Head Games

Here it is, kittens..the first edition of blogging on demand! One of my loyal followers (you know you who you are) asked me to write about head games... and OH BOY .. what a topic it is.

For those of you not up to date on your "American", head games is a term commonly used in the US to describe a variety of mental and emotional manipulations. It's not easily "defined" .. if you look it up on the web you'll get something similar to: "delusion: the act of deluding; deception by creating illusory ideas". Personally, head games are more to me than that. They are a way of manipulating and controlling a person or a situation to ensure the best possible outcome for the person performing the "head games".

Wow, where to start with this? I've experienced more than my fair share of head games; especially at the hands of my ex-husband. He was quite the expert, continuously reminding me that I wouldn't be anywhere in life without him, that I was no longer a "person" but a "mother" and a "wife", and let's not forget reminding me that with my health conditions and my "mediocre" looks I'd never find anyone "better than him" to take care of me. The good news is that I'm no longer with this .... him and I'm well on my way to healing the damage he inflicted on my soul (the heart was the easy part to heal). I no longer believe the things about myself he insisted were true and know that I'm a strong, inspirational, compassionate and beautiful woman. Self appreciation at it's best right there, kittens.

Another fortunate thing about my 9 year stint with continuous head games was that I finally learned to recognize them and remove myself from the situation. The first part was far easier than the second part at times, but I'm here to help you through the whole thing. Well, maybe it'll help, maybe it won't.. but I can at the very least offer you my thoughts on it and how I handle it.

The first thing you need to learn is how to recognize "head games". Sometimes it's really obvious when someone is playing head games with you. They outright manipulate you, spread rumors about you, or tell you things that you know aren't true. They do this with the intent of getting you to either agree to "be on their side" or to do something they want you to do. However, those who are really good at head games play them without anyone realizing it.. and you suddenly find yourself either doing things that aren't in character for you or alienating yourself from people you would normally want in your life. Of course, there are hundreds of other outcomes, it just depends on what the person is trying to get out of the situation. Remember, head games are NOT about you ... they are about the person playing them.

Below you'll find several of the head game techniques I've come across in my dealings, and the examples I'm providing are ones that have happened to me personally. Yes, they are "significant other" focused, but remember, these games can be played by significant others, parents, siblings, friends, children -- basically anyone. I'm not saying that every time a situation arises that fits one of these categories that someone is automatically trying to manipulate you. It's all about recognizing the pattern when it's happening.

The Guilt Trip.

One of the most "beloved" head games out there is the good old fashion guilt trip; this is one of the many aspects of Passive/Aggressive -- but I think I'll cover that particular topic at another time. I'm sure we're all familiar with how it goes.

Me: "Do you have anything significant planned tonight?"

Him: "Not really, why?"

Me" "I was invited to an early dinner with a couple of friends from work. I think I'll go, I should be home around 7"

Him: "wow.. um ok. Go out with your girlfriends, it's not like I had a surprise planned or anything. I guess I'll just sit at home alone and wait for you to get home. Have fun" Of course, all of this is said with the woe is me Eeyore mentality and you suddenly start second guessing yourself.

Me: "You said you didn't have anything planned"

Him: "Well, I didn't want to give it away, but I guess it doesn't matter now.. go out and have fun, I guess I'll just make a sandwich or something, or maybe I'll just skip dinner tonight."

Sound familiar? Notice the start of the conversation, nothing was planned, and as soon as I said I was going to go out with someone else, it suddenly evolved into "I had something special planned" and suddenly he's not going to eat at all. I'm suddenly in a lose/lose situation - if I go out, he's pouting at home and not eating.. and will certainly tell me all about his boredom and lack of food when I get home. If I stay home, I disappoint my friends (and myself) and we would most likely end up not doing anything at all because "our fight put him in a bad mood." I don't remember a fight, do you?

