find the areas of improvement we need most, we can never aspire to improve ourselves. However, sometimes those self revelations are painful; and sometimes the truth you find isn't even yours to change.

So, you may be asking yourself "what is this self discovery"? Then again, you might not be asking that -- but since this is my site, I'm going to tell you anyways. If you don't want to know, I highly suggest you stop reading now. :)

So here it is .. and it's not pretty. I've realized that sometime in the past year or so (could be more than that.. maybe a little less) that I've become a "dirty little secret" to a whole lot of people. It seems like everywhere I turn, I'm being asked to hide a major part of myself to make others happy. I'm constantly facing one (or several) of the following scenarios:

"I really want to go out with you, but I don't wanna tell a lot of people, it's really none of their business" (seriously ... who are you hiding me from)?

"I'd love for you to be in my wedding, but you'll have to figure out a way to hide all those tattoos.. my mother-in-law will never understand why you do that to yourself" (cause it's how I express myself, and I'm here to make you happy - -not your mother-in-law)

"My (xx = insert a friend or relative here) can't wait to finally meet you. But don't talk about the fact that you're Wiccan ... they will have a fit" (So, I'm supposed to lie about what I believe in if they ask me directly?)

"(xx) says you're really cool and can't wait to hang out with you again.. but next time don't talk about your work at the haunted house, it creeps them out." (so if they ask me how the "scaring people" is going .. how am I supposed to respond?)

"When you meet (xx) don't flirt with other girls and don't mention your bi. They aren't comfortable with it, and it will make things harder for me" (OK . . A I don't announce it during my introduction. B .. why can't I flirt with whom I want to? Just because it's easier for you?)

"At next week's party don't talk about your cancer. (xx) gets really upset when it's brought up." (So if someone asks me about it, I'm just supposed to say "Oh it's nothing really"?)

"You're really pretty and I'd love to take you out sometime.. just make sure my girlfriend doesn't find out" (umm... just umm)

Don't mention your sexuality, don't mention your alternate lifestyle, don't mention your illness, don't mention you're divorced, don't mention your passion for haunting, don't mention your spirituality, don't mention the fact that you counsel people. All of these things say the same thing to me... "Whatever you do DO NOT BE YOURSELF'.

Now, let me set a couple things straight while I have the opportunity. Most aspects of my life I don't talk "openly" about... like being bi or even my spirituality. I usually side-step a conversation if I know it will be controversial and I'm with people I don't know that well. I realize not everyone is comfortable with certain topics, so it's not like I intentionally start conversations about things. But if someone asks me about my illness, I'm going to talk about it. Same thing with other things that I'm passionate about. I will certainly not lie to people if I'm asked a direct question.

However, when people in my life continually point out things about me that I'm supposed to hide or I hear comments like the following it really starts to wear on me:

"I wish I could tell (xx) about the time you taught me this. But every time I mention you they get upset" (that makes me feel wonderful...the fact that you won't even bring me up in casual conversation with someone)

"Sometimes I catch myself starting to tell (xx) about you and I stop because of (insert lame excuse about such-and-such not liking me or something I do)." So, since they don't like a certain aspect of my life you can't tell them about me at all?

"Someone asked me why I've been so level-headed lately. I was going to tell them about our counselling session and how you showed me how to meditate, but they would think it's stupid, so I just said I was happier about stuff". Embarrassed about me?

I feel like I'm being stuffed into a closet and labeled "not worth the effort of explaining to others" or, more simply "freak who must stay hidden".

So, in a nutshell, I'm OK to hang out with on a one-on-one basis; and even alright in small group settings. However, when it comes to being more in anyone's life it seems to be out of the question. I'm the "dirty little secret" ....because they aren't comfortable enough with me to stand up to the people in their lives so I'm trapped in a cage pretending to be someone less than I am.

Now, where does this leave us, dearest reader? I really don't know. There's nothing I can do to change the thoughts and behaviors of others; so I can only focus on myself in this situation. I've spent a lot of time in meditation and self awareness to be happy and comfortable with who I am. I will not change to make others more comfortable with who I am; because then I wouldn't be true to myself. What I need is to find the path that takes me to a place where the statements I've discussed with you don't bother me. A place where I'm secure enough with myself that when others want to push me into that closet, I can rest comfortably there. A place where being everyone's "second" is OK .. because I know I am my first.

