A Broken Bowl is Never Completely Fixed

Ok, beloved reader, we’re going to do a little experiment today.  Find a bowl (glass, china, or porcelain) and examine it closely; feel the weight of it in your hands.   Imagine the uses of your bowl – ice cream, soup, cereal, chips, even fruit and vegetables.  Now, launch that bowl across the room and into the wall – hard.  (WAIT.. DON’T’ ACTUALLY DO THAT…. Ugh ..well, we’ll continue either way).  For those of you who didn’t actually throw the bowl into the wall, we’re going to use our imagination.  For the rest of you – good job at committing to the process!   Let’s continue.   What happened to your bowl?   It broke into eighty seven gazillion pieces and is likely all over the floor to be stepped on by whomever walks by. 

So, you spend the next several days, weeks or months gathering as many of the pieces of your bowl you can find.  Just when you think you’ve found all the pieces, you look behind the bookcase and find more.  You know that you’ll never actually find every little shard but you know if you have enough of them you can start trying to put your bowl back together. 

The next several years, when you have the spare energy and time, are spent attempting to glue the pieces back together.  You slip, slice open a wound (usually the same one over and over) and spend time trying to heal.  You lose pieces.  You drop pieces and they break even smaller.  Pieces stop fitting together perfectly.   Some pieces are missing all together.   When you finally finish (or you’re as close to finished as you’re ever going to be), you have something that at least resembles the bowl with which you started.

The ‘new’ bowl is made of the same material, it’s about the same size and weight, but it can never be used in the same way it was before.   You can still use it for things like chips, dry fruit, vegetables and the like.  But you can forget about ice cream, soup, or cereal; with all the cracks and missing pieces anything less solid is going to slide right through the cracks and holes. 

Welcome to the emotional grid of the abused.   When someone is abused (physically, emotionally, or mentally) their emotional structure becomes as broken and cracked as the ill-fated bowl.   It doesn’t seem to matter how many years of work is put into fixing the breaks, sealing the cracks and becoming whole again. There will always be lasting damage.  Always.  Sometimes we (yes, I am included in this group) do a really superb job at hiding our damage, and other times it’s so overwhelming we can barely function.  

I’ll let you in on a little secret, dearest reader, I’m a survivor of abuse.  My second husband was emotionally and mentally (and towards the end, physically) abusive towards me. He mentally and emotionally abused my daughter.   We finally got out, we survived, but we’ll never really be the same. 

The way he treated me, the little actions he used to control and manipulate me, stay with me to this very day.   If he didn’t like something (a type of music, a tv show, a specific food, etc) I didn’t have it in my life.   I refused to provide any ammunition that would trigger him into anger; that anger turned into a verbal or emotional assault…and sometimes violence.   I walked on egg shells and bent over backwards to ensure he was always happy and got what he wanted.  I didn’t want his disapproval blossoming on my body in small blue and green flowers.   Moreover, I didn’t want to be told ONE MORE TIME how stupid, worthless, annoying, helpless or ugly I was.   There were times (sometimes weeks at a time) that I would pray he would just ignore me, pretend I wasn’t there instead of showing any kind of interest in me; because I knew eventually I would do something to trigger him into anger.     I refused to ask for anything I wanted, agreed with absolutely everything he said or suggested, and usually completely avoided eye contact.

You know me, beloved reader, I’m always completely honest with you. So I’ll tell you this.  I’m still (more than 8 years later) prone to these behaviors.  If I know someone doesn’t like something, or they show ANY indication that they aren’t interested – I won’t bring it up a second time.  If I ask someone to do something and they say no; I accept it and move on. I’m scared to death to make a choice or a decision and have someone else unhappy with the results.  Even if it’s something I really want to do.  I’ve learned (technically I was ‘trained’) not to outright ask for something.  I’d put something out as a suggestion; “this sounds good” …but I wouldn’t actually say I WANTED to do it.  Any decision was an automatic NO if I wanted to do it; but if it was his idea then I could do it.   Screwed up? Yes.   Reality?  Absolutely and that line of thinking still impacts me to this day.  It is still a daily struggle.  

There’s a quote / meme going around the Facebook (though I do believe it started on Tumblr) world that states it so perfectly that I was literally stopped in my tracks when I first read it.  It’s more accurate than anything I can state myself:

“Being abused can seriously affect your ability to distinguish between “obviously not pleased” and “obviously displeased” because abusers can go from Neutral to Hostile for absolutely no discernable reason, and eventually you start worrying (or in my case expecting) everyone is going to be like that and you start feeling this urge to make absolutely sure that the people you actually care about are not mad or upset, because to you “there’s no evidence that they are not angry is the same as “there’s evidence that they are angry”.