Back Handed Compliments or Outright Insults

It's hard to feel good about yourself when you're constantly being put down, especially by someone who is supposed to love you. Outright insults are one thing -- they are pretty easy to spot and usually make you feel pretty crappy about yourself right out of the gate. Although keep in mind they may be said "in jest" .. that doesn't mean the person doesn't think it's true.

Him: "Wow, you really suck at this whole cooking thing, don't you?"

Me: "What? It's spaghetti .. and I thought it was pretty good"

Him: "Oh you know I'm just kidding ... you'd better get the kitchen cleaned up before people start thinking you're a slob .. hahahahah"

A three sentence conversation, and I'm pretty much convinced I have no place in the kitchen. Now, remember kittens...it's about pattern recognition - this wasn't a one time thing -- these types of conversations happened on a regular basis.

Back handed compliments are a little harder to recognize and much more effective sometimes. Someone compliments you on something, but marries it together with something that you've done poorly. It works for actions and appearance and just about everything else. I'm going to give two examples, one that's a little more obvious .. and the other that's a lesser recognized form of backhanded compliment.

Me: "I think I'll color and straighten my hair today, I need something different"

Him" "Good idea, it's looking a little dull I'm sure you'll look wonderful " (this, by the way is an appropriate answer and a nice compliment)

Me ... several hours later: "All done, what do you think?"

Him: "I like it, it makes you look older and it's much easier to look at than all those ridiculous curls"

So, as you see above, it's "almost" a compliment.. .he likes the hair - and the older comment was actually taken as a compliment. However, the comment about the "ridiculous curls" is a hidden insult; showing how much he dislikes something about me. (remember, I have naturally curly hair).

Here's a less obvious example of a back-handed compliment

Me: "I got a promotion at work! I'll be the executive administrative assistant to the Vice President!"

Him" "Congratulations, it's about time the recognized your talents" (again, genuine compliment there)

Me: "Yea, I'm so excited"

Him" "I'm happy for you. Glad I'm here to show you what you're capable of"

Not as obvious, but the intent of the sentence was to remind me that I wouldn't have been able to get the job if he didn't tell me I was good enough for it. One of the "backhanded" compliments I dealt with a lot was the "I helped you get to where you are". Um...NO you didn't... I did, thank you very much; I don't remember you being at the office doing my work for me.

Over the top praise / Well timed compliments

Ohhh the over the top praise thing. Other wise known as "false" praise. It's a way for someone to get what they want out of you by making you feel really good about yourself. PLEASE don't get this confused with actual praise from people that love and respect you. We should be able to get compliments from people without them expecting something in return. The pattern recognition comes into play when you realize that the ONLY time you get praise or compliments is right before something is asked of you - or when they tell you something that is wrong about you.

Him: "Wow the house looks great today, you must have worked really hard to make sure everything is clean"

Me: "Thanks,yea it took some time, but I finally got everything done."

Him: "Next time, don't forget about the bathroom floor, it's still sticky from all that hairspray you insist on using"

What happened here is obvious.. good job.. but NOT quite good enough.

or ...

Him: "Have I told you lately that you're amazing? You always understand me, and I really appreciate everything you do for me. I'm so lucky to have you in my life. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me."

Me (blushing of course): "awww thank you so much"

Him: "I have to cancel our plans to go to the zoo on Saturday. Steve is going to take me off-roading. I know you understand because you're amazing like that, you always know when I need to go off and be a guy. You're so perfect"

Overkill much? With all those compliments in one conversation, if I were to argue with him canceling our plans to go out with his friend, I'd look like a total bitch. Manipulation at it's best.

OK, I know that was a lot to ingest; and you're wondering what to do now. Like I said several times, if something like any of the above happens to you once in a while.. try not to put too much into it. We are ALL guilty of being on the giving end of something like this when we don't really mean it. Keep an eye out, though, if it starts to become a pattern - and most of the conversations you have with someone end up with you being manipulated, it's time for you to step back and re-evaluation the relationship.