So, I guess that's it then. That's where I am right now, little kittens. As always, thank you for taking the time to read this, and learn more about me. Hopefully my little ramblings give you the change to look inside yourself and find a way to make the world a better place.

Be at peace with yourself and you'll be at peace with the world.

You Always Have A Choice

Hello there, beloved reader. I realized earlier today that it's been too long since I've posted something...and then sat here for a while staring at the blank screen. Usually I have about a million things I can write about; but today there was very little. Not that I'm uninspired, just that I don't know what to say about things.

There have been a whole lot of changes in my life recently. Some good, others bad. Some that have hurt me a lot (even though some people seem to think differently) and others that have made me smile more than I have since 2006. Some that have inspired me to be more helpful towards others, and events that have made me want to completely walk away from people I never thought I'd turn my back on. That's a whole lot of stuff -- and I'm sure I'd bore you to tears if I wrote about all of it.

Then I realized something pretty spectacular. Everything that has happened in the past couple of months - the good, the bad, the happy, the sad, the beautiful, and the ugly; have all happened because of a CHOICE. Sometimes it's not my choice but the choice of someone else. That forces me into a choice for a variety of reasons. Sometimes it's me being faced with two choices; neither of which I like... but there is still a choice to be made.

It reminds me of a movie I once saw with Michelle Pfeiffer - Dangerous Minds. During the movie she says something along the lines of "You have a choice! It may not be a choice you like, but it's still a choice". Even when I first saw that movie so many year ago, that line has stuck with me. We are surrounded by choices, and it's the choices we make that determine our path.

Let me give you a couple of examples. I was recently faced with the very difficult decision of ending a friendship with someone I cared deeply for. It was so not a choice that I wanted to make. Neither choice presented to me was acceptable. I could maintain the friendship even though the person was involved in things I was not 100% comfortable with (nothing illegal mind you; but I have personal standards that I have compromised on in the past -- it's always come back to bite me). If I chose to maintain the friendship, I would be compromising my personal integrity; not something I was OK with. My other choice was to end the friendship and allow us to go our separate ways. This choice makes my heart hurt and my soul cry. I adored spending time with this person and in no way wanted to just walk away -- but I didn't have a choice. The person had made it very clear that they had no intention of not doing what they were doing, and therefore, I had to make the incredibly difficult decision to end a friendship. It was an devastating difficult thing for me to to; but I'm confident that it was also the right thing. Choices -- sometimes there isn't a good one to be found.

Here's another example. I was recently confronted with a major dilemma. Someone I love dearly was acting in a way that made me embarrassed to even be associated with them. It was a ridiculous situation in general filled with actions that I haven't seen since Middle School; starring grown adults. My first thought was "how in the WORLD can you choose to act like that"... and regardless of the defenses provided by those involved, it was a choice. It was a choice that made them look bad, and it also reflected very poorly on those that are closely associated with them. I won't lie -- I went home and cried for several hours over the whole thing while I tried to determine which choice I should make in the situation. You may be sitting there thinking "what kind of choice could you possibly have -- this scenario has very little to do with you directly?" And as true as that statement is, the event does reflect on me, and my reputation in a way; that in itself posed some choices that I have to make. I needed to choose to possibly end another friendship, choose to cut all ties with this person, choose to not do anything at all, etc. I lost sleep (two nights worth) making a choice and I am confident I now made the right one. I didn't like any of the choices all that much; but I couldn't seem to find any other options. However, I made a choice, with the thoughts that MY actions dictate my reputation more than the actions of anyone else. It is with my actions that I can attempt to turn around a bad situation (hopefully).

So, here's the bottom line, my adorable kittens: Your life is the way it is currently because of the choices you made. There is no way to "take back" a choice; but there is always a way to move forward from them. If you don't like a choice you have made -- think about what choices you can make to remedy the situation. Have your hurt someone, or is someone hurt because of your actions? Make the choice to talk to them about it; get their feelings on the situation - TALK to them. Are you feeling sorry for yourself and find yourself in a slump? Make the choice that you can make yourself happy and do it; it's a state of mind (yes, I know sometimes depression is a chemical imbalance - choose to seek help for it in whatever capacity you need). Are you facing a choice that you just don't know what to do with? Find a friend, a counselor, or a relative that you can trust and talk to them about it. They can't make the choice for you, but they can help you in with their advice, their experiences, and their feelings.

Remember, that when it's all said and done YOU have to live with the choices that you make. Be at peace with your choices; think them through. Choose wisely and you'll be at peace with yourself.