One more time for the kids in the back:  “THERE IS NO EVIDENCE THAT THEY ARE NOT ANGRY IS THE SAME AS THERE IS EVIDENCE THAT THEY ARE ANGRY”.    Let that sink in for a moment.  In the mind of the abused, if you don’t show that you are HAPPY than you are obviously PISSED OFF.   We know, logically, that the statement is not a reality. But seriously…when have you known emotions and self-protective reaction to be logical? 

So, that’s pretty much where I am right now, trying to balance an emotionally healthy relationship (and the happiest I’ve been in a relationship since my very first “love” all those years ago in Brook Park) and my emotionally unbalanced abusive past.  It’s a terrifying feeling; wondering when you’re going to do that ONE thing that flips the switch.  Even when, intellectually, you know that switch doesn’t exist. 

I’m working on it, I’m trying to come up with healthier ways of thinking and behaving.   When I find them, you know you’ll be the first I tell.

In the meantime, just keep loving me for the broken bowl I am.  <3  

Making sure people get what they expect. And why it’s destroying my happiness.

You know .. I was really struggling trying to write this and trying to figure out if I should even publish.  Then I talked to my amazing, wonderful daughter and she had excellent advice for me.  “though, who <cares> if you're being selfish and whiny.... if things that people are doing make you feel that way, then they deserve to know exactly how upset it's making you.”  So here it is.  Unfiltered and basically unedited.  Mostly because I know if I start editing it, you’ll never get to see what I actually wrote.

I’ve been trying so hard to pretend to be happy, to accept the things in my life that are depleting every ounce of happiness I’ve worked so hard to obtain.   I’m failing at it … especially lately.  Happiness has become an elusive dream that I can only attain for others. 

This weekend and next is going to break me into eight hundred seventy four thousand two hundred and twelve and three fourths pieces.  Yes, I’ve counted.  ;)  But that doesn’t matter, because people in my life who expect certain things out of me will be getting exactly what they expect.  And that’s what matters, right?  Right?

There are a ton of things this weekend that I wanted to do – most I already had planned - and because of obligations and situations that have become completely out of my control; I don’t get to do any of them.  

My annual retreat (that I’ve only missed once in the past 7 years) I can’t go for two reasons.  Mainly financial, I just couldn’t justify the extra cost this year.   And one lack of transportation, it’s hard to walk that far with the amount of things I take to the weekend. 

Seeing Sami perform in her Winterguard troupe... again.  For the third and fourth performances this season.  It’s killing me knowing that it’s a very real possibility that I won’t get to any of them.  As a mom, I want to be at everything she does; but this is significant as it’s her age out year for the group she’s in… and I’m sitting her watching reruns because I can’t be there to support her live. 

Friday night’s concert.  I desperately want to see Keith perform, supporting friends peripherally doesn’t mean much to me.  If I am going to support someone, I want it to be REALLY supporting someone.  He’s opening Friday night and I can’t be there for him. 

I FINALLY signed up for a painting class with a new friend (good thing the deposit is transferable to another class).  I’ve been wanting to do another class forever, and I finally found one.  So I’ll just have to wait until I can find something else, and hope I have a way to get there.

Sunday’s Superbowl party … even though I’m still cooking for it, I won’t be actually ATTENDING the party (sorry guys, enjoy the chili without me!)  Technically, from a timing perspective I could probably still make kickoff and I know they wouldn’t mind (even though I said I’d help with prep and decoration) but I have to ration my energy and it will be significantly depleted by then. 

Let’s not even discuss next weekend, when the ONE movie I want to see with my boyfriend opens, Valentines day lands and I’ll be 200 miles away sitting in a house with no way to go anywhere. 

So forgive me if I seem a little distant or I get short with you.  I have no amazing words of wisdom or helpful tips to improve your life with today.  Honestly, I have nothing left in me to pretend with and I’m very, very tired. 

But watch, because when it comes down to it, I'll be smiling, pretending and you'll never notice difference.  It's what I've been doing for years and no one has noticed yet. 

An Inspirational Trip to Kroger

Hello, Beloved Reader …

Yesterday, I had two incredibly eye-opening experiences, both in the local Kroger where I went to pick up a script.  You see, I was swimming in mucus and my doctor was kind enough to call in a script for me, saving me a trip to the office.   