Sometimes, you can talk to the other person and tell them what you're feeling. "Hey, I realized that the only time you ever really compliment me is when you want something. That makes me feel pretty bad about myself, like I'm only good enough for you when you want something." Or "remember that night I decided to not to go out because you said you planned something special? Did you really just want me to stay home that night?" Hopefully the person you're having the conversation with is mature enough to recognize the issue and will take steps to stop doing these things. If not -- then it's time for you to remove yourself from the relationship -- or at least distance yourself a bit. It's not always easy, and sometimes not possible to remove yourself completely -- but it's important to remember that nobody can hurt you unless you give them permission to. By allowing these types of scenarios to happen over and over; you are allowing someone else to manipulate you. Find some friends, talk to them, get their support and walk away as much as you can.

Here is my personal challenge to you: take a step inward and search yourself. Do you use head games? Sometimes? With any specific person? All the time? I'll be 100% honest with you, I have found myself doing it at times. I've realized that I'm pulling a guilt trip on someone .. or being passive/aggressive, or one of the other things I've talked about here. When that happens I STOP, look inward and try to understand why I did it. Was it because I didn't want to hurt their feelings so I took an alternative approach? If that's the case, I need to buck up and have a grown up conversation with them..not resort to games because it's "easier" for me. Is it because I don't like the person and want them to go away? See answer above. Is it because I don't respect them for some reason -- then there's a real issue and I need to re-evaluate the relationship as a whole.

So, I know this has been incredibly long and a whole lot to take in. I hope I haven't babbled too much about myself and my horrible 2nd marriage. Above everything else, I hope you got something out of it; and that you're able to improve your self and increase your personal happiness because of it. Much Love, Kittens!

Be at peace with yourself and you'll be at peace with the world

What is Respect

I've recently had quite a few discussions with people regarding respect. People really like using that word, though sometimes I'm not really sure they completely know what it means. There are several ways of looking at the word, so I'm going to take a few minutes to explore it.

Of course, there's the standard definition: A feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their ability, qualities, or achievements. That's interesting. Most of the time when I hear people spouting off about respect, it usually has very little to do with this definition. It's more of a selfish standpoint of "My respect is earned..and you should be honored to have it." Um.. No. If you're using that attitude with me, you OBVIOUSLY don't hold any respect towards me to begin with.

With the technical definition aside, I'm going to focus on respecting people with whom you are in a relationship with. Now, this relationship can be a friendship, a partnership, an intimate relationship, even a working relationship. In order for a relationship to work completely, there must be a level of mutual respect. Respect is very rarely equal, but it certainly needs to be present on both sides in order to have a successful relationship. When there isn't any respect, trust goes out the window, and resent moves right in.

I see respect in a different light than a lot of people, so I'll share my thoughts on it here. Respect is more than just a word to me, it's a culmination of several things that, when put together, represent a high regard for the person with which you're dealing. I like to use the word respect as an acronym for a variety of different actions and thoughts; when put together, show the other person you truly do respect them.

R: Responsibility. In a respectful relationship, you take responsibility for your actions and your words. When you do something that hurts the other person, you take responsibility for it and apologize. Only then can you hope to move forward with the relationship.

E: Engage. No, I don't mean engage as in married (gah!). Engaging the other person in your thought process, your decision making, and other aspects of your life as necessary is an excellent way to show your respect for them. If you continue to make all the decisions on your own (especially ones that involve the other person) you are immediately negating their thoughts or feelings on the subject, and in return; proving that you don't respect their wishes or beliefs.

S: Selfless. Be selfless; give yourself to others (to the extent that you can). Remember that the world doesn't revolve around you and that in a strong relationship, it's up to you to keep the feelings, desires and needs of the other person in mind when you act on something.

P: Purge. I know, it's an odd word, but it's important to purge yourself and your relationships of negative energy. Get rid of the "bad" stuff.. if you respect someone, truly respect them, and they have offered an apology for something they have done wrong, forgive them. Purge it from your relationship and don't bring it up again. Respect is about moving forward, not living in the past.