Much love <3

Running Out of Time

I have three blogs cued that I need to write, but I had the most intense dream last night, so I felt the overwhelming need to write this one first. I know what prompted the dream, and there's not a whole lot of interpretation to go with it, it was simply one of those dreams designed to remind me of some things.

Before we begin, a bit of background on me for those of you that might not know. I'm a very accomplished lucid dreamer -- which basically means I'm aware when I'm dreaming and can easily change the direction or events of the dream. I do this on a regular basis for a variety of reasons. There are times when my dreams are just that - dreams - and there's no reason to change them; and there are also times when I'm not lucid dreaming and the dreams take me wherever they feel like it. I'm also a very strong believer in the concept that some dreams are meant to teach us something or bring something to light that we need to reflect on. This is what last night's dream was all about, and although I knew I was dreaming, I intentionally did nothing to change the dream as I know I needed to see where it was going.

With that, let me share the dream with you; as usual I have no idea how it started, it was just there in my head suddenly.

I slip into a state of semi-consciousness, in a strange bed and realize that for some reason my eyes just can't open - worse yet I can't move anything. Before I allow the panic to seep in, I assess what I can without being able to see. The room I'm in certainly doesn't smell like home - there's no undertone of Coppertone (aka the Sun and Sand candles I use at home), or anything else that smells familiar. In fact, there's little accentuating smell at all -- mostly just clean. Well, that doesn't help.

I mentally scan my body to see if anything is different... and realize there's a stinging in my right arm, my throat is killing me, my back feels like someone used it for fencing practice, and I can't shake the feeling that there's a bulldog sitting directly over my heart. Helpful, though not really making it easier for me to calm down.

It's when I truly listened to the sounds around me that I realized what was going on. At first, everything seems muted, like I had cotton stuffed in my ears, but the more "online" my brain got, the more clear everything started to sound. I heard a whisper soft, repetitive sound off to my right. Woooosh --- whooosh. The sound was very regular and never seemed to falter in it's strength or it's timing. I hear distant voices coming and going as if they are never actually standing still; unfortunately I can't understand what they are saying, even though I can tell they are speaking English. Other various mechanical sounds are around me, mostly what seems like behind or above me... more wooshing sounds though these one not as soft as the first one I noticed; something that sounds like it's spinning, and some kind of odd pumping noise. Then, when I recognized the last set of noises I knew exactly what was going on. Beep. Beep. Beep. Shit..that's the sound of a vitals monitor -- guess who landed herself in a hospital?

I tried to remember why I could have found myself here - hooked up to the machines. The vitals monitor means there's some kind of pulse sensor on me and probably EKG electrodes. Suddenly, a whirring noise starts and my arm gets tight -- ah yes, blood pressure. Too bad the machine doesn't talk, so I could know what the readouts are. It took me a few minutes to realize the other noises...that whispersoft noise, combined with the fact that my throat felt like it was on fire -- ventilator; that's not good news. I won't get into the other mechanics.. let's just say "life support" was full on.

The voices outside suddenly moved into my room and I recognize the voices talking: Doc (my Doctor), my Mom, my Sister, Sami , some very special friends of mine. Hell it was like a reunion in there -- oh crap. They only let that many people in when it's time to say good bye -- I am not OK with this. My mind starts to go off in a million different directions covering all the things I never got to do, the people I still want to spend time with, etc. etc.

"Here's the problem" Doc says in her most compassionate voice. "She's on life support - under normal circumstances, we can keep her there indefinitely since the machines are providing her with everything she needs. But, with the blackout; the generators have a limited amount of time they can actually keep the machines going -- I give it about 3 hours. If the electricity doesn't come on before then; there won't be anything we can do."

Panic. At least on my part. It's obvious the people in the room are upset, there's soft crying, sniffling and feet shuffling. But they are being strong (they know I'd kick their tails if they weren't ;) ) It's then I realize that my clock really is ticking. 3 hours... to make sure the people in my life remember the good I've tried to do. 3 hours to ensure they know I love them. 3 hours .. to lay here in a near-unconscious state and hope to wake up enough to give them the comfort that they need.

That's when I woke up .. straight up .. wide awake and more than a little bit panicked. It took me a while to calm down and realize what I was being told. DON'T wait until it's too late to live the life you need to live. Focus on the right things now -- so that if your end does come sooner than you're expecting; your legacy is already there. Tell the people that are important in your life how much you love them.

Forgive.