As I was standing in the pharmacy line, the young lady in front of me was picking up a script for her young son.  The Pharmacy Tech rung up the prescription and immediately voided it out, assuming there was an error.  She called the pharmacist over to review the order and said very quietly (I think she was hoping the customer wouldn’t hear her) 

            “There’s an issue with the bar code, it’s ringing up $475”.  

             The customer calmly responded with “Yes, I know.  It’s the cheapest one I can get, and we 

             don’t have a choice.  If he doesn’t have it, he’ll die.”   

She paid almost $500 for her son’s prescription and as she was leaving, I felt the need to talk to her.  

I explained to her that I didn’t want to intrude, but simply provide a suggestion.  I didn’t ask what the script was, nor did I ask her about her son’s illness; honestly, it’s none of my business.  I simply suggested that she contact the manufacturer of the prescription and explain to them that her insurance doesn’t appropriately cover the cost, and it’s creating a financial burden for her and her family.  She welled up, eyes shining with tears she was trying desperately to hold back.  

            “I hadn’t even considered that, is that possible?”

“Yes, I’ve told more than one person to try it; the worst that can happen is they say they can’t assist. Most times they can at least help you with some discount coupons, especially for life saving medications.”

“I’m going to call them as soon as I get home, we’re living on beans and rice right now, simply because once the bills are paid, most of the extra money goes to the prescription. It breaks my heart when he asks for something as simple as potato chips and I have to tell him no”

She gave me a hug and said “Even if nothing comes from it, I thank you.  Thank you for caring enough about a complete stranger to share this information.”  

We finished our quick conversation, and went our separate ways.  I couldn’t help but think about this wonderful woman and her sick little boy.  How she’s scraping enough money together each month to make sure he lives, and how she can’t even give him a simple treat.  It broke my heart and made me thankful for a daughter who’s biggest concern is strep throat, and even more thankful for LLS for providing me with the care I need to survive.  I know not everyone is that lucky. 

As I was walking away from the pharmacy, an elderly gentleman stopped me.

               “Excuse me miss.  Who do you know from Vietnam?”

I was a little confused, as I was still thinking of the young mother, and he pointed to the back of my leg. As odd as it sounds, sometimes I forget that others actually LOOK at my tattoos.   For those of you who may not know, I have a Navy Seabee and the Vietnam ribbon the back of my calf.   I took a deep breath, smiled and responded “My Dad”.  It being the anniversary of his death, I really wasn’t up for a big discussion with a stranger about him. 

The gentleman reached forward and took my face in his hands.  He looked me straight in the eye and said “I don’t know if anyone has ever told you this, but your Dad is a hero.  Please thank him for his service for me.”  And he hugged me. 

I smiled and hugged him back and thanked him for his lovely words.  I then high tailed it to the restroom so he wouldn’t see me crying. I didn’t want him to think he’d upset me.  

That a total stranger would say such wonderful things about my dad was amazing.  It's a nice change of pace from the usual "if you weren't in Vietnam, you shouldn't have the tattoo" reaction I usually get.  

I pulled myself together and continued my small amount of shopping.  As I was walking towards the register, I saw the young mother buying the few things she was able to get with the funds left after her son’s medication.  I grabbed a few cans of Pringles and headed to the check-out; hoping I could catch her before she left the parking lot. 

I found her at her car, and handed her the bag containing the Pringles. 

              “What is this?”

               

              “My gift to you for your son”

              

               “But … but why?”

   “Because I can.  And because I know what you all are going through.  You’re not alone in    

    your battle.  Go give your son his chips and enjoy your afternoon.”  

   “I don’t know what to say.”

   “You don’t have to say anything, just promise me to hug him extra today.”

   

   “He won’t stop hugging me if I give him these!” 

Another  quick hug, and I was into my car driving home.  So, one small outing to a store, and my whole day was put into a perspective I would have never imagined.

Remember, when you’re trapped in your own world, worried about everything, look around.  Reach out to a stranger and change their day for the better.   It’s up to us to make this a world worth living in.  

What Would Laz Do?

What  Would Laz Do?


My wonderful readers: Please keep in mind that I’m writing this blog in remembrance of my wonderful friend Geremy “Lazarus de Legio - LAZ ” Havanec; who was taken from this life way too early and most unexpectedly.  I realize not everyone knew him (as hard as that is to believe); but we can all learn from him. 