E: Earn. It's said all the time... respect is earned. I believe this to a degree, but I think people take the concept a little too far sometimes. That being said, I think that the best way to earn respect is to respect others in return. Earn respect by showing others that you're a good, compassionate, thoughtful person.

C: Care. Care about others, and show you care. Don't just assume that they know and don't just tell them - words can be very empty sometimes. Put your words into actions and SHOW them you care. Let them lean on you. Lend an ear, or a hand up, or help when they need it. Help them laugh when they are down and cry with them when they are hurt.

T: Truth. Tell. The. Truth. All the time, without fail. If you respect someone, you don't lie to them -- end of story. Lying to someone is the ultimate betrayal of trust; and just proves that you don't respect them at all.

So, there it is in a nutshell -- take it for what you can get out of it. But remember this - respecting someone and showing that respect to them is the single most important part of a relationship. Every relationship.

Be at peace with yourself, and you'll be at peace with the world.

Trying to Once Again Find Myself

Well, it's been a while, again ... and, who knows, maybe I'll stick with it this time and keep writing. Writing is therapy for me, even if nobody ever actually reads the things I publish. My overall intent with this blog, and in my life, is to help others look deeper into themselves and find the areas that they think need positive change by sharing my own experiences. Hopefully I can inspire them to make the changes they see necessary in themselves, and in turn, make the world a better place to live in.

However, the last few months I have completely lost myself. Between being sick (again) - this time with Breast Cancer - and a new relationship that is now (sadly) over, all things Trinity fell to the side. I was focused on healing and making someone else happy - and in the midst of all that - I lost sight of myself and turned into a different person.

First, let's talk about what happened. In October I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer. Although it was a bit of a shock, it didn't devastate me as much it does the general public. Since I've been dealing with Leukemia for nearly 14 years and have had everything happen to me from kidney failure, to tumors being removed from my spine, to loosing the eyesight in one eye for 6 months - even flat lining three times - the new lump found in my right breast was just another obstacle for me to face. I'm a Warrior .. nothing can really keep me down (or so I thought!). In November I had my surgery and started radiation. It sucked. Lots. The radiation destroyed every ounce of energy I had and I was pretty much a hermit as I didn't have the ability to do much outside of my house. I started feeling sorry for myself and getting the "whoa is me" personality I try to counsel people away from on a regular basis.

In the midst of all this turmoil, I met a guy. OK, technically I didn't meet him in the middle of all of this, I'd known him for a while and we finally decided to take the chance and start seeing each other exclusively. Looking back, I realize that I compromised my own values and went against things that I have set for myself on who I should and shouldn't date. Not that he's not a wonderful and amazing person. He is .. very much so. He's compassionate, and helpful, and very loving, and a wonderful man. Although we are no longer a couple, I sincerely hope that we can remain close friends and I already miss what we had together. Like I said, overall this entire fiasco was my fault for going against my own rules and dating someone that I knew I shouldn't have. No, you don't get to know why I shouldn't have because there are some things about myself, and about the people I care for, that just remain private. In the end, we are both hurting, and although I don't take all of the blame for what happened, I do realize that we're hurting because I didn't listen to myself in the beginning.

The illness, mixed with the new relationship completely turned me into someone else. I was not nearly has upbeat and happy as I usually am. I lost most of my positive outlook on life. I stopped focusing on my reason for being and stopped helping other people like I should be doing. I know, a lot of people - my own friends included - always tell me "sometimes it's important to focus on yourself. Sometimes you have to be a little bit selfish in order to get through something" (especially something as traumatic as the Big C). However, I took this too far, and lost sight of who and what I was. I changed.... and I finally realized it ...and I realized I do NOT like what I changed into. Part of this change happened because of the illness and my inability to do much for other people...and in the mean time I got complacent with things. It also happened because I was so focused on ensuring my new beau was happy and did everything in my power to do what made him smile most. We do that for our new significant others sometimes ... :)

Rest assured, my dear and devoted kittens, I do NOT blame anyone but MYSELF for the change that has happened and this "other" person I find in the mirror lately. I also don't expect anyone to do fix this for me, I'm simply explaining it all to you and letting you know what's going on in this brain of mine.