Move on.

Don't hold a grudge.

Allow happiness.

Promote love.

Be at peace.

Set the right example.

Be yourself.

Share joy.

Reflect.

Improve yourself.

Never let a moment go by that the most important people in your life wonder how you feel.

I know this was 'just a dream' but it's a dream that hits very close to home for me... since it's a reality I face on a regular basis. However, it can happen to anyone -- since I have no idea what, exactly, landed me in that hospital bed. So, just remember -- we all have a limited time here; make the most of it.

I love you.

Head Games

Here it is, kittens..the first edition of blogging on demand! One of my loyal followers (you know you who you are) asked me to write about head games... and OH BOY .. what a topic it is.

For those of you not up to date on your "American", head games is a term commonly used in the US to describe a variety of mental and emotional manipulations. It's not easily "defined" .. if you look it up on the web you'll get something similar to: "delusion: the act of deluding; deception by creating illusory ideas". Personally, head games are more to me than that. They are a way of manipulating and controlling a person or a situation to ensure the best possible outcome for the person performing the "head games".

Wow, where to start with this? I've experienced more than my fair share of head games; especially at the hands of my ex-husband. He was quite the expert, continuously reminding me that I wouldn't be anywhere in life without him, that I was no longer a "person" but a "mother" and a "wife", and let's not forget reminding me that with my health conditions and my "mediocre" looks I'd never find anyone "better than him" to take care of me. The good news is that I'm no longer with this .... him and I'm well on my way to healing the damage he inflicted on my soul (the heart was the easy part to heal). I no longer believe the things about myself he insisted were true and know that I'm a strong, inspirational, compassionate and beautiful woman. Self appreciation at it's best right there, kittens.

Another fortunate thing about my 9 year stint with continuous head games was that I finally learned to recognize them and remove myself from the situation. The first part was far easier than the second part at times, but I'm here to help you through the whole thing. Well, maybe it'll help, maybe it won't.. but I can at the very least offer you my thoughts on it and how I handle it.

The first thing you need to learn is how to recognize "head games". Sometimes it's really obvious when someone is playing head games with you. They outright manipulate you, spread rumors about you, or tell you things that you know aren't true. They do this with the intent of getting you to either agree to "be on their side" or to do something they want you to do. However, those who are really good at head games play them without anyone realizing it.. and you suddenly find yourself either doing things that aren't in character for you or alienating yourself from people you would normally want in your life. Of course, there are hundreds of other outcomes, it just depends on what the person is trying to get out of the situation. Remember, head games are NOT about you ... they are about the person playing them.

Below you'll find several of the head game techniques I've come across in my dealings, and the examples I'm providing are ones that have happened to me personally. Yes, they are "significant other" focused, but remember, these games can be played by significant others, parents, siblings, friends, children -- basically anyone. I'm not saying that every time a situation arises that fits one of these categories that someone is automatically trying to manipulate you. It's all about recognizing the pattern when it's happening.

The Guilt Trip.

One of the most "beloved" head games out there is the good old fashion guilt trip; this is one of the many aspects of Passive/Aggressive -- but I think I'll cover that particular topic at another time. I'm sure we're all familiar with how it goes.

Me: "Do you have anything significant planned tonight?"

Him: "Not really, why?"

Me" "I was invited to an early dinner with a couple of friends from work. I think I'll go, I should be home around 7"

Him: "wow.. um ok. Go out with your girlfriends, it's not like I had a surprise planned or anything. I guess I'll just sit at home alone and wait for you to get home. Have fun" Of course, all of this is said with the woe is me Eeyore mentality and you suddenly start second guessing yourself.

Me: "You said you didn't have anything planned"

Him: "Well, I didn't want to give it away, but I guess it doesn't matter now.. go out and have fun, I guess I'll just make a sandwich or something, or maybe I'll just skip dinner tonight."

Sound familiar? Notice the start of the conversation, nothing was planned, and as soon as I said I was going to go out with someone else, it suddenly evolved into "I had something special planned" and suddenly he's not going to eat at all. I'm suddenly in a lose/lose situation - if I go out, he's pouting at home and not eating.. and will certainly tell me all about his boredom and lack of food when I get home. If I stay home, I disappoint my friends (and myself) and we would most likely end up not doing anything at all because "our fight put him in a bad mood." I don't remember a fight, do you?