This past week has been one of the most difficult I’ve ever been through; and I know I’m not alone.  We had to accept the fact that a beloved friend had died. We had to see him in a coffin; looking nothing like the full of life, joyful, amazing person he was.  I had to see my daughter and “son” so heartbroken they could barely breathe, let alone voice their pain.  We have witnessed countless tears, swollen eyes and hugs of support.  We sat through services, stood through eulogies, and said our final goodbyes. 

The amount of people who loved Geremy is countless, and he touched each and every one of our lives in a positive manner.  He was always there for us, to lend advice (even if it wasn’t what we wanted to hear), provide a hug, trouble shoot technical issues and open his home to a bunch of crazy haunters who wanted nothing more than to  just  be around each other (and himself, of course). 

So, now that all the services are over we find ourselves in a strange place: what now?  How do we move on without our friend?  The answers are wrapped up in these four letters:  WWLD?   What would Laz do?   He was never without a meaningful word or logical explanation for anything.  He would look at the situation, find the good in it and explain to us how we can use that to our benefit. 

Love Everyone

If anyone were to say “Laz didn’t like me”... I’d straight up tell them they were a liar.  Laz loved everyone… regardless of who they were, what they did, or any mistakes they may have made.  He hugged my mom the first time he met her, and asked about her constantly after the passing of my dad.  He treated everyone he met as a trusted and loved friend, and he meant it. 

WWLD:  Live by loving everyone.  Stop judging one another and simply love them.  We should be greeting everyone with a warm smile and helpful attitude.  None of us were afraid to ask Laz for help; so to honor him we should be more focused on trying to help others instead of kicking them while they are down. You know he wouldn’t want it any other way.  

Bury the Hatchet

And gracious…don’t leave the handle sticking out!  I’m pretty sure at one point or another we’ve all irritated Laz.  One of the most amazing things about him is that he never held that against any of us.  He still loved us, and he still helped us. No matter how many times we pissed him off .   Laz didn’t hold a grudge; he didn’t bring up past indiscretions or mistakes.  He moved forward and fostered a positive relationship with everyone in his life.

WWLD: Forgive and move on.  Why do we insist on hating each other?  Why do have to remember “she did this to me”  “he said this to me”?   Why don’t we just forgive and continue to be civil towards one another?   Now, don’t get me wrong here, I’m NOT advising you to say in a caustic or toxic friendship or relationship.  Just the opposite, actually.  I know for a fact that Laz has told many of us – myself included - (probably more than once) that a particular friendship or relationship wasn’t healthy and that stepping away is the best thing for everyone involved.  He’d also remind us that just because we can’t be as close to someone as we were doesn’t mean we have to be mean toward them, spread rumors, or be spiteful.  We forgive, we continue to love, and we move on.   

Get to the Doctor and get a yearly physical

The one conversation I had over and over this past week was “Laz wasn’t even sick.  He was a picture of health”.  Unfortunately, we know now, that wasn’t true.  Laz was having symptoms of his illness for a long while, but ignored them and didn’t go to the doctor to be checked out.   And we all found out too late.

WWLD:  GO GET A PHYSICAL!!  Get one every year. Do the preventative care (mammograms, colonoscopies, prostate exams, etc.) and maintenance needed to stay healthy and alive. I don’t care if it’s time consuming, or uncomfortable, or you don’t want to.  Do it anyway.  Life is already too short; please don’t make it shorter by avoiding the doctor and refusing to do what it takes to make sure you’re here. 

Explore every side

We’ve all heard the phrase “there’s more than one side to a story”. One of Laz’s true strengths was his willingness to explore every avenue of a situation; whether it was a political issue, an argument between friends, or even the reasons why the latest Sci Fi movie failed so spectacularly.   Laz didn’t jump to conclusions, listen to rumor, or engage in a debate without the knowledge he needed (to win, of course!).

WWLD:  Get all the facts.  Stop listening to, and perpetuating, rumors.  Stop talking about each other behind backs and start talking TO each other.  Resolve your issues, hug, and love.   When you engage in a situation with someone, approach it with logic, knowledge and compassion.   And above all else, remember this.  Violence is never the answer.   

There are never the right words to say goodbye to someone you love… so :

“BYE EVERYONE” … Rest well, Laz, we will always love you. 