And here we are ... at a crossroads in my life. I stare down two very distinct roads; the one I just traveled down splits off. I can continue the road I was on, it's a bit simpler to travel on; and it makes me happy sometimes and gives me short term bliss. It automatically guarantees the people around me are happy and get what they want, and in turn makes me happy by knowing I caused joy - but I am not genuinely happy. Or, I can turn, and take the road that jets off to the side. It's a much more difficult road to be on; filled with difficult choices, much more self reflection, changing myself back to who I was, ensuring that I don't compromise myself to make others happy. I will be helping people find their bliss, helping others understand themselves and find joy and ways to positively improve themselves and their lives. And I will find my true happiness - hopefully with a partner that understand me and shares my values and outlooks (eventually) in the process.

So, here I go... stepping off the road that was much more easily traveled, and heading down the new one. Wanna join me .. I'm happy to have the company, and who knows, maybe you'll learn some things that will help you along the way?

Sorry Kittens!

Sorry for my absence, Kittens! Things have been insane around these parts lately, with my being sick (again), trying to figure out life, and finally dating again. Oh, please don't ask about that last part... I still get all girly when I talk about it.

However, I'm going to try to pick back up on the whole blogging thing...both here and at Whogavethesekidsakeyboard. it's a collaboration site that approached me and asked if I wanted to write for them. Much shorter blogs, and much more often.

In the mean time, be on the lookout for a Yule blog coming up soon.

Love you all

:D

The POSITIVE side of Karma

I’m always hearing people say “Karma’s a bitch, don’t worry they’ll get what’s coming to them” or other various sayings on how if you’re bad to other people that Karma will get you. I very rarely hear people say how when they do something positive for someone else that they are rewarded. I think the reason for this is two-fold. One reason is that people have a tendency of focusing on the negative things in life and seem to enjoy watching others suffer – that makes me so very sad. However, I think the main reason that we don’t seem to see the ‘positive’ side of karma is simple – we over look the small blessings and surprises we are afforded on a regular basis. Like having really good weather for an important event, watching a child succeed magnificently at something for the first time, or even having a pet “suddenly” housetrained. These are all great blessings that we take for granted.

I had a good karma message today that I’m sure stemmed from my actions yesterday morning. I woke up on a semi-spoiled mood yesterday; simply from not having a good night’s rest the night before. I was a little crabby, and more than sleepy. When I got off the train at Tower City I made the conscious decision that a bad mood was NOT where I wanted to be. So I took a few deep breaths, concentrated on myself for a second and smiled. As I was getting on the escalator, there was an elder lady that was having a difficult time juggling all the paperwork she was holding and trying to step onto the escalator. I asked if she wanted me to hold her things for her, and we rode up together. I proceeded to walk with her to the courthouse (a couple blocks out of my way, but the morning was beautiful and I wasn’t in any great hurry). We chatted about the small things in life, and she told me how her and her high school sweetheart had reunited and were getting married – that’s why she was downtown; to get everything situated for the upcoming ceremony. Totally made me smile, she is 71 and her soon to be husband is 72 – they are getting married on the anniversary of their first date together waaaaaaaay back in high school.

So, once we got to the courthouse and she was safely inside, I proceeded to Starbucks for my morning jolt. Those who know me realize that this is NOT an option :D. The crew at the Starbucks I go to every morning is amazing, and I always walk out of there giggling about something. Yesterday morning was no different. The sun was shining in my face, as I walked my way down Euclid Avenue. Humming to myself (music always helps my mood) and smiling at random people. Sometimes they smile back with a “good morning” sometimes they glower at me like I’m some rapid dingo waiting to eat their baby when their back is turned. Either way works for me, because if you don’t smile at people, you’ll never lift someone else’s spirits.