Back Handed Compliments or Outright Insults

It's hard to feel good about yourself when you're constantly being put down, especially by someone who is supposed to love you. Outright insults are one thing -- they are pretty easy to spot and usually make you feel pretty crappy about yourself right out of the gate. Although keep in mind they may be said "in jest" .. that doesn't mean the person doesn't think it's true.

Him: "Wow, you really suck at this whole cooking thing, don't you?"

Me: "What? It's spaghetti .. and I thought it was pretty good"

Him: "Oh you know I'm just kidding ... you'd better get the kitchen cleaned up before people start thinking you're a slob .. hahahahah"

A three sentence conversation, and I'm pretty much convinced I have no place in the kitchen. Now, remember kittens...it's about pattern recognition - this wasn't a one time thing -- these types of conversations happened on a regular basis.

Back handed compliments are a little harder to recognize and much more effective sometimes. Someone compliments you on something, but marries it together with something that you've done poorly. It works for actions and appearance and just about everything else. I'm going to give two examples, one that's a little more obvious .. and the other that's a lesser recognized form of backhanded compliment.

Me: "I think I'll color and straighten my hair today, I need something different"

Him" "Good idea, it's looking a little dull I'm sure you'll look wonderful " (this, by the way is an appropriate answer and a nice compliment)

Me ... several hours later: "All done, what do you think?"

Him: "I like it, it makes you look older and it's much easier to look at than all those ridiculous curls"

So, as you see above, it's "almost" a compliment.. .he likes the hair - and the older comment was actually taken as a compliment. However, the comment about the "ridiculous curls" is a hidden insult; showing how much he dislikes something about me. (remember, I have naturally curly hair).

Here's a less obvious example of a back-handed compliment

Me: "I got a promotion at work! I'll be the executive administrative assistant to the Vice President!"

Him" "Congratulations, it's about time the recognized your talents" (again, genuine compliment there)

Me: "Yea, I'm so excited"

Him" "I'm happy for you. Glad I'm here to show you what you're capable of"

Not as obvious, but the intent of the sentence was to remind me that I wouldn't have been able to get the job if he didn't tell me I was good enough for it. One of the "backhanded" compliments I dealt with a lot was the "I helped you get to where you are". Um...NO you didn't... I did, thank you very much; I don't remember you being at the office doing my work for me.

Over the top praise / Well timed compliments

Ohhh the over the top praise thing. Other wise known as "false" praise. It's a way for someone to get what they want out of you by making you feel really good about yourself. PLEASE don't get this confused with actual praise from people that love and respect you. We should be able to get compliments from people without them expecting something in return. The pattern recognition comes into play when you realize that the ONLY time you get praise or compliments is right before something is asked of you - or when they tell you something that is wrong about you.

Him: "Wow the house looks great today, you must have worked really hard to make sure everything is clean"

Me: "Thanks,yea it took some time, but I finally got everything done."

Him: "Next time, don't forget about the bathroom floor, it's still sticky from all that hairspray you insist on using"

What happened here is obvious.. good job.. but NOT quite good enough.

or ...

Him: "Have I told you lately that you're amazing? You always understand me, and I really appreciate everything you do for me. I'm so lucky to have you in my life. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me."

Me (blushing of course): "awww thank you so much"

Him: "I have to cancel our plans to go to the zoo on Saturday. Steve is going to take me off-roading. I know you understand because you're amazing like that, you always know when I need to go off and be a guy. You're so perfect"

Overkill much? With all those compliments in one conversation, if I were to argue with him canceling our plans to go out with his friend, I'd look like a total bitch. Manipulation at it's best.

OK, I know that was a lot to ingest; and you're wondering what to do now. Like I said several times, if something like any of the above happens to you once in a while.. try not to put too much into it. We are ALL guilty of being on the giving end of something like this when we don't really mean it. Keep an eye out, though, if it starts to become a pattern - and most of the conversations you have with someone end up with you being manipulated, it's time for you to step back and re-evaluation the relationship.

Sometimes, you can talk to the other person and tell them what you're feeling. "Hey, I realized that the only time you ever really compliment me is when you want something. That makes me feel pretty bad about myself, like I'm only good enough for you when you want something." Or "remember that night I decided to not to go out because you said you planned something special? Did you really just want me to stay home that night?" Hopefully the person you're having the conversation with is mature enough to recognize the issue and will take steps to stop doing these things. If not -- then it's time for you to remove yourself from the relationship -- or at least distance yourself a bit. It's not always easy, and sometimes not possible to remove yourself completely -- but it's important to remember that nobody can hurt you unless you give them permission to. By allowing these types of scenarios to happen over and over; you are allowing someone else to manipulate you. Find some friends, talk to them, get their support and walk away as much as you can.