Escaping the Comfort Zone

The Comfort Zone.   It’s technically defined as: a place or situation where one feels safe or at ease; and we all have one.  I hadn’t realized until very recently how much I lived in my little comfort zone.  It’s a place I created due to some serious pre-conditioning by my ex-husband (and yes, I’ll share this information with you in a bit).   But alas, it is incredibly important to realize that you can’t evolve, improve, and grow as a person until you LEAVE the comfort zone.  And kittens, that scares the living-dead daylights out of me. 

 There are quite a few aspects of my life that I live in my comfort zone; I suppose you could call them habits.  They are actions (or in most cases, lack of actions) that I take to protect myself from a response that likely won’t occur.   You see, dearest reader, I was taught (and I use that term in a very abstract manner) that certain actions would cause my now ex-husband to lose his cool and in turn, take his frustrations out on me.  Showing ANY kind of weakness or emotion was one of those things.  As was arguing (technically it wasn’t arguing, it was me making a suggestion that wasn’t what he was thinking) over where to go for dinner. Or wanting to watch the game.  Or not watch the game.  The list unfortunately goes on and on and on.   The main issue I’m having now is realizing and understanding that the things I like and want are NOT bad, and the people in my life will NOT respond in the same fashion if I voice my opinion, ask for something, or simply not agree with everything they say. 

I’ve honed these little habits over the years, to the point that if I already know someone isn’t interested in something (like sports, my particular choice of music, a specific genre of movie, etc.) I won’t even suggest what I want to do as an option.  In my head, I think to myself “you know they don’t like it… what makes you think it’s acceptable to ask for it?”   I know what you’re thinking: “it’s a give and take situation, in a healthy relationship you’ll each do things the other wants to do.”   And, logically, I realize that truth; but there’s this trigger in my brain that goes off.  And that trigger tells me that if I ask for what I want, I will pay for it in some fashion.  

I have two major comfort zones that I’m currently trying to escape.  The first, we talked about above - the refusal to ask for something I want (no matter how badly I want it); especially when I know that someone may not particularly want to participate.  

The second ties rather nicely into the first issue.  It’s “reminding” someone of something I want to do.   In my broken little mind (shush, I like the term) if I mention it more than once, it becomes “nagging” and will end up badly. Again, this is directly related my previous relationship and how he would react when I said something more than once (regardless the timing.  It could actually be months later).  ‘Yes, I remember, now shut up about it already” is one of the kinder ways he’s responded.  So, I mention something once, and let it go.  This is particularly difficult in my current situation because I don’t have my own means of transportation.  If I need or want to do something, go somewhere, etc., I either have to rely on someone else to take me (have I mentioned that I have the world’s most amazing cousin???) or borrow a car (two shout-outs to Vicki . .I’d be nowhere – literally – without you).   I absolutely don’t expect other people to remember all the things I want to do, places I want to go, things I want to buy, etc.   On the flip side, I can’t seem to bring myself to mention it again out of fear of what might happen. 

So that’s where I am right now; facing a door to the OTHER SIDE of the comfort zone.  Looking for the key to unlock it, and the courage to walk through.  

There’s a lot of Fear here

We call it a comfort zone for a reason…we feel safe here.  We know what’s going on, what to expect, and how things will happen.  When we step through that door into the unknown… it’s downright frightening.   Fear of the unknown is what holds us back the most, regardless of what we’re chasing.  

The key is when you trust and care for the people in your life, then you know that regardless of what you ask for, how often you say something, or even if you disagree with something they say nothing terrible is going to happen. Sure we’ll have disagreements or even arguments with the people we love.   That’s shouldn’t stop us from speaking up; even if we are afraid.  We can find our safe zones in a lot of different places, and usually it’s with the right people. 

Small Steps

There is no way stepping out of your comfort zone is going to happen overnight. It’s a long, sometimes painful, process of very small steps.  We can’t just jump into the deep end of the pool, without knowing how to swim, and expect to survive.   As enticing as that sounds (and as much as I expect that out of myself) it’s simply not realistic. 

So, we have to take small, stable steps.  Create a series of small goals that will ultimately result in leaving the Comfort Zone behind and stepping into a new future of adventure and peace.  I know it sounds cheesy and unattainable, but it’s so very true. Reaching small goals (and being able to say “Yes, I accomplished that!”) is what helps us move forward.  These accomplishments give us the drive and courage to keep going.   Personally, I’m a list person (those of you who know me know EXACTLY what I’m talking about.  There’s a written list for everything).   When I do something, I cross it off the list; that way I can visually see my progress and those accomplishments are what keep me going. 