I noticed two guys struggling to get some cubicle partitions on a dolly out of one of the building doors that I was passing. There were so many people walking down the street, and they would just look at these guys, shake their heads and keep walking. Sometimes I just don’t understand people at all. I stopped, grabbed the door, and held it open for them. As they were coming out the door, they started smiling and I heard one of them actually say “see there are still nice people downtown”. I smiled, wished them a happy morning, and said you’re welcome in a very cheery voice when they thanked me. Side note: when you say thank you or you’re welcome to someone - -say it with meaning. Don’t mumble it, don’t look away, and don’t say mmhm. Look them in the eye, smile, and say it like you mean it – or don’t say it at all. It really makes a huge difference to the person you’re speaking to.

Onward down Euclid Avenue I went. As I approached the corner of East 9^th and Euclid (right across the street from the building I work in) I saw three people lugging a continental breakfast for a morning meeting. This isn’t a strange occurrence downtown – as it seems to be much easier for people to pick up their catering than have it delivered sometimes. A young lady was carrying a box of croissants, another lady a box full of paper products, and a gentleman was pulling a little red wagon filled with a couple cases of bottled water and two platters of fresh fruit. The red wagon made me smile from ear to ear – just not really sure why. As we crossed the intersection (it’s not a very long time window to get from one side of East 9^th to the other on Euclid – the walk light stays on for literally 13 seconds so you really need to rush), I walked closely behind the wagon; I was just too afraid that on the other side of the street, as the man pulled that little wagon up the curb, that the fruit might slide off the water and go crashing to the ground. It didn’t but I would have stopped it if it had. The group was going into the same building I was, so I naturally held the door open for them. They thanked me; I said you’re welcome and proceeded up to my office.

Now, granted, I usually don’t have the opportunity to help three sets of people all the same morning, but I was so glad I did yesterday. I really improved my mood, watching how cooperative and gracious people can be when they get unexpected help.

This morning, it paid off; and I was so very surprised when it happened. I don’t do good things for people to gain some reward. I do it because I love people and want to help them in every way I can. However, this morning, when I walked into Starbucks, Cagney looked at me and said. “Drink is on the house today.” At first I thought it was because my birthday is coming up on Sunday and they knew this was my last day of work for the week. But when I got up to the register (there’s always a line at Starbucks in the morning!), she told me that someone came in yesterday, described me and said they wanted to pay for my next drink. I’ll never know if it was someone that I work with, someone I helped yesterday, or someone else entirely. You’re probably asking yourself how anyone that I helped would know I’m a Starbucks freak and I’ll tell you a little secret. I have one of those re-usable, customizable cups that I get my drink in every day, and I was carrying it when I helped these wonderful people yesterday. So either someone was very observant, or it was someone else in my life that bought me a drink this morning. Like I said, I’ll never know; but it made me so very happy anyways.

So, I did something completely in character for me. I handed Cagney $5.00 and told her to pick someone at random today and pay for their drink for me. Maybe they will do the same, and a whole bunch of people will be smiling out of the generosity of strangers this weekend.

Be at peace with yourself and you’ll be at peace with the world.

Rushing Waters Cause Drowning Souls

So, I was talking to one of my best friends today (Hi Mara) and she mentioned that someone should write a blog about rushing things and how quickly we tend to jump head first into stuff. I told her Id' be happy to write about it - and give her the credit for the idea.. so thanks Mara!!

I'm no expert by any means, but I know I've made my mistakes, and as much as I'd like to stop others from making the same mistake - I know all I can do is advise and hope that they get through it safely.