Here is my personal challenge to you: take a step inward and search yourself. Do you use head games? Sometimes? With any specific person? All the time? I'll be 100% honest with you, I have found myself doing it at times. I've realized that I'm pulling a guilt trip on someone .. or being passive/aggressive, or one of the other things I've talked about here. When that happens I STOP, look inward and try to understand why I did it. Was it because I didn't want to hurt their feelings so I took an alternative approach? If that's the case, I need to buck up and have a grown up conversation with them..not resort to games because it's "easier" for me. Is it because I don't like the person and want them to go away? See answer above. Is it because I don't respect them for some reason -- then there's a real issue and I need to re-evaluate the relationship as a whole.

So, I know this has been incredibly long and a whole lot to take in. I hope I haven't babbled too much about myself and my horrible 2nd marriage. Above everything else, I hope you got something out of it; and that you're able to improve your self and increase your personal happiness because of it. Much Love, Kittens!

Be at peace with yourself and you'll be at peace with the world

What is Respect

I've recently had quite a few discussions with people regarding respect. People really like using that word, though sometimes I'm not really sure they completely know what it means. There are several ways of looking at the word, so I'm going to take a few minutes to explore it.

Of course, there's the standard definition: A feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their ability, qualities, or achievements. That's interesting. Most of the time when I hear people spouting off about respect, it usually has very little to do with this definition. It's more of a selfish standpoint of "My respect is earned..and you should be honored to have it." Um.. No. If you're using that attitude with me, you OBVIOUSLY don't hold any respect towards me to begin with.

With the technical definition aside, I'm going to focus on respecting people with whom you are in a relationship with. Now, this relationship can be a friendship, a partnership, an intimate relationship, even a working relationship. In order for a relationship to work completely, there must be a level of mutual respect. Respect is very rarely equal, but it certainly needs to be present on both sides in order to have a successful relationship. When there isn't any respect, trust goes out the window, and resent moves right in.

I see respect in a different light than a lot of people, so I'll share my thoughts on it here. Respect is more than just a word to me, it's a culmination of several things that, when put together, represent a high regard for the person with which you're dealing. I like to use the word respect as an acronym for a variety of different actions and thoughts; when put together, show the other person you truly do respect them.

R: Responsibility. In a respectful relationship, you take responsibility for your actions and your words. When you do something that hurts the other person, you take responsibility for it and apologize. Only then can you hope to move forward with the relationship.

E: Engage. No, I don't mean engage as in married (gah!). Engaging the other person in your thought process, your decision making, and other aspects of your life as necessary is an excellent way to show your respect for them. If you continue to make all the decisions on your own (especially ones that involve the other person) you are immediately negating their thoughts or feelings on the subject, and in return; proving that you don't respect their wishes or beliefs.

S: Selfless. Be selfless; give yourself to others (to the extent that you can). Remember that the world doesn't revolve around you and that in a strong relationship, it's up to you to keep the feelings, desires and needs of the other person in mind when you act on something.

P: Purge. I know, it's an odd word, but it's important to purge yourself and your relationships of negative energy. Get rid of the "bad" stuff.. if you respect someone, truly respect them, and they have offered an apology for something they have done wrong, forgive them. Purge it from your relationship and don't bring it up again. Respect is about moving forward, not living in the past.

E: Earn. It's said all the time... respect is earned. I believe this to a degree, but I think people take the concept a little too far sometimes. That being said, I think that the best way to earn respect is to respect others in return. Earn respect by showing others that you're a good, compassionate, thoughtful person.

C: Care. Care about others, and show you care. Don't just assume that they know and don't just tell them - words can be very empty sometimes. Put your words into actions and SHOW them you care. Let them lean on you. Lend an ear, or a hand up, or help when they need it. Help them laugh when they are down and cry with them when they are hurt.

T: Truth. Tell. The. Truth. All the time, without fail. If you respect someone, you don't lie to them -- end of story. Lying to someone is the ultimate betrayal of trust; and just proves that you don't respect them at all.

So, there it is in a nutshell -- take it for what you can get out of it. But remember this - respecting someone and showing that respect to them is the single most important part of a relationship. Every relationship.

Be at peace with yourself, and you'll be at peace with the world.