A quick word about goals (whether they are small or large and regardless of what they are for).  Make them SMART.  Specific.  Measureable.  Attainable.  Realistic.  Time-driven.   There’s a WHOLE blog that needs to go around that concept... but for now, just keep those things in mind.  Otherwise your goals are just random dreams with no plan. 

So take some time out (especially from the things you are doing to avoid getting out of your comfort zone) and set your small goals.   You can even set your large goal, and work backwards into the smaller ones.  Whatever works for you.  Just keep moving forward and reach out for support when you need it. 

Communication

Oh…no.  Not Communication.   This is likely the most daunting of tasks for most of us; even under the best of circumstances.  Talking to others about what’s going on in our heads and with our emotions can be scary; especially when we don’t know how they are going to respond.   However difficult, communication is essential to ensuring you get the love and support you need to step out, and stay out, of your comfort zone. 

Take the time to talk to a trusted friend, relative, or loved one; and be prepared.  It’s going to be a deep conversation.  In concept (I say this, because it’s not as easy as I make it sound…even for me) you need to explain WHERE your comfort zone is, why you’re there, and why it’s important for you to move out and forward.  You can likely expect some really strong emotions during this conversation and potentially some tears.  This is not a bad thing.  Just let it happen and talk it out.  The loved ones in your life will want to understand and help you; but you have to let them.   

Trust

Trust is a tough word, because we’ve all been in a place where our trust was misplaced and it hurt.  Things were held against us, someone shared our information with someone else, we were made fun or – or worse – were told what we are feeling/doing/experiencing is wrong.  It sucks and it causes damage and makes it harder and harder to trust someone.  Even ourselves. Trust is essential to growing as a person; so strap in, it’s going to be a bumpy ride.  

Trust your loved ones not to hold things against you.  Trust YOURSELF.  Trust that talking about things, working through them and being uncomfortable at times will work.  When all else fails, take a step back and...talk about it. 

Communication

Nope, this is not a typo; I put communication on here twice.  There are two different sets of communication that should be happening for you.   The first is that initial conversation with your friends/loved ones regarding finding your way out of the comfort zone. 

The next level is even MORE communication.   This particular self-improvement process is different than many of the others ones we’ve discussed because in a lot of cases, it effects other people.  You already know my story, so you can see how it would impact the people in my life.  As I continue to work through my current issues, I’ve been told (several times) “you just need to talk to me about it.”   I’m trying (it’s HARD, dang it) and it’s helping.  Communication is they key (heck, it’s the key to a lot of things) to getting you outside of your comfort zone; because with the right people, that communication is going to take you further than anything else.  When you have the right people in your life and they understand what you’re going through, they help.  They don’t make it worse, they don’t hold it against you, and they certainly don’t make fun of you.   In fact, they may actually give you some good advice, they will let you cry (or they will cry with you) and they will make you smile. 

Eventually, dear reader, you will find yourself walking out of the comfort zone.  You’ll find yourself growing, learning, and being happier with life.   So, take a deep breath, approach that door, and get started on the lock.  Trust me, it’ll be worth the work.

 And above all, be kind to yourself and others. 

Times Change, and So Should We

So, beloved reader, we meet again.   I know what you’re saying (I can hear it all the way over here) it’s about time!  Hey, a girl gets busy once in a while.   Alright, so technically my absence hasn’t been ALL about my being busy.  The fact of the matter is, I ebb and flow when it comes to blogging.  Sometimes I have a LOT to say; other times not so much.   At least I don’t have anything helpful to say.   Either way, here I am with something a bit more personal than usual to discuss.

So, a bit of a catch up from the last blog entry (in November).  You remember the one about Opportunity Whispering?  Well, that opportunity turned my life upside down in a really good way.  That opportunity; which I nearly missed (thank goodness I started feeling better and pushed my way through the anti-social issues) turned into a new relationship I wasn’t expecting, and with which I couldn’t be more pleased.  Granted, we’re still in the beginning phases, but I find myself smiling at random times and generally a bit more at ease with life.  This is a good thing. 

In all honesty, this is the first stable, healthy relationship I’ve been in since I left my now ex-husband; so it’s been YEARS.  It’s a bit more complicated since we are Very Far Away from each other, but that’s just reality sometimes.  When Opportunity shows up with a gift, you don’t ask it to change just because it doesn’t fit your ideal.  You accept it, make the most of it, and wait for it to take you to new and wonderful places.  

It was during this opportunity that I realized a few significant things about myself.  So now I’m trying to find my way through these issues and come out the other side a more adjusted person.   Now, my friend is your chance to run; it gets a bit more personal from here. 