Let's start with a couple analogies. You're standing by a river and it's rushing so fast past, that all you can hear is the roar of the water. Jump in. Go ahead... jump in. What's the worst that can happen? Oh yea, you could drown.. or get beaten by the rocks. You could be knocked unconscious or sliced open by something in the water. Probably a good idea not to jump in. So, we'll take a walk to the nearby highway. Ooh rush hour fun. Cars are speeding by, weaving between lanes, and are occasionally slamming on their brakes. Go oooonn... run across. Dart through those cars and trucks, and semis and get to the other side? What are you waiting for ... DO IT. What? Oh, you don't want to get run over? Or hit by a truck and smashed into the guardrail? I guess I can understand that.

So why is it, then, that we aren't as protective with our emotions and our hearts? I'm on Facebook (a lot -- a whole lot) and I see a ton of people (and these are not just teenagers) that start to go out with someone and BAM a week later they are IN LOVE and this person is their WHOLE WORLD, etc. After one week. 7 days. Suddenly, they can't live, breathe, or eat without this other person. I try to be happy for them, but all I can really think is .. how well can you possibly know someone after 7 days... and please don't give me the soulmate line. You don't even know this person's middle name, where they grew up, or if they have some kind of bizarre personality glitch that you haven't discovered.

Then, after a month or so -- they break up for one of a myriad of reasons. Suddenly hearts are crushed, souls are clouded and eyes are red-rimmed for weeks. It happens more often than not -- falling in "love" that quickly goes bad fast. And it's not just because the couple is young (I've seen this happen to 30 year olds as well) or that both partners aren't 100% into it. It's because they have an unrealistic version of love trapped in their heads. Relationships are hard, they take work, commitment, and communication. You don't have that 7 days into any relationship - so when you think you're in love, and something goes wrong, the world falls apart.

I am not against relationships (even though I can't seem to find a decent one for myself!), I've seen people so deeply in love that it's amazing and gives me hope. If you ever get a chance to see Cook and Belle perform on stage, you'll see exactly what I mean. I am, however, against jumping in to a relationship too quickly. Slow down - take some time to get to know each other. Learn about your pasts, your future goals, what you like and don't like. Form a friendship for the basis of a solid, stable relationship. Then fall in love, it's soooooo much better that way.

Of course, there are other things that we tend to rush into at times, that can hurt just as badly. Job hopping is a big one. Say someone has a great job - good pay, good benefits, pretty decent boss, etc. Suddenly this person decides that a job as a caretaker at the zoo would be MUCH better -- so they quit their job and apply at the zoo. Six months later, they are still scraping goose droppings off park benches and emptying trash bins. Why? Simple; the person didn't stop and think about the fact that he might need a specialized degree to work as an animal caretaker, or that he didn't have the schedule flexibility needed at the zoo. Granted, he may love his new job -- but in this case, he misses his old paycheck, his old benefits, and the fact that he didn't go home smelling like old hamburgers and bird poop.

There are a hundred other examples I could give (rushing to buy a new house without the right down payment or solid credit, deciding to start a business without researching the market, how you're going to make a profit or find a client base, trading in a decent fuel-efficient vehicle for a grand sports car - to find gas prices on the rise, etc.) but I think you get the idea.

So, the next time you're 30,000 feet up in an airplane and you decide that you're going to jump out and have an epic sky-diving experience. Take some time and think about it. And make sure you're parachute isn't a backpack.

Be at peace with yourself, and you'll be at peace with the world

Facts vs Stories - How to Not Be Pissed off (part 1 of a series)

Facts vs. stories is one of my favorite mechanisms to stop myself from getting pissed off too easily. Granted, sometimes it’s unavoidable – or my mood just won’t cooperate; but for the most part I use this technique almost daily. People around me (friends, family, even strangers at times) ask me “How are you NOT pissed off at ”? If I have time, I give them a little synopsis of this technique, if I don’t have time, I usually smile and say “it’s not worth the negative energy”… although sometimes that statement REALLY pisses people off.