You Never Know Your Damage

As you know, I do a lot of self-reflection, actualization and improvement.  I’m a true believer that you’ll never live to your potential if you don’t continuously strive to improve yourself.  Strange, how I thought it would be as easy as that.  Sit in my self-reflection, find my issues and work on them.  Apparently; that’s not the way it works!  Who knew?!  

Sometimes, you don’t realize the extent of your damage until you find yourself in a particular situation.  The realizations (at least for me) come in the form of a flash-back and expecting the existing situation to go the same way.  Then getting very, VERY angry at myself for expecting such terrible behavior out of someone I know wouldn’t do such a thing.  I realized that I’ve spent a lot of time working on my issues resulting from my sexual assault, but not nearly enough time working on the damage my abusive marriage caused.   It’s a terrible cycle that I have recognized and now, it’s time to work on it. 

Punishment and Blame

Self-punishment is bad kids.  Don’t do it, trust me I’m an expert.   In all seriousness, I have a bad habit of blaming myself for my perceived short-comings and I realize that’s directly due to my ex-husband’s influence.  When I don’t live up to my own expectations, or I’m not able to do something I think I should be able to do, I get angry.  Not with the situation, not with others; with myself.  I berate myself, think terrible things, and determine I have failed.  Trust me, you don’t want to hear the things that go through my head at the time.
  

I’ve learned that the blame lies in my past, and not with the people currently in my life.  So I don’t take my issues out on the people in my life, though they are exposed to my issues from time to time.  Sharing and pushing through these experiences is still new to me, and it’s more difficult than I was expecting. 

Moving Forward   

So, here’s where I am.  In this place where I’m dealing with some things that I never knew I didn’t have a handle on (wow…that sentence sucks – don’t judge me too harshly).  It’s certainly a challenge for me, and one I’m approaching as cautiously as possible. 

As many of you may know, I don’t cry easily (although there are some that will disagree with that statement).  I’m even more particular regarding in front of whom I cry or to whom I show any type of vulnerability.  It’s just part of who I became when I was ‘taught’ (maybe "conditioned" is the right word?) that vulnerability and emotion were unacceptable traits in a partner.  However, I realized something very interesting (with the help of a friend earlier in the weekend).  When I’m feeling particularly vulnerable, compassion sends me right over the edge.  Odd, I know…but apparently I’m not used to someone being kind to me when I’m upset. 

You know, one of my previous blog entries was about always wanting someone to let me have these emotions (refer to “Fantasies” .. especially paragraph 4.  5 March 2013).  Apparently what I was asking for in that particular blog 2 years ago is cathartic and actually helps you heal.  Hmm.. maybe it’ll happen. 

Personal Challenge

I have set a couple of personal challenges for myself, and I urge you to try them as well.  We all have a past; and each of us has something in that past that has had a negative impact on us.   I am challenging myself to face this past, learn from it, and find ways to lessen its effect on me.  I’m learning that being vulnerable with the right person is a good thing.  I’m learning that it’s OK not to be perfect, the constant rock, or to actually HAVE and show emotions.  I’m a work in progress, but that’s how I know I’m doing things correctly. 

I challenge you to do the same thing.  As difficult and painful as it may be to face, inspect your past, learn from it, and find your own way to eliminate it’s negative impact on your life.  Move forward, love others, be NICE, and accept compassion from others.

Xoxo
Trinity

Whispering Opportunity

Knock.  Knock Knock.  KNOCK KNOC KNOCK!      We all know the great saying “opportunity knocking”; for the longest time I was convinced I was either at the grocery store or in the shower when that all too elusive sound arrived.    This past week, I learned a very interesting lesson. Sometimes opportunity doesn’t knock – it whispers.  And if you’re not careful and not true to yourself, you might miss it. 

This last weekend was the closing weekend at the Haunted House at which I volunteer (www.bloodview.net – if you didn’t go this year, I expect to see you there next season); it was also our annual cast party, at which you never really know what you’re going to find.  To say it was interesting would be an understatement.  Even more interesting are the things I learned (both about myself and others).  Sorry, kittens... I won’t be getting into specifics about all the debauchery I found myself in, but I will share with you what I learned about our good friend, Opportunity.   