Before I start: the “cover my ass” statements. This technique works for about 80% of events that can piss off a person – it doesn’t work for everything. And, as effective as the technique is, it doesn’t always work. Hopefully if you apply it correctly, you’ll find yourself less stressed out about ‘life in general’.

Let’s talk about the word “event” for a second. In this case, I’m talking about the small and medium events that happen over which we end up getting pissed off. Things like someone cutting us off in traffic, a server being down and us not being able to pay a bill, a boss in a really pissy mood. Even things like having your car stolen or your house broken into. This does not count towards the huge life changing events like a horrible health diagnosis, a sudden (or any) death, etc. And when I say things like “every” … it applies to about 80% of the situations – so don’t hold me literally word for word? OK? Cool…let’s get this thing started.

Every event has two main elements – the facts of the event and the corresponding story. The facts, when stated correctly and honestly are indisputable – that’s why they are called FACTS. The story is what you state about the event that is either your opinion (read: what you’ve made up about the event) or your view. In most events, we don’t know the full story behind the event – or even part of the actual story at all. It’s usually our “story” about the event that gets us all riled up and pissed off. Not always, sometimes it’s the event itself – but most of the time, it’s what we say caused the event that pisses us off.

So, let’s get into an example, shall we? You’re driving into work on a rather rainy morning. Traffic is quite a bit slower than usual, but you’ve got your music going, you’re enjoying a little bit of alone time and responding to a text from your sweetie (hey traffic is slow, so it’s ‘safe’ to text, eh?). Suddenly, from out of nowhere, someone is a huge SUV comes down the shoulder of the highway, slices in front of you and slows down to stop from hitting the car that is suddenly in front of them. This, in turn, forces you to slam on your breaks and your bag goes spilling out of your front seat and onto the floor. Nobody hits anyone and all is well. Do you get pissed off and call the driver of the SUV all sorts of names?

This is where facts vs. story comes into play. Facts: SUV driver cut you off on the highway while it was raining, you slammed on your brakes and your bag fell onto the floor. That’s it...those are the ONLY facts of the situation that apply directly to the event. Not the fact that SUV driver is an idiot, or that he doesn’t know how to drive, or that he’s an and should go back to his own country. Those are all part of the “story” that you made up … because honestly you have no idea who SUV driver is or why he cut you off.

There could be a multitude of reasons why he cut you off, and most likely you will never know exactly the reason. Maybe he’s trying to get to the hospital before his child, who was just in a serious accident, goes into surgery. Maybe there was a death in the family and he was on the phone with a loved one trying to console them, didn’t realize his lane merged and was now trying to get back into traffic (and maybe that cut off wasn’t nearly as close as you thought since you were texting at the time?). Maybe he’s a really bad driver with no respect for others? But seriously – you don’t really know what the right story is. So you’ve made up your mind that this guy is a jerk for cutting you off, and all your anger (and the adrenaline associated with the near miss) is directed towards him. The facts are he cut you off, you’re not hurt, and life is continuing as if nothing happened. Choose not to be pissed off at him. (Chose Your Battles is later in this series).

Now, I know what you’re thinking. “I can just as easily come up with stories for this SUV Driver that make him into a horrible person. He hates my little eco-friendly green car, and decided to show me who’s boss, etc.” True, but it that really going to get you to a place where you’re NOT pissed off at him? If you want to be pissed off for no reason and be in a bad mood all day – that’s your choice.. but if you want to NOT be pissy – realize that you don’t know his reasoning, and I’m sure since you don’t know who he is he didn’t have some personal vendetta against you.

I could go into a hundred or so other examples from a boss who is suddenly in a bad mood, to a deranged person on the morning train. The process is the same – tell yourself that you do not know the complete story behind the event and that since there’s really nothing that can be done to change what happened; being pissed off about it doesn’t really help. Keep in mind that this doesn’t just work from a ‘pissed off’ perspective, but from a general stress perspective as well – and we could all use less stress!!

Be at peace with yourself and you’ll be at peace with the world.