In the spirit of full honesty, I nearly didn’t attend the cast party.  I hadn’t been feeling all that well throughout that day, and I wasn’t really “up” for trying to play nice with everyone (we all know I have a problem with playing nice).   It’s not that I don’t like the people I haunt with – they are a second family to me, some of my best friends, and a group of people that know things about me that would make my “normal” friends cringe.  Yet, they still love and accept me for whom and what I am (even if I am a freak – PS this is not a bad thing).  It’s simply the social scene takes a lot of effort on my part.  As people friendly as I may seem, I’m not always an overly social being; especially around people I don’t know well.  Couple that with the way I had been feeling over the past several months, and I pictured myself holed up in one of the multitude of hiding spaces in the house, listening to my music and hiding from everyone.    

I decided, however, to give it a go; mostly because I had been reminded by someone that if you don’t take a chance once in a while, nothing will ever change.  And we all know I needed a change.  

My biggest lesson of the weekend?  If you continue to wait for Opportunity to knock you’ll find yourself constantly in the house baking cookies and never out experiencing life.   That’s because Opportunity doesn’t always knock, sometimes it whispers... and expects you to be still and listen carefully.  Sometimes Opportunity expects you to just BE YOURSELF, do what you usually do and allow that to draw others to you.  Sometimes Opportunity demands you to be bold and see what happens.   Opportunity did all of those things for me, and has left me with my head spinning a little (no, not physically) and looking forward to my next social outing. 

So, enough about me; I’ve been way too selfish lately with the whole ‘whoa is me’ thing.  Let’s talk about YOU and how these little lessons can benefit you.   

Lesson 1:  Listen Carefully

Opportunity doesn’t usually just scream your name, bang on your door and get your attention.  The problem is, many times that’s exactly what we are expecting.   We live our lives, stuck in our ruts and wondering when things are going to change.  All the while, Opportunity is whispering in our ear to “check out that new restaurant”  “accept the invite” or “just go dancing”.   That small, nearly inaudible voice that we ignore because we don’t like EVERYONE that will be at the party, or we don’t like eating alone, or a million other reasons, refuses to scream.  That little voice, when listened to, will provide us the chances we’ve been searching for all along.

So take a breath, listen to what it’s saying and seriously consider the possibilities.  When you do, new and interesting people appear in your life.  Things happen. Life blossoms and provides you something to finally smile about.  Trust me on this, I’m nearly an expert.    

 

Lesson 2:  Find and BE Yourself

Easier said than done, I know.  The hardest part of the lesson is realizing that WHO are you is acceptable and to accept it as a truth.  There are many, many different people in this world, and we are all valuable, loveable, acceptable beings.  Just because we don’t fit comfortably into a social standard, something “normal” or other such label we deem acceptable doesn’t mean that we aren’t a wonderful person with incredible things to offer in the right situation.  Self reflection, self admiration and self acceptance are the keys – very difficult keys, but keys nonetheless. 

Now that you know WHO you are, BE that person.   Be true to yourself, covering up what you are simply because it makes another person uncomfortable is only going to make you miserable.   The hard part is finding the right person or people that accept you and allow you to be that person.  When you find them, don’t let them go; keep them in your life and embrace the blessing.  Trust me, it IS a blessing.   Yes, there will always be times where you  have to morph yourself a bit to fit into a social situation or group, but don’t let that change who you are; be true to yourself and find a way to let yourself be YOU. 

When you know who you are, and you truly are THAT person, the Opportunities will be less difficult to  hear.  Opportunity isn’t going to knock if it knows the address is incorrect.   

 

Lesson 3:  Be Bold

Try new things, go places, talk to new people, and make new friends.  Play a game with a group of people you don’t know well.  Learn about others.  Learn about yourself and put your new interests into action. 

The only way to attract the right people in your life is to be bold about who you are.  When you do that, people that are interested in the same things that share similar beliefs, or those who were simply not sure if you’d ‘click’, suddenly start talking to you.   It’s a wonderful thing, and will certainly bring about new Opportunities for you.

 

Lesson 4:  Create Your Own Opportunity

When all else fails, or you can’t seem to put any of the above lessons into play, create your own Opportunity. After all, we are the masters of our own happiness; so it’s time for you to take control of that happiness.    Will it always go exactly as you planned?  Nope.   Will you potentially find yourself disappointed or hurt, yes.  But I promise you this, dear reader, it will be substantially less than if you don’t follow what makes you happy. 

 

So, I think that’s it for now; that’s all I have for you.   Remember, Opportunity doesn’t grab you by the collar and force you to pay attention, it’s subtle, quiet, and always right there for you to grab.